[#1]

I was wondering if you could give me some thoughts on this issue

I CL the Feb 05 Mums Club, and we are currently debating the sorry/ apology issue

I am of the opinion that my DS (almost 2.5) should apologise for deliberately bad behavior such as hitting another child, throwing a toy at my head, breaking something in a fit of temper etc.

I tend to either request an immediate apology- which we get 90% of the time, or for the most serious things or if he is in raging tantrum mode, have a time out for 2 mins then request an apology to the injured party or me, followed by a hug and back to playing. We also accept a hug as an apology on its own.

The point that has been raised by some of our members is that there is no point in asking for an apology as they dont understand empathy so they cant give a true apology.

I am of the mind set, that he doesnt fully understand please and thank you yet either (he frequently gets them the wrong way round, which is VERY cute and endearing) but I still expect him to use them.

He may not understand the true meaning of the word, but it is a good habit to get into, and the other child (or me LOL) deserves an apology and to know that the child's bad behaviour hasnt gone unpunished or unacknowledged

What are your thoughts on this?

Jules xx

[#2]

I was wondering if you could give me some thoughts on this issue

I CL the Feb 05 Mums Club, and we are currently debating the sorry/ apology issue

I am of the opinion that my DS (almost 2.5) should apologise for deliberately bad behavior such as hitting another child, throwing a toy at my head, breaking something in a fit of temper etc.

I tend to either request an immediate apology- which we get 90% of the time, or for the most serious things or if he is in raging tantrum mode, have a time out for 2 mins then request an apology to the injured party or me, followed by a hug and back to playing. We also accept a hug as an apology on its own.

The point that has been raised by some of our members is that there is no point in asking for an apology as they dont understand empathy so they cant give a true apology.

I am of the mind set, that he doesnt fully understand please and thank you yet either (he frequently gets them the wrong way round, which is VERY cute and endearing) but I still expect him to use them.

He may not understand the true meaning of the word, but it is a good habit to get into, and the other child (or me LOL) deserves an apology and to know that the child's bad behaviour hasnt gone unpunished or unacknowledged

What are your thoughts on this?

Jules xx

[#3]

Hello Jules
Teaching children to be responsible for their actions starts whenever you want to start and is a good habit to develop in children as they learn the consequences of their actions but as you know children are all different and mature and develop at different rates. Apologising and saying sorry sounds an important value to you and I agree but only you really know if he understands that concept yet - and over time he will.

Just a thought but does he think just saying sorry or giving a hug makes his behaviour OK?

Hope this helps

Take care

Sue

[#4]

Hi Sue

Thanks for your response.

No I think he knows what he has done is wrong, and that the apology and/or hug are what is required to rectify the situation, but doesnt make it acceptable.

He has excellent verbal skills (albeit the words get mixed sometimes -but that happens to us all), and shows remarkable understanding of instructions and requests. He can already follow a ' go and get your socls red shoes from by your bed and bring them to me please, then we can put them on and you can go out and play' type request when he is asking to go in the back garden barefoot for example.

I realise I made him sound like a total horror in my first post, he isnt realy honestly. He is just a normal 2.5 year old who gets frustrated and is possesive of his 'stuff'

I also make an effort to apologise if *I* am out of line- if I lose my temper or knock him over by not spotting him behind me, and we often chat of an evening before bed and he says 'mummy shouted cos I was little bit naughty' at which point I say 'yes I did, and I am sorry I shouted, are you sorry you were naughty too?' and he will respond 'yes mummy' and we will have another hug, or we will talk about why he got angry and that he is better to come and tell me if something is upsetting him rather than hit someone.

He is a good kid all in

Oh and yes, manners are very important to me, I think its that and how you treat people that show you have class, not where you were born or what you parents do

Thanks again

Jules xx

[#5]

I think you are right. My older children (4.5 and 3) sometimes say sorry without prompting now - only if it was an accident though - not if they did someting on purpose like smacking. We obviously point out bad behaviour like that and request and get an apology. I do see their point though - if they did it on purpose then they are not sorry (except for being caught) so why say it. Like your LO they often show genuine remorse later and that's fine too as it means they've thought about what they did and are able to empathise eventually. Having said that if somebody has "wronged" them in some way they are not always encouraged to tell as I also think it is important to learn to negotiate and smacking etc is a negotiation tool in young children also he does't hurt to learn that if you hit someone they will probably hit you back, therefore if you don't want to be hit don't hit first

sara

[#6]

My pleasure - take care - enjoy the journey they really do grow up soooooo quickly !