[#1]

Hi

Well so far,  this year has been terrible, my son lost a finger, I had a really bad flu virus and the most recent my mum had a stroke.   The stroke wasnt too serious thank goodness in terms of  its effects but shes been in hospital for 3 weeks while they do some rehabilitation and assessments

What I'm getting at is when things like this happen you tend to look at your own life and mortality.  I dont want to be alone forever. It was horrible not being able to share these things with anyone.  When I had the flu there was noone there to even make me as much as a  cup of tea.  I have my sons and daughters but they are busy getting on with their own lives. It just doesnt feel the same as having someone who cares on that very personal level.

I have always believed that dating sites are the best way  for more mature people to meet  up. I hate to admit it but it is a fact. I dont like using them and find it hard to understand or get in the mind set of some idiots who lurk on them.  I've  had little success , met some really nice people yes but havent comeclose to a'relationship'.   Im open to the idea that maybe  I havent been in the right frame of mind or that I just havent been ready to settle down.  I met a couple of guys right at the beginning of my forey into internet dating who were your stereotypical players and I those bad experiences have stuck with me I think.

My problem is and this is going to sound rather arrogant but I dont find men in their fifties attractive.  I dont want a toy boy!!! I want to grow old with a guy my age.  I have met men in the past who I've got on really well with but there's been no physical attraction.  That might not be important to some but its been a deal breaker for me.  Am I going round this the wrong way?  If I get on with a guy on a date should I push myself to see him again even though there is no immediate attraction?  This is something Ive never done so far.  I dont go necessarily for 'good looking men'. In fact one guy who I met on a dating site and  fell madly in love with wasnt good looking at all but  had an a great personality.  His lack of good looks didnt matter as we had instant chemistry andgot on like a house on fire.  He turned out to be a committment phoebic and played stop start games for years.  I've found the guys who've matured well have the pick of the crop and tend to be less genuine.

I was hoping I'd meet someone in my everyday life whilst going about my business.  I work odd hours and nights out are few and far between.  Although being chatted up on a night out hasnt happened to me since I was a teenager.  I spend most of my free time at home with my 2 sons who still live with me. The internet is a tool I cant pass over and probaly if Im honest my only option really.

Ive subscribed to Match for 1 month.  Maybe I have to change the way I think...if you dont change something then nothing will change.....I cant waste anymore time.  

Any help with this would be really appreciated

Thanks  Northernstar54 xx

[#2]

Hi

Well so far,  this year has been terrible, my son lost a finger, I had a really bad flu virus and the most recent my mum had a stroke.   The stroke wasnt too serious thank goodness in terms of  its effects but shes been in hospital for 3 weeks while they do some rehabilitation and assessments

What I'm getting at is when things like this happen you tend to look at your own life and mortality.  I dont want to be alone forever. It was horrible not being able to share these things with anyone.  When I had the flu there was noone there to even make me as much as a  cup of tea.  I have my sons and daughters but they are busy getting on with their own lives. It just doesnt feel the same as having someone who cares on that very personal level.

I have always believed that dating sites are the best way  for more mature people to meet  up. I hate to admit it but it is a fact. I dont like using them and find it hard to understand or get in the mind set of some idiots who lurk on them.  I've  had little success , met some really nice people yes but havent comeclose to a'relationship'.   Im open to the idea that maybe  I havent been in the right frame of mind or that I just havent been ready to settle down.  I met a couple of guys right at the beginning of my forey into internet dating who were your stereotypical players and I those bad experiences have stuck with me I think.

My problem is and this is going to sound rather arrogant but I dont find men in their fifties attractive.  I dont want a toy boy!!! I want to grow old with a guy my age.  I have met men in the past who I've got on really well with but there's been no physical attraction.  That might not be important to some but its been a deal breaker for me.  Am I going round this the wrong way?  If I get on with a guy on a date should I push myself to see him again even though there is no immediate attraction?  This is something Ive never done so far.  I dont go necessarily for 'good looking men'. In fact one guy who I met on a dating site and  fell madly in love with wasnt good looking at all but  had an a great personality.  His lack of good looks didnt matter as we had instant chemistry andgot on like a house on fire.  He turned out to be a committment phoebic and played stop start games for years.  I've found the guys who've matured well have the pick of the crop and tend to be less genuine.

I was hoping I'd meet someone in my everyday life whilst going about my business.  I work odd hours and nights out are few and far between.  Although being chatted up on a night out hasnt happened to me since I was a teenager.  I spend most of my free time at home with my 2 sons who still live with me. The internet is a tool I cant pass over and probaly if Im honest my only option really.

