Hi am new to this site and signed up in the hope that I might be able to get people to see past the affair to a time when it won't hurt any more. Please bear with me because it may be long as I will have to give some background to put you in the picture.
My affair goes back 13 years to when I was single thirty something. Had several good and bad relationships but never found 'the one' until I met HIM....wow was just bowled over with love and lust. He was everything I wanted in a man; kind, generous, caring, a good listener and an expert lover. The fact he was a married man was the only 'slight' blip on the horizon. Did I think about his wife and family....no, not to start with at any rate. I was having the time of my life and (now realise) totally and unbelievably selfish! He was no secret in my circle and although ppl expressed their concerns I ignored them all. For the first time in my life I was in love and loved! Our affair lasted over 3 years, two being (almost) perfect and the third with me beginning (as we all do) to want more! He could give me everything I wanted but not the one thing I craved the most - a full time husband. I started issuing ultimatums which really pee'd him off... Then the rollercoaster started, .I ended it, went back, ended it, went back...hating myself each time I weakened and hoping to force him to do something. He kept telling me he loved me...so to me it was simple, then be with me then! He had children and said he could never leave them and therefore never leave his wife. We fought, cried. I realised I was turning into some sort of fruitcake. I loved him but my life was a miserable mess.
Eventually his wife found out about me it! ( I didn't tell her) Long story with lots of complications involving me being stalked by his family and subjected to verbal and threatened physical abuse. I got scared of answering my phone or going out alone. In an odd sort of way I think I deserved it so accepted everything that was thrown at me. My own family were concerned about my health and looking back I was only functioning not living. The day came when he ended it for good! NOOOO I couldn't do that..... yes you can he insisted. Its for the best. I lost any ounce of dignity I possessed then, pleaded for it to go back as it was even, I will just accept being 2nd best, but he said no. Bastard (I thought) he was just lying. It was all lies!! Couldn't get my head round all the lies....couldn't believe this man could walk out of my life - again no thought of how his wife might have been feeling at same time but this is about me not her. I swear I was nothing short of a bunny boiler. I kept going places I hoped I might bump into him. Even sat outside his house - how I was never arrested I have no idea. My life was over I didn't care! He didn't give in. I hated him then, with every ounce of breath in my body how I HATED that man!
I literally WASTED another 4 years of my life hoping against hope he would change his mind...looking for snippets of information about him, being locked in my own personal grief. Holding imaginery conversations, just wanting to talk to him. Sure I was still holding down a job but lost interest in how I looked or getting back into some sort of even keel. Anybody who showed the remotest bit of interest in me, I knocked back. They were too short, not funny enough, not interesting enough..I never gave them a chance!
Eventually a good friend took me to task and laid out exactly what I'd become and with no sparing of my feelings told me I was a selfish, egotistical waste of space and more oh boy so much more! She shook me up. Whether it was just cos I was at long last ready to listen I have no idea but I listened to her and started a 'new me' regime.
Not long after I met a guy who was to become my husband. We have a fantastic life and I look back and wonder why I put myself through so much misery? Make no mistake it was me and me alone who locked myself into a catatonic state and I look back and regret so much the wasting of so many years because I thought Mr Perfect had elluded me.
A couple of years after my marriage I bumped into MM totally unexpectedly. A lot of feelings I had at the time had gone - I just saw him as another guy who had been a part of my life but was no longer. He told me he had really loved me (and still did) that when he met me all sorts of things happened in his mind that he had never felt before either. He said he was torn and hurting just as much as I was. He just knew he could not desert his family. He was now a grandad and he idolised his grandkids. He knew if he had left he would never have got to be their grandad. I really did understand then. Sometimes love just arrives too damn late.
For me that was closure...I felt a huge burdon had been lifted. He explained to me at a time I could understand how he had felt. I didn't feel stupid or used any longer. It was lovely to talk and realise that perhaps MM do fall in love with their mistresses, not simply use them but life is not black and white. You can't invade another persons life and hope to get away scot free.
To all of you who are involved with married men I would say without doubt get out now! Clinging on will not make it 'happen'. To those who are at the end and are feeling deeply hurt and used I will say, he is maybe hurting as much but nothing is going to be gained by accepting the crumbs he can offer. Above all don't waste your life hoping for something if that something is not available to you.
For me, I am very happy and I can remember MM with fondnest but not pain and regret. I got there in the end!!!
Take care one and all but remember, life really is what YOU make it not anyone else.
BG
