[#1]

Hi, Ive been looking through these message boards and it seems a great place to hopefully get some advice with a situation that is causing me anxiety.  Hoping sharing will help!

Ive been with my bf for 4 years he has a 12 year old son and 18 yr daughter who live with their mum.  Their mum im sure has depression she spends a lot of time in bed and the children have had to fend more or less for themselves.  The daughter now has a job and a bf and doesnt spend much time at home and always rowing with her mum.  The son is a quiet boy who i believe needs professional help he is very quiet hardly has any friends and finds it difficult to communicate with anyone other than his sister.  hes not really that good at communicating with his dad either.

throughout our relationship there has been lots of dramas with the mum neglecting the kids by spending time in bed not feeding them properly etc and for a while social services got involved and tried to work with her.  she admiteed she finds it hard controlling the children.  she doesnt work nd gets a lot of benefits.  she is one day ok and next day shouting at the kids and telling them to leave home.

my bf is concerned for his children but because he works shifts he only gets to collect them from school nd see them maybe every other friday they dont stay with him (we dont live together he has a flat) weekends and i wonder if thats part of the sons problem that he doesent get to see his dad enough.  he runs a local football team so is tied up sat afternoon and sun afternoon.

I have been involved with this now for over 3 years and always thought why didnt bf just rent his own place and have them to live with him.  or why didnt he have the kids when he wasnt working and make sure they were safe nd fed etc.   last year things got v.bad and the mum said she couldnt cope and wanted them to live with bf.  he looked into this but has now decided that as he works shifts he would have to leave his son on his own some nights and he cant afford to rent a place for him the son and daughter where she could be at home whilst hes working.  i suggested he change his job or at least look into doing so.  he doesnt earn bad money and with a bit of juggling could probably afford it.  thing is and this is something that I hve just come to realise I dont think he really wants his children to live with him, even tho he's been complaining for the whole time we've been together that the mum is a rubbish mother and neglects the children, he hasnt stepped up and taken responsibility for them he seems to think that because shes not physically abusing them then things arent that bad for them but his son spends most of his time on his own wtching tv playing games he never has friends over and never goes out with friends hes withdrawn into himself.  i think its because bf doesnt want to upset his life he doesnt want to change jobs as it's an easy job with good pay and it allows him to be able to run a local football team which he couldnt do if he worked 'normal' hours.

all in all I find him very selfish and am wondering if I really wnt to put in any more time and energy into this relationship, I have made numerous suggestions about getting counselling for his son, professional help and suggested ways sio that he can live with him but he doesnt seem to get very far.  even his sister etc thinkthe son would be better off with his dad.  i feel like i am pushing and pushing and hes doing nothing.  we have spoken about it and he almost admitted that he doesnt want to change jobs but whst i vcant get my head round is that this is his children, his flesh and blood and they are unhappy and he seems unable or unwilling to do much about it.

mybe im getting too old for this sort of baggage, im 45 soon !  I have my own children 20 and 23 who live at home their dads never been around but im supporting my household they do work part time so really i have enough on my plate with out all this, i wouldnt mind if i thought bf was actually going to do something about his problems but its become clear that heshappy toleave the responsbility of his kids with the mother and the state (she gets benefits although he does pay maintenance for the son) and not step up just moan about it all.  I just feel sorry for the son as he clearly needs a lot of help.

Aaarrrgh feel a bit better now!

[#2]

Hi, Ive been looking through these message boards and it seems a great place to hopefully get some advice with a situation that is causing me anxiety.  Hoping sharing will help!

Ive been with my bf for 4 years he has a 12 year old son and 18 yr daughter who live with their mum.  Their mum im sure has depression she spends a lot of time in bed and the children have had to fend more or less for themselves.  The daughter now has a job and a bf and doesnt spend much time at home and always rowing with her mum.  The son is a quiet boy who i believe needs professional help he is very quiet hardly has any friends and finds it difficult to communicate with anyone other than his sister.  hes not really that good at communicating with his dad either.

throughout our relationship there has been lots of dramas with the mum neglecting the kids by spending time in bed not feeding them properly etc and for a while social services got involved and tried to work with her.  she admiteed she finds it hard controlling the children.  she doesnt work nd gets a lot of benefits.  she is one day ok and next day shouting at the kids and telling them to leave home.

my bf is concerned for his children but because he works shifts he only gets to collect them from school nd see them maybe every other friday they dont stay with him (we dont live together he has a flat) weekends and i wonder if thats part of the sons problem that he doesent get to see his dad enough.  he runs a local football team so is tied up sat afternoon and sun afternoon.

I have been involved with this now for over 3 years and always thought why didnt bf just rent his own place and have them to live with him.  or why didnt he have the kids when he wasnt working and make sure they were safe nd fed etc.   last year things got v.bad and the mum said she couldnt cope and wanted them to live with bf.  he looked into this but has now decided that as he works shifts he would have to leave his son on his own some nights and he cant afford to rent a place for him the son and daughter where she could be at home whilst hes working.  i suggested he change his job or at least look into doing so.  he doesnt earn bad money and with a bit of juggling could probably afford it.  thing is and this is something that I hve just come to realise I dont think he really wants his children to live with him, even tho he's been complaining for the whole time we've been together that the mum is a rubbish mother and neglects the children, he hasnt stepped up and taken responsibility for them he seems to think that because shes not physically abusing them then things arent that bad for them but his son spends most of his time on his own wtching tv playing games he never has friends over and never goes out with friends hes withdrawn into himself.  i think its because bf doesnt want to upset his life he doesnt want to change jobs as it's an easy job with good pay and it allows him to be able to run a local football team which he couldnt do if he worked 'normal' hours.

