Hello Kez
As a Mum of a 14 year old and a 12 year old I know how you feel- it's hard when things start to change. It's difficult to imagine that your daughter is growing up and wants a bit more privacy and independence - without knowing more of the details - what's changed recently? I find teenagers like to talk when they like to talk ... not usually when you want to talk or when it's a "good" time but if you keep the lines of communiaction always open, don't probe too deeply but always appear gently interested in what's happening in their lives without judging or giving too much advice things start to improve.
Most parents find themselves lecturing,ordering and jumping to conclusions or even threatening their teenagers during this "Kevin and Perry" stage but this only blocks the opportunity for communication and effective communication is the oil that lubricates a good family and builds up the real relationship you want with your child. Here are a couple of tips that other parents have found helpful
* Remain silent most of the time and just really listen without saying too much back - then think before you reply and check on your tone of voice and words you use
* Use non verbal communication and say things like "Uh -huh" and "Mmmh" occasionally and look directly into your child's eyes to show that you are really listening. Kids feel understood when they feel just heard and really prefer it if you don't offer them solutions all the time.
* Mirror back - this is a really effective tool for reflecting back the gist of what your daughter has said and kids feel really understood and appreciative of your effort if you do this and one final one that seems odd but is really effective
* Resist the need to give advice! Kids feel patronised if you treat them like they were still 4 years old so although this is tough to start with ask more open ended questions to get them thinking in the right direction and finding their own solutions.
Many teenagers don't like "face to face" chats so get flexible and creative when you nonchalantly start chatting perhaps when you are unloading the dishwasher, sitting on the end of their bed or peeling potatoes!
I hope this helps
Take care
Sue
