My heart goes out to you and I know how painful and traumatic things are for you at the moment and how hard it is to think sensibly. Only you and your mm know what is best for the two of you and your respective families, but I suspect that you know in your heart that it is over and you need to move forward with your lives.
I ended the rollercoaster of an affair with my mm, I think finally in March. It's hard to remember because we split up and got back together so many times and there were times when we were just texting as friends.
To give you a bit of background to my story, I was in a relationship with my mm for 2 years, he was always very honest with me that he loves his wife but "is not in love with her", she is his friend, they don't have sex, he doesn't want to walk away from his children who are grown up and doing their own thing by the way .... blah blah blah. The final nail in the coffin for me was when he booked a meditteranean cruise for his 25 wedding anniversary with his wife just the two of them. At the same time I was doing everything possible to avoid a holiday with my husband so as not to hurt my mm as he had been so upset when we had gone on a family holiday the previous summer, even though he too had a holiday with his family.He tried to make out it was just a holiday and he would be bored stiff with his wife, and he was going to miss me so much not being able to text me. It just finally dawned on me that I was his bit on the side, he was happily married, I just provided him with the sex he was missing with his wife.
I finally did what the members of this board recommend over and over again which is to break contact completely with him. I did this and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me the chance to understand what we were doing and that the affair wasn't what I imagined it to be ... we weren't soulmates, we weren't something special, we were two people having an affair no different to anyone else having an affair. He is happily married and would never leave his wife for me. Our relationship was doomed as soon as it started. There would never be a happy ending for me and my mm. He would always choose his wife over me, they have invested a life in each other, with children together, a house, shared finances, pensions, extended families, etc. There is no way I could ever compete with that. I also looked into the statistics of affairs which I wish I had done once I first embarked on one, rather than 2 years later. The bottom line is that only 4% (or something like that number) of married men leave their wives for their mistress and even if they do these relationships break up 90% of the time. It's something that is pretty much destined to fail.
I am so much happier now that I am no longer on that emotional rollercoaster, feeling constantly rejected, disappointed, inadequate, inferior, guilty, dirty and hopeless. I have my life back on track and I am strong again and am getting on much better with my husband .... I appreciate him and the life we have made together and am working on improving things with him. I still think about my mm daily, but I keep myself sane by repeating my mantra .... he loves his wife more than he loves me, he chose his wife over me every day for 2 years, we never had a future together, he is happy with his wife, I am better of without him in my life.
My advice to you lalamwah is to spend time reading these message boards and those on the american version ivillage.com which has a section called "Ending the Affair" which I found very helpful and it will help you make the right decision for you.
I wish you all the best lalamwah xx
I too feel for you and understand exactly how much pain you are going through at present. You may decide to stay as you are and accept what he is offering so you continue the emotional roller coaster or this may indeed be the end of your affair.
I tried everything everyone suggests on these boards. I tried the no contact, the just be friends texts and our affair at times was off and on.... I'm sure you know the storey.
What helped me through was coming on these boards, getting support as I could let off steam and basically pour my heart out. It was my lifeline. Reading the posts from other people who were in similar positions and experiences I realised I wasn't alone.
I tried ending my affair so many times, I tried the no contact, I tried the just friends, I thought I could leave my husband, he thought he could leave his wife....but we couldn't. We tried accepting the fact that we'd be secret lovers but that didn't work either. Honestly you can't really move forward with your life and affairs consume you. They change you.
Anyway I've been affair free for four months now which is the longest we've been apart in 3.5 years. We still chat occasionally but we both know we can't be together. Its taken a long time to get where I am now and no matter what anyone says it is painful. You just have to take a step at a time and try focus on making your life better. My heart aches for you but in the longer term you will find enjoyment and pleasure in other things. I have and although I still think of him I don't miss the affair. Sometimes we just meet people at the wrong time and as long as we learn from it then good can come from it all.
Try thinking that say in six months time if you are affair free then you'll have pleasure in so many other things but most of all you'll have peace of mind. My MM was someone I loved very much and I will always care for him but the relationship wasn't good for anyone. You forget how good life can be when you are consumed with the rollercoaster of an affair.
