[#1]

Good Morning

This post is aimed mainly at those of you who have had an affair and come out the otherside.

I am now affair free and have been for some time....But when I look back at what i have done, how I behaved etc I am wracked with guilt and shame. That person was not me!! I could not have done that.....??!!!

My thinking now is more rational... i think how could I have done it, how could I have gone out and met `him` and then come home again and behaved normally?  I know that now I couldnt do that.....Is it becos you rationalise it by thinking your in love?

I did pay a heavy price for my affair...it made me mentally ill for a long time and now I am off the medication etc and back to pre-affair I think... who was that person? Where did she come from? If I think about it deeply I could weep..... for the things i did and how I behaved.

So is this normal??? Has anyone else felt like this pls???

My family do not know and I look at them and think... god if they knew... and also.... there must be a further price to pay for what I did....Im waiting for a bad thing to happen to someone i love as punishment.

Hope this makes sense to someone else?

thanks

Pink-41

[#2]

Good Morning

This post is aimed mainly at those of you who have had an affair and come out the otherside.

I am now affair free and have been for some time....But when I look back at what i have done, how I behaved etc I am wracked with guilt and shame. That person was not me!! I could not have done that.....??!!!

My thinking now is more rational... i think how could I have done it, how could I have gone out and met `him` and then come home again and behaved normally?  I know that now I couldnt do that.....Is it becos you rationalise it by thinking your in love?

I did pay a heavy price for my affair...it made me mentally ill for a long time and now I am off the medication etc and back to pre-affair I think... who was that person? Where did she come from? If I think about it deeply I could weep..... for the things i did and how I behaved.

So is this normal??? Has anyone else felt like this pls???

My family do not know and I look at them and think... god if they knew... and also.... there must be a further price to pay for what I did....Im waiting for a bad thing to happen to someone i love as punishment.

Hope this makes sense to someone else?

thanks

Pink-41

[#3]

Hi Pink

I've been following ur posts for a long time & really admire u 4 having come on the other side. I have been in an affair for 4 yrs and have these phases where I think the same. I feel so ashamed of my actions and guilty ofcourse. I have this sane part which looks on, on the things I am doing and tries to drive some sense into me. When I am on NC for a month or so, the other stupid part of me makes me contact OM again. I feel so yucky after having contacted him. Am not sure how to stop doing it. It's as if that part of me is finding reasons to contact (we used to work together & I find excuses to get in touch).

I am trying hard, and stories such as yours help a lot. You are an inspiration to all of us. It's actaully so simple, yet so hard. And you have pointed out rightly, we rationalise it by thinking we are in love.

Love

Jane

[#4]

Hi Jane

Thanks for your reply.  Im plsd that my posts have helped some people including you.... I have always tried to be honest and open with my posts.

It took me a long time to finish my affair..... and it was only when he said something to me that made me wake up and smell the roses.... he said hadnt you realised it was only when i was bored, drunk or horny I replied to you! After all the years and all of the ups and downs (and you will have read that I had lots of them including false pregnancy etc ) that finally snapped and thought.... what !!??

It is far too easy to keep going back than face the reality of what you have done / are doing- all your are doing really is delaying the obvious end result.

Finishing it and meaning it and living a good life the real way is hard.... really hard. But at the end of the day.. the affair is like a fairytale (fantasy and not real).

You can do this if you want to: thats the key.... wanting to is they key I mean really wanting to.

it is an addiction though... and not one easy to beat...but you can. The days after the first time we finished i was a mess, and you know if i had kept going forwards it would have been so much easier - but like you I wanted to buzz... the attention.... i didnt want the pain or to face the fact that i was fooling MYSELF.

I can honestly say that I feel so much better for not living a lie.

all things come at a price... and i have paid a high price - but i came away with my family intact and for that I am and will be eternally gratefull.

I posted that post above as i had wondered if others felt the same as me... but i havent had any answers to my question... never mind. I will keep going onwards and if I can be of any help to you pls ask... I will answer you honestly and hopefully help you as others on here have helped me.

Love

Pink-41

[#5]

Pink

I am determined to break up the final time. Do you think it is better to do it over the phone / face to face ? There are so many things I want to say to him (of how much he has hurt me over some of the things he has said and done). Do you think I should say all those ? I want him to know though.

After this I am going to keep coming back to you and the board to see me through the hardest part.

Luv

Jane

[#6]

Jane xx

To be honest with you it wont make one jott of diference if you tell him or not... it may make you feel better (but only short term imo).

Couple of things: men dont think the same as us... men usually dont feel the same emotionally as us (he maybe does with his wife- if that makes) you can bare your soul and he may make some "noises" in agreement / deniel,  but he wont really give a t*ss... (maybe harsh but i think its the truth)

I was going to write to mine and tell him how i had loved him and how he had hurt me and the pain he had caused.... becos it was important to me he knew....Now tho .....im soo pleased I didnt....

Im pleased I kept those to myself and didnt give him the satisfaction of me bearing my soul to him like he was some kind of god....

