Hello to all-
I have recently joined this board about a week ago, I had never gone down far enough to see the new member message board. I have recently found myself in a place where I don't know quite what to do... I have looked over a lot of the messages, this seems like a helpful place to get some answers.
I am a 24yr college student... Over the last six months I have really wanted to come out to some of my friend about my great relationship with my (first) gf. About a month ago I finally got the courage to finally tell two of my friends about us. It was such a relief and so empowering. Maybe a little too much. After telling my two friends I wanted to keep going. My gf didn't share the same enthusiasm as I. She hadn't told any of her friends or volunteer to tell her family, where I had told both by then.
So about two weeks ago I asked my gf to think about a question and let me know later on what she thought about it. I didn't want an answer right away, because I felt it would either make or break our fragile relationship(it didn't started out during the best of times, has always been a little rocky). I asked her to think about... in the future if she would ever be willing to come out about us to her family and friends. The difficult part is that we already live together and she has two wonderful children. I never felt right about sneaking around and lying to kids. I think it would be awful for them to find out about us the wrong way.
So she thought about it over a two day period, and told me that she didn't ever want to put her kids through the teasing and harassment of belonging to a lesbian couple (I'm sorry now if that offends anyone). She said that she also didn't want to loose the connection with her ex-husbands family because of them finding out about us.
So that left me with one thing to think... that our relationship was over with... the last two weeks has been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I had finally decided to give up on "us" and arranged to move out with another friend of mine. But I hadn't told my now ex gf that yet.
Tonight I got home late, she was mad at me because we had a miscommunication (again). It just stirred up all the emotions(again) *Finally getting to the point(I'm sorry, I'm trying to make it quick) We started a tense discussion about us... I told her that I was thinking about moving out(I didn't want to just drop it on her like a lead balloon). That's when she told me that she had been thinking a lot the last two days about us, that she wasn't sure that she had made the right decision. She suddenly wanted to think and try to come out no matter who it was... I'm not sure what to think about that. Then she said that she had never been so heart broken over a person before like she was over me...
I couldn't say anything... I just sat there overwhelmed, crying, and shaking my head in disbelief. Here I am finally trying to move on and now she wants me??? I felt like she wanted some sort of clue as to how I was feeling... all I could think of and say to her was that I had already lost hope in "us". She said she wanted me to think about this some more.
Now I am sitting here not knowing which end is up, just feeling so confused(again).
You know I love women, but why are there soooo many similar stories like this? I just don't understand... If you could help me please, all I can seem to do is just shake my head at all of this. I do love her, but she broke my heart. I just don't know if I can pull myself together again to be with her. I failed to mention earlier that we have been together for five years... I know minor detail, sorry.
please anything anyone has to say... say it all, you can be blunt. That seems to be working better for me these days. Thank you- FunLvnGrl
