I have been having a sort of affair with a married man for over a year ago. He is someone I work with sporadically thankfully. He lives on the other side of the world so luckily I don’t have to see him all the time. I do feel really bad about it and can’t tell anyone about it because of how awful it is but I can’t seem to stop wanting him. If I met him in a bar I wouldn't want him – he is much older than me and not particularly attractive (not like I’m saying I am either…) I have painfully low self esteem and there have been only a couple of other men in my life since I started this and none of them have been important. It’s mainly a virtual affair as he lives on the other side of the world but his e-mails can make or break my day, sad as that sounds. And now it seems like he has lost interest and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I know how awful being with a married man is and I’m not excusing my actions in any way but I’m in a particularly bad state of mind in general and this is killing me. I know this all sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself whereas the real victim in all of this is his wife, but I’m vulnerable at the moment and finding this hard to deal with. I do want to end it and have tried in the past (you would think it would be easy enough not to e-mail anymore) but I don’t have the will power to make it stick. He’ll send a really nice e-mail and I’ll be putty in his hands again. I know it’s partly because I’ve not had the greatest of years since I met him and if I had been feeling more robust then this wouldn’t have happened. I know what he’s doing makes him a bad person as well and my own father has been a very negative influence in my life so I know what this kind of behaviour can do. He’s also now turning attention to my colleague – I don’t know if it’s to make me jealous or because I told him I won’t be travelling to the work events he will be at and he wants a replacement. I’m sorry for the chaotic nature of this post and my whining I just need to get it out before I go crazy…