Just decide and then do it... block and walk Jane and keep walking forwards xxxx

Pink-41

[#7]

Pink, good to see you back on here and that you have moved so far on from your affair. You were posting when I was reading the board every day and trying to figure out what to do about my own 'affair' altho I was the OW and he was (still is) married. Haven't been on now for months though.

I know exactly how you're feeling as I have been there and beat myself up so much. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, you did those things but you know they are not to be proud of and you have moved on and are doing everything you can to ensure it won't happen again. People make mistakes, its what makes you human. Yes, ours were biggies and could have caused alot of hurt and upset to the people that we love but they didn't so just count your blessings.

Shemy posted a poem once that I really like to read now and again. I'd like to think that in the last 18 months I have lived my life like this and I plan to in the future too. I think that is all you can do.....and please do try to forgive yourself as I think thats an essential part of moving on.

Myself

I have to live with myself, and so,
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself up in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in this struggle for fame and pelf,
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to think as I come and go
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself- and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

[#8]

Hi Gal,

Thanks for that, it was nice to hear from you.....

I dont come on loads but it is nice to try and help someone when you know how painfull it is for them as you remember the pain so clearly. So I add my 2p worth sometimes lol

It seems an age ago when i was on here trying to make sense of the mess i was in. I remember that poem when she put it on... and funnily at the time I thought how nice it could be to be able to look at yourself in the mirror -guilt free!!

I do acutally feel a lot better each day... as I am learning to live with my own emotions and feelings about myself. It may just take a while to get there completely but im getting there now.

 hope you are well?

Pink-41

[#9]

Pink,

I've only just this week come to realise that I meant nothing to my mm after 4 years of being together and me ending my marriage for him.

On Tuesday I finally changed my phone number and email address so he can't get in touch, not that he would because it was always me, but I'm struggling with all the emotions inside.  Not sure at the moment if I will ever get over him because for me, he was the one, or was I deluding myself, I just don't know.

You said above that men have different emotions to us and they can just make the right noises at the right time.  Do you think they do ever tell the truth at all?

I still don't seem to be able to get my head round the fact that he was lying to me.  I keep making excuses that he couldn't bear to hurt his wife for why he wouldn't come to me in the end.

Only last week he was saying he loved me still and was always thinking about me but I guess its actions that count isn't it?  Words are something that is so easily said and can be forgotten as and when wanted.  Why, oh why did he lie, its not something I can do all that easily so I don't understand when others do it.

The humiliation is bad though, that is something I will struggle with as well as not knowing the truth.

I wish I could be a mind reader to know exactly what he is thinking but I will never know or have an explanation for what he has done to me.  

[#10]

Hi Pink

This is the first time I have been back on this board in months. I remember well posting on your thread in 2009 when I was struggling with ending MA. We both got some excellent advice and I really appreciated your support and company. Some of the friends I made then on the board are RL friends now.

It took me another year to get myself free of XMM. My DH found my user name and read all my posts here and we went into meltdown.

Update is startling. I started psychotherapy to understand why I had acted so against all my values. 18 months on I have recognised I was deeply unhappy with DH and in denial, I had lost respect for him and become emotionally abusive in many ways. MA was just another expression of my detachment and loneliness. In a way I was also punishing DH for the years of resentment and anger. So we went to counselling together for 7 months until I decided to leave him and the (older teenage) DC and live on my own.

I have now been separated for nearly 6 months and DH is seeing someone else. I am still ashamed and grieving for what happened. XMM admitted he was just using me for sex (ouch) and wanted to stay with his DW and repair his marriage. I hope it has worked out for him but have no idea as I don't hear from him at all.

Do I regret what happened? Yes to my cheating and deceit but No to waking up and realising I was emotionally numb and suppressing my real feelings and behaving horribly.  I am closer to looking in Shemy's mirror now, I feel everything more fully and I am closer to people in my life now I am sharing pain and fear and uncertainty. I don't feel fit to have a close relationship with anyone at present but I am optimistic that things will get better.

I would never go back to how things were before. If midnightexpress or the others who gave me such blunt but good advice are still around thank you massively for your help!

[#11]

Hi Ally2,

Im sorry your hurting but you have done the  right thing by changing your number etc; that is the first step towards you healing yourself. You need to look after yourself and clear your head so you can start to think more clearly and rationally.

Of course men can tell the truth.. at the time they can mean what they say.....But in the cold light of day when the chips are down and he had to make a decision he realised that what he had at home was what he really wanted. Im sure he cared for you, but like mine - not enough to say:  I WANT YOU and tell the world it. So he didnt want you enough (nor did mine me  - im not being cruel).

Please dont drive yourself insane trying to figure out what he was thinking..half the time he wouldnt know himself im guessing. We can never know people reasons, and at the end of the day you are so true actions speak louder than words ...... your like me , I try never say things I dont mean.... but to some people when it gets them what they want the words fall from their mouths like rain from the sky.

Now you have blocked all contact with him you can start the hard work of re-building yourself, it is hard and painful but soo worth the end result.

lean on your friends, your family and gain the strength to get over this - as my mum says "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" you will be ok trust me.

Post on here when your low you will get loads of support im sure

Pink-41

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