[#1]

Hello to all-

I have recently joined this board about a week ago, I had never gone down far enough to see the new member message board. I have recently found myself in a place where I don't know quite what to do... I have looked over a lot of the messages, this seems like a helpful place to get some answers.

I am a 24yr college student... Over the last six months I have really wanted to come out to some of my friend about my great relationship with my (first) gf. About a month ago I finally got the courage to finally tell two of my friends about us. It was such a relief and so empowering. Maybe a little too much. After telling my two friends I wanted to keep going. My gf didn't share the same enthusiasm as I. She hadn't told any of her friends or volunteer to tell her family, where I had told both by then.

So about two weeks ago I asked my gf to think about a question and let me know later on what she thought about it. I didn't want an answer right away, because I felt it would either make or break our fragile relationship(it didn't started out during the best of times, has always been a little rocky). I asked her to think about... in the future if she would ever be willing to come out about us to her family and friends. The difficult part is that we already live together and she has two wonderful children. I never felt right about sneaking around and lying to kids. I think it would be awful for them to find out about us the wrong way.

So she thought about it over a two day period, and told me that she didn't ever want to put her kids through the teasing and harassment of belonging to a lesbian couple (I'm sorry now if that offends anyone). She said that she also didn't want to loose the connection with her ex-husbands family because of them finding out about us.

So that left me with one thing to think... that our relationship was over with... the last two weeks has been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I had finally decided to give up on "us" and arranged to move out with another friend of mine. But I hadn't told my now ex gf that yet.

Tonight I got home late, she was mad at me because we had a miscommunication (again). It just stirred up all the emotions(again) *Finally getting to the point(I'm sorry, I'm trying to make it quick) We started a tense discussion about us... I told her that I was thinking about moving out(I didn't want to just drop it on her like a lead balloon). That's when she told me that she had been thinking a lot the last two days about us, that she wasn't sure that she had made the right decision. She suddenly wanted to think and try to come out no matter who it was... I'm not sure what to think about that. Then she said that she had never been so heart broken over a person before like she was over me...

I couldn't say anything... I just sat there overwhelmed, crying, and shaking my head in disbelief. Here I am finally trying to move on and now she wants me??? I felt like she wanted some sort of clue as to how I was feeling... all I could think of and say to her was that I had already lost hope in "us". She said she wanted me to think about this some more.

Now I am sitting here not knowing which end is up, just feeling so confused(again).

You know I love women, but why are there soooo many similar stories like this? I just don't understand... If you could help me please, all I can seem to do is just shake my head at all of this. I do love her, but she broke my heart. I just don't know if I can pull myself together again to be with her. I failed to mention earlier that we have been together for five years... I know minor detail, sorry.

please anything anyone has to say... say it all, you can be blunt. That seems to be working better for me these days. Thank you- FunLvnGrl

[#2]

Hello to all-

I have recently joined this board about a week ago, I had never gone down far enough to see the new member message board. I have recently found myself in a place where I don't know quite what to do... I have looked over a lot of the messages, this seems like a helpful place to get some answers.

I am a 24yr college student... Over the last six months I have really wanted to come out to some of my friend about my great relationship with my (first) gf. About a month ago I finally got the courage to finally tell two of my friends about us. It was such a relief and so empowering. Maybe a little too much. After telling my two friends I wanted to keep going. My gf didn't share the same enthusiasm as I. She hadn't told any of her friends or volunteer to tell her family, where I had told both by then.

So about two weeks ago I asked my gf to think about a question and let me know later on what she thought about it. I didn't want an answer right away, because I felt it would either make or break our fragile relationship(it didn't started out during the best of times, has always been a little rocky). I asked her to think about... in the future if she would ever be willing to come out about us to her family and friends. The difficult part is that we already live together and she has two wonderful children. I never felt right about sneaking around and lying to kids. I think it would be awful for them to find out about us the wrong way.

So she thought about it over a two day period, and told me that she didn't ever want to put her kids through the teasing and harassment of belonging to a lesbian couple (I'm sorry now if that offends anyone). She said that she also didn't want to loose the connection with her ex-husbands family because of them finding out about us.

So that left me with one thing to think... that our relationship was over with... the last two weeks has been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I had finally decided to give up on "us" and arranged to move out with another friend of mine. But I hadn't told my now ex gf that yet.

Tonight I got home late, she was mad at me because we had a miscommunication (again). It just stirred up all the emotions(again) *Finally getting to the point(I'm sorry, I'm trying to make it quick) We started a tense discussion about us... I told her that I was thinking about moving out(I didn't want to just drop it on her like a lead balloon). That's when she told me that she had been thinking a lot the last two days about us, that she wasn't sure that she had made the right decision. She suddenly wanted to think and try to come out no matter who it was... I'm not sure what to think about that. Then she said that she had never been so heart broken over a person before like she was over me...

I couldn't say anything... I just sat there overwhelmed, crying, and shaking my head in disbelief. Here I am finally trying to move on and now she wants me??? I felt like she wanted some sort of clue as to how I was feeling... all I could think of and say to her was that I had already lost hope in "us". She said she wanted me to think about this some more.

Now I am sitting here not knowing which end is up, just feeling so confused(again).

You know I love women, but why are there soooo many similar stories like this? I just don't understand... If you could help me please, all I can seem to do is just shake my head at all of this. I do love her, but she broke my heart. I just don't know if I can pull myself together again to be with her. I failed to mention earlier that we have been together for five years... I know minor detail, sorry.

please anything anyone has to say... say it all, you can be blunt. That seems to be working better for me these days. Thank you- FunLvnGrl

[#3]

Hiya Funlvgrl,

I can t reply the way I want to right now.....(should be working)

But I ll get back to you later, I had a similar dilema a few years ago and I didn t want you to think know one has noticed your post.