all in all I find him very selfish and am wondering if I really wnt to put in any more time and energy into this relationship, I have made numerous suggestions about getting counselling for his son, professional help and suggested ways sio that he can live with him but he doesnt seem to get very far.  even his sister etc thinkthe son would be better off with his dad.  i feel like i am pushing and pushing and hes doing nothing.  we have spoken about it and he almost admitted that he doesnt want to change jobs but whst i vcant get my head round is that this is his children, his flesh and blood and they are unhappy and he seems unable or unwilling to do much about it.

mybe im getting too old for this sort of baggage, im 45 soon !  I have my own children 20 and 23 who live at home their dads never been around but im supporting my household they do work part time so really i have enough on my plate with out all this, i wouldnt mind if i thought bf was actually going to do something about his problems but its become clear that heshappy toleave the responsbility of his kids with the mother and the state (she gets benefits although he does pay maintenance for the son) and not step up just moan about it all.  I just feel sorry for the son as he clearly needs a lot of help.

Aaarrrgh feel a bit better now!

[#3]

Hello Caspie

What a sad situation for those children. It does sound as if the mother has depression and finds it hard to cope. As you know, the teenage years are particularly emotionally demanding on parents and she is probably struggling more now than at any other time in their childhood. Your bf''s son sounds very isolated and withdrawn and I can imagine it must be hugely frustrating that neither parent is taking the steps you can so clearly see he needs in order to grow up to live a happy life. He is more isolated at home now than ever as his sister is old enough to have got away from the situation and he has a lot on young shoulders.

I feel that the main issue all this has created for you is that it is showing your bf in a very different light, and one that you don't particulary like or feel comfortable about. He is happy to devote his weekends to other people's children, but not his own. You have showed him lots of solutions that would enable him to be with his children more and he has batted them away with lame excuses. I should imagine that it is making you wonder how he can possibly invest enough in a relationship if he can't even invest in his children?

He obviously knows what is going on with his kids and that they need some positive parenting and support but I get the picture of a man who is metaphorically sticking his fingers in his ears and saying 'la la la I can't hear you' every time you try to get through to him.

However, I don't think he's a heartless man, just a scared one. He is kind enough to devote his weekends to volunteering and is concerned about his own kids. I think he is frightened that he will be left in an all or nothing situation, scared that if he steps in to do something, it will mean having the kids to live with him and be responsible and he is frightened of that. I suppose if you have not lived with your children for a long time, to think about suddenly having two teenagers to live with you must be quite overwhelming. He may be worried that he might not be up to it, or it may make him feel inadequate and guilty about all the years he has left them with their mum, or even that it will spoil the relationship they have if he has to take on the unpleasant bits of parenting such as discipline and homework and emotional support.

You know him best of course having been with him for four years but just from reading your post I'd be inclined to give him another chance and tackle it from a different angle. He is not going to respond to suggestions about how his children could live with him with anything other than panic but perhaps he could plan each week, when he knows his shifts, to take them out for a pizza one evening that week, or maybe to go for a walk with them on a Saturday morning before football. Maybe his son could help him out at football, putting out the cones, collecting subs etc so they could spend time together but your bf is busy so he doesn't feel the pressure of a one-to-one.

He could contact his son's school and talk about his concerns with their mother, it may be that she is already getting some support from the school, and they would welcome some support from dad as well and can keep him informed. It shows his son that dad does care, but what he needs most of all is more time with his dad, even if it is just another hour a week it would mean so much to him. If he finds it too difficult on his own, how would you feel about going along too for a meal out or a walk with them?

Like you I also have two adult children (Im the same age as you too!) and I brought mine up entirely on my own with no contact with their dad and it's a lot of hard work and you have to have a determined attitude and a lot of get up and go to bring up your children completely and it must be very frustrating to watch your bf not putting in a tiny bit of the effort and strength you had no choice but to have when bringing up your own children.

Rather like a child, I think he needs encouragement to take one small step at a time with his and get his confidence up, if he seems willing to try this then that is really positive, if he doesn't repsond to any suggestions then I would, like you, be questioning what it says about his capacity for love but I'm guessing it's fear not heartlessness that is driving his behaviour.

((hugs))) to you, sounds like a difficult time,

love

Teanna

xxx

[#4]

Hi Caspie,

When I read your message I thought that a possible reason why he doesn't want his children living with him is because while he can blame their mother for not doing a good job with the children, if he took them on he would be the one who got the blame if they didn't turn out perfect or showed signs of issues etc. 

It is a big responsibility and maybe he doesn't feel capable of being that responsible.

In a way it's easier for him to sit in a loftier position and point a finger than actually doing something about it and be found to be not so good himself. 

You could be right and that it's just a form of laziness that he hasn't done anything about changing the situation. A lot of men can plod on until events force a change which is totally different to someone continually on at them to make a change.

While the mother is there and they have a place to go regardless of how good it may be then he would probably be happy to let it all continue and I doubt he would actually do anything about making changes unless he really has to. 

Owly x

[#5]

thank you both for your comments its really helpful to hear others points of views.

I know that he is not a bad person and he genuinely doesnt know what to do for the best but instead of doing somrething he does nothing and when I suggest things he sort of half-heartedly does them, nothing from him comes from his heart or gut feeling.  

I think I may have got to the stge where I just dont want all this in my life any more, its being going on for so long and its very draining to have someone who needs such a lot of support, almost like spoon feeding!

Also he has told me that if he does have his son to live with him he will have to leave him when he works shifts and that could mean leaving him couple of nights a week all night on his own, i just dont agree with this,  the son is nearly 13 and do i want to be with someone who can do this?  Ami I being silly ?  Anything could happen and what kid wants to be on their own at night.