Ive subscribed to Match for 1 month.  Maybe I have to change the way I think...if you dont change something then nothing will change.....I cant waste anymore time.  

Any help with this would be really appreciated

Thanks  Northernstar54 xx

[#3]

Hi NS

I probably can't give you any kind of worthwhile constructive advice about this, but if it makes you feel like you're not alone, it might be worth you knowing that I have a 57yr old female workmate who also does OD and her biggest complaint is that she is just not at all attracted to any of the men in her age bracket. Her main gripe is how much they are just like old men. She is looking for someone on par with herself. So, someone who keeps himself fit & active, is fairly trim and basically someone who she can be silly with and who is young-at-heart. All the men she has met so far have (in her words) just all been like old geezers that have gone to seed. Any other men that have remotely fit her criteria based on their photos or profile alone have all been looking for women as young as 30! No win situation.

In my own personal opinion, you just can't force an attraction were there isn't one. As you say, it's not all to do with looks. A lot of men have a flea in their ear about this and think all women want is Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I know if a Brad look-a-like turned up to me on a blind date, initially I would probably think, wow, what a great looking guy. But then if we had zero chemistry, our personalities didn't click and we just had absolutely nothing in common, then I would not fancy him. Then again, if a really funny guy with a great personality showed up but looked like Mr Bean, then I still probably wouldn't fancy him due to a lack of physical attraction, but he might make a good friend. It's really just about the package. If they hit the spot for you then THAT is what is important. If on a first date, you don't 100% fancy them but you think they have some good qualities then there's no harm meeting again, but there has to be 'something'. Some 'pull' that makes you think, "yeah, ok, he might be worth meeting up with again". Just to see if something clicks into place. But if there is no chemistry at all and the thought of seeing them again does nothing for you, then just don't do it.

My work friend has forced herself to go on multiple dates with men she clearly didn't fancy whatsoever and it;s never ended well. One of them even accused her of stringing him along. But to be fair, I kind of agreed with that.

Listen, I'm 35, and OD is the only way for me to meet anyone, too. I've just gone back on POF this past week and I've just accepted now that men can be total idiots. Even the genuine ones have all had moments of idiocy with women, therefore I am not getting my hopes up at all. I expect them to act like an idiot so when they do I can just accept it and not question their unfathomable behaviour.

All I can say is good luck on your quest.

[#4]

Hi Northernstar,

I think you should take your eye off the prize for a while. Don't focus on the outcome focus on moments. Life is made up of moments and if you can create a good moment you'll have a progression of them without high expectations or goals, just be and spend some time enjoying a conversation or a drink. Don't feel under pressure to do anything you aren't ready for and don't do anything thinking it will win you the ultimate prize as that hardly ever works.

Find ways of spending time with interesting people and just get to know them. If you find yourself thinking too far ahead stop yourself because you'll be spoiling a current moment with an expectation that may or may not come about.

Too often I think we project how we currently feel onto a future image and if we can't imagine ourselves in that scenario because of how we currently feel we can abandon the moment because we can't see it leading to the dream.

Pop those dream bubbles. Enjoy the reality of spending an enjoyable moment with someone you can talk to easily. Just get to know someone *slowly*.

You might want to try a friendship site instead and increase the people you can call on and who you can be there for who are in a similar situation to yourself.

http://www.makenewfriends.co.uk/v2/main/index.asp

http://www.makefriends.co.uk/

http://www.newfriends4u.com/friends.php

Owly x

[#5]

Hi Northernstar,

I'm sorry to hear the year hasn't been good to you so far. I hope your mum gets better soon and your son.

I think sometimes we have to look past what's put in front of us.

When I first met the one I'm seeing now I wasn't impressed with what I saw. His was over weight with a big chubby face. He did tell me before we met that he'd put on weight since his profile picture was taken which was about 18 months previous. So I went with an open mind. He was everything I didn't like in a man. But after talking to him a different person emerged. I looked into him as a person and not just how he looked facially. I can't say that he knocked me off my feet with his looks but he's not butt ugly either. His personality and ways make up for him not looking like George Clooney  

During the time that I was looking at Dating Sites I seemed to find the good looking men were the cocky ones who didn't reply or wanted a slim 20+ blonde on their arm. These men have got as much chance of getting that as we have of getting exactly what we want. I agree that there has to be a certain amount of attraction to progress otherwise there isn't any point in seeing somebody. But looks aren't everything and I'd sooner have a strong, dependable, reliable and not so good looking man than one who thinks he's gods gift to women and has no charm or charisma. I usually find people like this very shallow.