Catch you later

Gemmaxxx

[#4]

Hello again !

Sorry couldn t reply earlier, Work n all that....

Anyway I can see both sides here as I ve been through it, (The coming out part bit anyway)

The difference being I was the one who didn t want to tell Family and Friends, I was living in My own apartment and seeing My now ex gf, She wanted us to move in together, After Me and Her really talking things through We decided to give it a go, She had Kids too, (that was never an issue) After I moved in She told Her Parents about Us, I felt ok-ish about that, Then She told Her Best mate, Her point being that was about Her and She wanted to be Honest with her Family and Friends, ok not much I could say about that really although I wasn t over the Moon about it. Then We got to My Family and as We wanted to visit My Parents She wanted things out in the open, She spoke to My Auntie, who spoke to me and said I should really tell them, I told them to tell my Mum, No problems Mum was cool (although she didn t tell my Dad). Why because She knew He wouldn t take it as well as Her, I ended up telling a few Mates & I lost a few as well through it, People can be totally fecking stupid and their opinions can change about You, I don t even to this day understand why We had to tell as many as We did, It wasn t any of their buisness, I loved Her, she knew that, Bottomline My point of view....... I didn t want to take the risk of alienating us and the Kids, Luckly She agreed with Me about the Kids, So they knew We were a couple but they didn t need to hear all the details, That made it easier for them to just accept We all lived together and were happy.

Suppose what Am saying here is just because Shes doesn t want to shout it from the roof tops DOESN T mean She doesn t love You,

Oh and TBH after living with Her for 5 years I really think anyone close Family ect will have more than likely guessed anyway.

HTH

Gemmaxxx

[#5]

Thank you Gemma-

Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated!

-Funlvngrl

[#6]

Thank you again Gemma

I haven't thought a lot about that aspect, but I can see where you are coming from. I am struggling because she went from one extreme to the other, I'm not sure if she is saying this just to keep me from leaving or if she is even really ready to come out. You know what I mean?

I am kind of to the point where I don't want to have to hide anymore, I've done it for soo long, that I feel now that I'm not happy with keeping it quite. I want people to see who makes me smile and laugh... see the person that I love and that it's not "just friends". One issue I have with this is in the past she has allowed some people to cross the of friendship with her infront of me. Nothing has ever set me off more watching something like this and not being able to say something about it. If the other people knew maybe they wouldn't of done some of the things... maybe they would have still, I don't know for sure. She had also allowed it to happen as well so she is not innocent.

Because she's older than me, some of her friends don't take me as seriously as maybe I would like. I just think that it might be different if they knew.

When I moved in with my gf or ex... we were just friends at that point. Then we grew closer and one thing lead to another one afternoon... now here we are. I guess I wish I would have opened my eyes a lot sooner than I did. But then again I am not the same person I was five years ago either.

But I struggle because I don't know if I can trust the fact that if I do stay will she be able to live with being out, because I think that has become important to me. The other thing is I don't know if I can pull myself back together to try to make this work anymore. I've tried soo long and so hard that now I'm tired. Tired of feeling like I'm competing for her attention, tired of holding in the frustration when someone makes a sexual verbal advancement to her, tired of sneaking around and worrying that if I kiss her will the kids see... I guess I could go on. I am tired, tired of trying... is that wrong of me?

Gemma or if anyone else has any input, please I'm listening.
-Funlvngrl

[#7]

Morning FLG,

I really do see Your point of view, The bit about other People making comments/coming on to Her, Bang out of order, Even if She doesn t want to tell them about the both of You She should tell them to Back off, (personally that did happen to me and My Ex did tell them No, when they didn t I couldn t sit back so I dealt with them)

I really belive You need to talk with Her, Explain how you feel, Don t force her to come out But tell her She needs to make You feel secure/loved enough not to feel like this.

Its society I blame for people not being able to be honest and upfront, Not You GF, As I share Her fears......Talk, Be Honest thats all You can do.

Take Care

Gemmaxxx

[#8]

Thank you Gemma for your time

Over the last few days, I've done a lot of thinking... I have pulled on my relationship tonight.

I feel really horrible for breaking it off... but I truly don't believe (strongly) that my girl friend was really ready for all of this. It is going to take some time... I on the other hand need some time to heal. I just couldn't muster up anymore emotions or effort... I've got nothing else to give... So I didn't know what else to do besides to end it.

So I hope all goes well for you, and I do appreciate your words and wisdom.

-Funlvngrl

[#9]

Hiya FLG,

Am sorry to hear things couldn t be resovled, Its always sad when things come to an end but Am sure You ve done whats best for You, So I congratulate You for being strong and taking control of Your life, Time is a great healer, I know everyone says that, but it is true,

I wish You all the best

Love & Light

Gemmaxxx

[#10]

Hey Gemma-

Thank you for the support... I don't feel great right now. I feel like I've failed my relationship. I just want to be happy... time is definitely going to have to take a part in this healing. I just hope I made the right choice, I hope I don't regret this down the road... I would feel soooo bad if that were the case.

Hope all is well with you.

Thx Funlvngrl

[#11]

Hiya FLG,

Your welcome, I can imagine Your not feeling to great now, But it will get better, The questioning Yourself if You ve done the right thing ect is only natural, Basically none of Us like to feel hurt and the easiest way to stop it would to go back, That would stop the hurt, But if its the right thing I don t know, I know Myself I ve gone back and it hasn t worked out, its hasn t been the same, The same old problems where never resolved.

So for Me I just felt like I prolonged the agony of it, Don t think of this as a failure, Its not its just life, Every relationship happens for a reason and I feel you learn something from each one, Loving someone for no matter how long or short in Your life is a great thing, Take something positive from it.

Take care Lass

Gemmaxxx