[#1]

hi ladies! i was a member on this board many years ago and have decided to rejoin you all! i am christina, from colorado in the united states, have 2 kids from my relationship with my exwife, and am 32. i am applying to teach in europe for the 2012-2013 school year and can't wait to leave the US!!

i have been dating/living with a woman on and off for the past 4 years and she is struggling with being an alcoholic. i have known her for 17 years and she is my best friend. we had a great relationship at first and i know i should have seen the drinking as a problem but i guess i shrugged it off and thought that it couldn't be THAT bad. well, it has gotten to the point where she moved in april 2010 because she was drinking a bottle of vodka every day days. no beer, no mixed drinks, just straight shots. she had been violent with me, but not the kids. she blacks out and calls my daughter "him" and just laughs. i could go on and on...i'm really struggling because i know she is not a good influence for my kids or for me, but i do care about her. i was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with addiction in their relationships and could relate to what i'm going through.

if you have any words of wisdom, please let me know! we keep going back and forth about being together and then not being together and it's wearing on my soul!

thanks ladies!

c

[#2]

hi ladies! i was a member on this board many years ago and have decided to rejoin you all! i am christina, from colorado in the united states, have 2 kids from my relationship with my exwife, and am 32. i am applying to teach in europe for the 2012-2013 school year and can't wait to leave the US!!

i have been dating/living with a woman on and off for the past 4 years and she is struggling with being an alcoholic. i have known her for 17 years and she is my best friend. we had a great relationship at first and i know i should have seen the drinking as a problem but i guess i shrugged it off and thought that it couldn't be THAT bad. well, it has gotten to the point where she moved in april 2010 because she was drinking a bottle of vodka every day days. no beer, no mixed drinks, just straight shots. she had been violent with me, but not the kids. she blacks out and calls my daughter "him" and just laughs. i could go on and on...i'm really struggling because i know she is not a good influence for my kids or for me, but i do care about her. i was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with addiction in their relationships and could relate to what i'm going through.

if you have any words of wisdom, please let me know! we keep going back and forth about being together and then not being together and it's wearing on my soul!

thanks ladies!

c

[#3]

Hello hun

You're right, she's not good for you or your kids hun but if it was as simple as knowing that it would have been easy to walk away years ago. It's never as clear cut when you are inside a relationship and you see the loving side of someone, or the fun side as well as the part you detest. There's always a hope that if only the alcohol was out of the picture you'd be left with the person who is perfect for you.

Have you ever heard of co-dependency? It's a psychological process that keeps us hooked on someone who is not good for us and makes us put their needs above our own. Do Google it and have a good read, I think you will probably recognise patterns of behaviour in your own relationship. There's an excellent book I recommend you read called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. If you do  nothing else, you must read that book, it will give you such an insight and may even empower you to find a solution because you sound like you feel not in control of things at the moment.

Here in the UK we have an organsiation called Al-anon which is set up specifically to support friends and family of those with alcohol problems, I don't know if there is something similar in the States? It would be worth having a look at their website anyway

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

When you come to Europe, what will happen with your partner? Are you planning for her to come with you, or is the move a step towards getting some distance between you and a bit of thinking space? Whereabouts in Europe are you planning to teach? That's something really exciting to look forward to and wow well done you for having the get up and go to get it organised, you are obviously a strong woman,

((hugs)))

love

Teanna

xxx

[#4]

hi teanna! thanks so much for responding! yes, i would say that i have co-dependent tendencies with her. i will have to check out that book! thanks for the suggestion! and yes, we have al-anon over in the US too. i used to go to meetings and it was there that i really learned that this is NOT my issue, but hers, and that i have no control over how much she drinks, or how often. i can only control me. i can't change her. that was a tough reality for me to accept, but i did and feel better for doing it.

she actually doesn't know that i am planning on going overseas to teach. to me, yes it's putting space between us and moving on. i feel like i will not ever be able to fully get over this relationship and go forward in my life if i do not make a drastic change. she wouldn't be able to move as easily as i do with her job, so i am confident if i can get out of here then this relationship will end and it will be for the better. as of right now i have no idea where i will end up in europe. i start applying in september. i am VERY excited. europe has been beckoning me for years and i fell in love with several countries when i visited years ago.

have you had to deal with co-dependency and addiction in any of your relationships? nice to know i'm not alone! thanks again for your response!

hugs back!

christina

[#5]

Hey Christina

Wow I remember you from Mums Club February 05- its really good to hear from you

Alcoholism is such a hard think to deal with, its great that you realise it is her and not you that needs to change, but I am going to be really tough here

If anyone, other than her, spoke to one of your kids that way- I am talking a bully at school, or a neighbour or someone on the street- would you EVER let them be close enough to be an influence on them again? Or would you fight tooth & nail to protect your children until you were certain- 110 % certain- that that person would not do that again?

Until SHE decides to get treatment and be a different person then you cant do anything more for her- you just have to hunker down and protect you & yours. We have a Families affected by Addiction board, whilst whilst it isnt busy might e worth a look through some of the older posts and post on http://forums.ivillage.co.uk/t5/Families-Affected-By-Addiction/ct-p/iv-ukhladdict 

Take care Christina, and I do hope you can work your way through all this xx

Jules xx