Just like saucycilla my life is much better now and what she says about how her life is now..could be you. Thats how my life has turned out. Honestly having peace of mind is something I will never take for granted. I hated the emotional rollercoaster an affair brings. You can make positive changes in your life that doesn't involve MM and you need to focus on you now.
Keep posting as nobody judges you on here and we all slip up from time to time. It will be hard for both you and MM but it won't be easy being together either. You can get through this and find happiness again.
Stay strong and good luck.
You only did what most of us would have done. Maybe set yourself one small target and stick to it. Once you've achieved your target you will feel that you have some sense of cotrol and it will help your self esteem. You'll see that you can make small changes to gain control over your life and the situation you are in. Then build it up in small stages. In the very long term you do get to the stage where you put some distance between you and the affair. You then realise that you can cope and learn to be happy in other areas. You just have to build on things but accept you will have set backs from time to time. It does make you stronger..honest.
Maybe start by saying you won't text him for a day or instead of 10 texts you'll only send 5. You could even do it around dropping things for him at short notice by setting yourself a goal of only allowing yourself to see each other when pre-arranged. I'm sure you can think of some little target.
It took me over 18 months to finally break free from my MM. I new for my mental health and well being I needed to take control over my life and get off the emotional roller coaster. I became a different person and stopped seeing life for how it really was. My affair consumed me. It was during this 18 months or so that I finally worked out what I wanted. I realised and came to terms that MM couldn't give me what I really needed.
I still love him but I love having control over my life and having normality more. Please make some positive small steps for yourself. Just take your time and go at your own pace. Its obvious you aren't happy with your situation so maybe the time now is to put yourself first and take one small step to improve your life. You don't need to tell anyone and especially your MM and take the time to think it over.
If you're not ready for this then that is fine. Just keep posting for support and encouragement.
I'm sorry you are still upset and confused, being in an affair is so traumatic and emotionally draining. There are such fantastic highs and miserable lows. Shygirl's advice is really good, and giving yourself a bit of control back will make you feel stronger. It sounds as though you are not feeling ready at this time to break free completely from your MM. Like I said before, only you and he know whether you have hope of a future together and whether it's the right thing for you to try and make things work. You may be one of the few couples who do stay together and make a life together.
I feel absolutely brilliant now that I am no longer in an affair ... so be reassured that if you do decide to break free there is light at the end of the tunnel. For me, the no contact rule has given me the chance to see things clearly. I took it with a pinch of salt when I read all the posts about no contact, I thought me and MM could be friends and I didn't want to not have him in my life at all. But even just texting as friends was us having an emotional affair and I was still feeling constantly that I was second best, my heart was breaking, I wanted him for myself but he didn't love me enough. I was like a shell of a person neglecting my children and my husband. It was so destructive for everyone involved. I am so glad he gave me a reason to finally break all contact with him because now I am back to being me and I am happy again, I am a better wife and mother and my family is happier too.
I still love my mm, but I now know that we weren't right for each other. If we had have been, he would have moved heaven and earth to be with me ... it wasn't what he wanted and I wasn't what he wanted and quite frankly why would I want to be with someone who doesn't love me enough to be with me and who loves someone else. We had no future together. When we first got together I was 100% ready to leave my husband to be with my mm. I thought he was maybe 50/50 but after a few weeks I realised he was maybe 98% going to stay with his wife, but I held on in there for that 2% bit of hope that something would happen and he would choose me. Like I said before, when he booked that cruise for his silver wedding anniversary it was like someone threw a bucket of ice cold water over me and I finally woke up ... there wasn't even 2% of hope, he was 100% always going to be living happily ever after with his wife. So that was the end for me. I no longer want to waste any more of my time on that dreaded emotional rollercoaster and I feel so much happier now that my feet are back on solid ground.
Keep coming onto the boards Lalamwah and reading the various posts and getting strength from the advice and comments of the other people who've been exactly where you are now and good luck. x