Maybe I looked at this the wrong way but, I've got no illusions about myself being a stunning looker. I used to think I'm not drop dead gorgeous why would any really good looking man want me. So I rarely messaged these type of people. I contacted people who I thought I would be comfortable with if anything progressed.

Good luck with Match.

KS 

[#6]

Hi KS,
Hidden diamonds are real treasures.
Owly x

[#7]

They certainly are Owly. If you dig deep enough, you'll find the diamonds. They just don't always glisten on the surface

KS

[#8]

Hi Moonpixie

Thank you for your reply

Im about the same age as your friend and have had a very simular experience.  I keep myself fit, put my makeup on every day and eat healthily.  I do this for me because as a result I feel good about myself...it boosts my confidence.  A lot of guys my age have given up.  Im not the type of person who is arrogant enough to expect anyone to change for me, I have to accept a person as they are or not at all.   I had a date last week.  We chatted for about a week before arranging to have coffee together.  He ran his own consultancy business, came across as intelligent and had a great sense of humour which came across very strongly in his texts and emails  On first meeting I didnt find him totally unattractive but his clothing smelt  over poweringly stale and had brown teeth this really put me off.   Am I being unrealistic?  He was a gentleman and insisted on buying me luncg which we hadnt planned. Overall I enjoyed his company.  I did arrange to meet him again the following week.  I dont know wether he in fact didnt find me attractive but he hardly text after we met so I didnt push it.  It really helps me if the guy Ive dated is slightly enthusiastic about meeting me again.  I just felt he wasnt that bothered.  That of course is just my explanation I dont suppose Ill really know for sure.

Sometimes I wonder if guys just like the dating bit...the chase 

Northernstar54

[#9]

Hi

Thank you Owly

Everything you have described Im guilty of.  Im sure at some point I'd have given the same advise youve given to me when Ive reponded to people on here.  I should practice what I preach.  I know what it is with me...I get caught up in the excitement, in the moment and all sense seems to go out of the window.  Especially if its someone I really have a connection with.  Gullable springs to mind.  If its someone I dont have a connection with, I become disappointed and shut down.  So I guess the guy can try as much as he likes ill have made my mind up within the first few minutes and the rest is history.  Im slowly beginning to understand its me that needs to change and where those changes need to happen. 

I have an active imagination and yes I project my thoughts during a date into scenarios like,  sleeping together,  living as a couple....if its someone who Im not  immediately physically attracted to then the answere is always No.  Then a sense of defeat creeps in and thoughts of whats the point of wasting our time with this.

Dont get me wrong, I enjoy dating guys Im a very sociable confident person and can talk to almost anyone.  I've never wanted or set out to be a serial dater but thats what Ive turned into.  Ive been too caught up in finding Mr Right and too focused on my stereotypical perfect man.  Of course he doesnt exist.

Im going to try a completely different approach. Yes take off the rose tinted glasses, pop the bubble,  Im going to try to pay more attention to what I hear rather than what I see.

Thanks Owly x

Northernstar54

[#10]

Hi KS

I knew one of these treasures. Not many others gave him much of a chance but he was absolutely wonderful and by far the best man I ever knew. 

I counted my blessings and good fortune many many times. Often just being amazed at my luck in finding him and so so so glad I took the time to get to know him. The contribution he made to my life was immense. I hope I was able to make a positive difference to his.

Owly x

[#11]

Hi Northernstar,

It's natural to project some aspects from the present into the future such as sleeping together and living as a couple. I think they are like indulgences really. Immersing ourselves in the euphoria of having met someone who has had an affect on us.

I think if those fantasies become expectations in the way we have envisioned them then we are taking a risk and should go with the flow and see where it leads.

I knew a man I worked with and he had a zillion female friends. I thought he must be a real ladies man, untrustworthy etc but what he would do was go out and get chatting to a woman and if she wasn't interested in him he didn't give up but he didn't pressure her for a relationship. He became friendly and chatted in a less flirty way and he got to know a lot of women who became friends. They would call at his house all the time. He worked from his house and I worked for him which was how I knew so much.

He was there for them and they were there for him as friends.

So maybe the trick is turning a potential romantic relationship into a platonic friendship before the person gets too far out of touch. You may find your ideal man is the friend or colleague of the friends you make.

Owly x