[#1]

Hi

My son turned 2 in June, most of the time he is absolutely delightful, he's got excellent language skills and a great sense of fun. I know all toddlers have temper tantrums but I've not seen many like him! Nappy changes and teeth cleaning are a particular nightmare, he will kick out at me or my husband (I had a Caesarean 6 months ago and do NOT appreciate being kicked in the tummy!), and particularly when teeth cleaning he'll scream and scream. He also has a habit of slapping us in the face, but that happens completely out of the blue - he can be in a good mood and chatting away and all of a sudden he'll slap. He then laughs because he thinks it's all a big joke. In the last couple of weeks he's also taken to lashing out at his baby sister.

If he does something like this we warn him, 999% of the time he'll ignore the warning, and then we'll put him out of the room. He won't stay out of the room, wanders back in, and if we put him back out he howls blue murder. I always get down to him and explain to him why I put him out but he either laughs or ignores me, he also usually won't say sorry for what he's done. I know he's intelligent enough to understand that he must not do these things but he just doesn't listen. I'm at the end of my tether, the last few nights by the time he's in bed I'm in tears because it's so bad. I also hate for our daughter to hear him howling so often (although sometimes when he sets off in a mood she just grins at him!).

Please help!!

Many thanks
Sarah

[#2]

Hi

My son turned 2 in June, most of the time he is absolutely delightful, he's got excellent language skills and a great sense of fun. I know all toddlers have temper tantrums but I've not seen many like him! Nappy changes and teeth cleaning are a particular nightmare, he will kick out at me or my husband (I had a Caesarean 6 months ago and do NOT appreciate being kicked in the tummy!), and particularly when teeth cleaning he'll scream and scream. He also has a habit of slapping us in the face, but that happens completely out of the blue - he can be in a good mood and chatting away and all of a sudden he'll slap. He then laughs because he thinks it's all a big joke. In the last couple of weeks he's also taken to lashing out at his baby sister.

If he does something like this we warn him, 999% of the time he'll ignore the warning, and then we'll put him out of the room. He won't stay out of the room, wanders back in, and if we put him back out he howls blue murder. I always get down to him and explain to him why I put him out but he either laughs or ignores me, he also usually won't say sorry for what he's done. I know he's intelligent enough to understand that he must not do these things but he just doesn't listen. I'm at the end of my tether, the last few nights by the time he's in bed I'm in tears because it's so bad. I also hate for our daughter to hear him howling so often (although sometimes when he sets off in a mood she just grins at him!).

Please help!!

Many thanks
Sarah

[#3]

Hello Sarah
I'd like you to do something for me - get a piece of paper and write on it your son's name and then put it on the floor and step onto it and see the world from your son's perspective. See what he sees, hear what he hears and feel how he feels and discover why he's behaving in this way. Is he the one with all the control in the siatuation? Is he just testing you? Is he looking for boundaries and seeing how far he can go? What's he getting from his behaviour... your full attention? Just relax and see the situation from his eyes and ears.

The next thing I want you to do is get another piece of paper and write down exactly what is and isn't acceptable behaviour to you - so you get really clear about your values and expectations. Children learn self discipline and self control at first through you implimenting and teaching them the basic rules of life so cleaning their teeth and having their nappy changed are two basic rules that he must get used to but I wondered whether you have become a bit tense at these times now and your son has picked up on these signs and is making the most of them.

Relax somewhere quiet and picture in your imagination the situation with changing his nappy going well and easily and painlessly. Really see the picture clearly and brightly and hear the sounds when it's all going well and you're chatting naturally and having a bit of fun while changing his nappy. Make those relaxed feelings stronger and really enjoy the feelings of being in control of the situation - being firm but kind - meaning business but smiling as you know you are teaching him about being hygienic and caring for his body because you love him and have his best interests at heart. Then hear yourself praising him for being such a good boy and see him smiling and hopping off happy and clean and see yourself playing with him a for a little while with his favourite toy as a treat for being so "grown up"!

Do the same for brushing his teeth - really picture the scene going well and easily as you are firm, fair, calm and relaxed but clear about what's really going to happen and are not knocked off course by slapping or crying or tantrums as you are focused, centred and grounded knowing you are doing the right thing for him in the long run and then imagine him at 5 years old happily brushing his teeth himself and chuckling about the time he was so strong willed when he was little !! Imagine yourself looking back on this time and let out a deep breath as you learnt a great deal and so did he!

Regarding the slapping - that is unacceptable so say "no" very clearly - and really mean it. Children are either motivated "towards" something or "away from" something. So work out what motivates him - if he is "towards" he will enjoy stickers or little treats , if it is "away from" then remove him or stop him from having a treat or take away something he enjoys for a little while. Young children understand things in the "immediate" so don't wait till later that day or tomorrow - take action immediately but always calmly and in control of your own emotions.

Try to change what is currently happening and do something different - often surprising your child with an unexpected reaction catches them by surprise and can be a great way to transform a stuck situation. Get him to see you brushing your teeth and why not all do it together and buy a "special" toothebrush... those electric ones are fun.

Also he may be feeling a bit jealous of his sister so reassure him by spending a little bit of extra time saying what a big boy he is and how grown up he is now. But make sure he understands that slapping her is totally unacceptable and try and get him to "help" you look after her as she is so small and he is "so big and grown up and helpful"

Be very clear about what you want, speak clearly and firmly and expect him to conform to your wishes and relax and breath slowly and deeply as you stay centred on the outcome you want.
I hope this helps
Take Care
Sue