[#1]

Hi anyone who is reading this. I just need to tell someone how I am feeling before my brain explodes.

I'm female and married with two young children. I have always felt more attracted to women than men though -most of my teenage crushes were on girls. But I suppressed all these feelings because (I now know) I was trying to conform to what I thought my parents (especially my dad) wanted me to be. With age and experience I now know that he would have been happy as long as I was happy, but those thoughts are deeply ingrained now and I feel that I have gone so far down this path (getting married and having children) that I can't see how I can go back.

So, yeah, married. And I love my husband. But I do not feel attracted to him any more. To complicate things further, I am obsessed (if that's the right word) with a female friend. We've been friends since last July although we have known each other for a couple of years and have always got on well. For various reasons our friendship had to be a secret until recently (my husband knows but nobody else) and I suppose the secrecy added to the excitement. She is all I can think about. We e mail or text nearly every day but only see each other once every two or three weeks. There is nobody else I feel so strongly about. I know she likes me as a friend, and I know that she has had boyfriends in the past but is currently single. I think that if I was not married etc I wouldn't have a problem with telling her how I feel - my feelings are so strong and I trust her so much that I would be willing to go for it. But my children are young and so many people would be hurt that I don't think that is an option. I don't know if she feels anything like the same - I would love to believe that she does - when we hug it feels like she really means it, and neither of us likes to let go. But I don't really think that there's any way she feels as strongly about me as I do about her. I promised myself that I wouldn't say anything to her unless she said something first, but lately I have been wondering if I should just get it out there, just to tell her how I feel, and that I know nothing can come of it and that she probably doesn't even feel the same anyway. But if we can't have a relationship, then I want her in my life as a friend and I would rather that than tell her and risk losing her all together. I can't even contemplate telling my husband how I feel. It would hurt him too badly. So I suppose my only option is to keep it inside. At least then it is only me that is hurting.

I'm not expecting much in terms of an answer and I don't really feel any better for rambling on but I had to get it out or go mad. Aaargh I love her so much

[#2]

Hi anyone who is reading this. I just need to tell someone how I am feeling before my brain explodes.

I'm female and married with two young children. I have always felt more attracted to women than men though -most of my teenage crushes were on girls. But I suppressed all these feelings because (I now know) I was trying to conform to what I thought my parents (especially my dad) wanted me to be. With age and experience I now know that he would have been happy as long as I was happy, but those thoughts are deeply ingrained now and I feel that I have gone so far down this path (getting married and having children) that I can't see how I can go back.

So, yeah, married. And I love my husband. But I do not feel attracted to him any more. To complicate things further, I am obsessed (if that's the right word) with a female friend. We've been friends since last July although we have known each other for a couple of years and have always got on well. For various reasons our friendship had to be a secret until recently (my husband knows but nobody else) and I suppose the secrecy added to the excitement. She is all I can think about. We e mail or text nearly every day but only see each other once every two or three weeks. There is nobody else I feel so strongly about. I know she likes me as a friend, and I know that she has had boyfriends in the past but is currently single. I think that if I was not married etc I wouldn't have a problem with telling her how I feel - my feelings are so strong and I trust her so much that I would be willing to go for it. But my children are young and so many people would be hurt that I don't think that is an option. I don't know if she feels anything like the same - I would love to believe that she does - when we hug it feels like she really means it, and neither of us likes to let go. But I don't really think that there's any way she feels as strongly about me as I do about her. I promised myself that I wouldn't say anything to her unless she said something first, but lately I have been wondering if I should just get it out there, just to tell her how I feel, and that I know nothing can come of it and that she probably doesn't even feel the same anyway. But if we can't have a relationship, then I want her in my life as a friend and I would rather that than tell her and risk losing her all together. I can't even contemplate telling my husband how I feel. It would hurt him too badly. So I suppose my only option is to keep it inside. At least then it is only me that is hurting.

I'm not expecting much in terms of an answer and I don't really feel any better for rambling on but I had to get it out or go mad. Aaargh I love her so much

[#3]

Hi Sophie_jay,

Have you tried casually bringing the subject up of relationships between women and find out if she's ever had a crush on a woman or if she would rule it out or if it would be something she'd ever consider in a hypothetical kind of way ?

At least you'd get some idea of how she might react if you were to tell her at some stage.

I watched Last Tango in Halifax several weeks ago and Sarah Lancashire was playing the part that was similar to your situation. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01p1q6x/profiles/caroline

Owly x

[#4]

Hi Sophie,

Wow..I'm shocked I have found someone in a similar situation to me on here.  I posted a while ago but didn't really get a response so I would love to be able to talk to you about it.

I'll tell you a little about my situation.  I am 24 and have been married for just over a year. I got married for love and I was happy. In July last year I went out with my work colleagues and ended up kissing a woman I work with who is gay. I have known the woman for 7 years as we went to university together and then I got her a job where I work. At first I thought nothing of it but then over the next few weeks things developed and since the end of August we have been having an affair. My husband and I have had problems of our own as well. I wasn't happy and I had brought it up with him and nothing has really changed. I even wrote him a letter but he wouldn't write back. He's been texting a few girls as well, even trying to arrange a meeting in a hotel with one.  My husband isn't all bad though and I do love him but I'm not in love with him.

If this woman was to tell you she felt the same would you leave your husband? I feel the same as you about not wanting to hurt anyone but if you stay with your husband feeling this way is that fair on him?  I hope we can help each other out :-)

xxx

[#5]

Hiya,

Yes, your situation does sound similar to mine.

Even before I met my "friend" (I'm not sure how to refer to her because nothing has happened between us apart from hugs!) I wasn't 100% happy in my marriage. I hadn't admitted that to myself really though. I had some counselling last year for an unrelated issue and didn't even manage to be completely honest about my relationship with my husband then. I am thinking of going back for more counselling and saying "I am ready to be honest now!"

You asked if I'd leave my husband if she felt the same as me. Honestly, I don't know. If it was just my husband then probably I would. But I get on really well with his family and I would hate to hurt them, and as I said we have two children and I could not leave them - but equally I don't think I'd feel right about taking them with me into this situation. If they were older maybe it would be different. Lately I have been feeling like I just don't see my marriage lasting forever which is awful, because when we married that was the only thing I could imagine. My husband doesn't make me feel valued, appreciated, or loved. I feel like a convenience. I know that if I told him how I am feeling he would be mortified and upset, but I can also imagine him getting all stroppy and just saying "yeah, I know I am a rubbish husband". I have almost given up trying to have a conversation with him about anything important because I just don't feel like he understands.

But with her it is so different. I feel like she appreciates me as a person, and for who I really am as when I met her I wasn't trying to be someone I am not (my husband and I were "set up" by a mutual friend). I feel like she really cares about me and I know I care deeply for her. Recently she was very upset about events in her life and it almost broke my heart to see her so distressed. But at the same time it was so, so refreshing to have someone in my life who shows a bit of EMOTION. The only time my husband has ever cried since I have known him was a little whimper when our son was born. And that's not for lack of stuff to cry about. It's just not something he does, and that's just him. But it's not me. I need people around me to be ok with showing their emotions - I have bottled mine up for most of my life and I don't want to do that any more.

The thing is, even though my friend and I haven't "done" anything, and she doesn't even know the full extent of my feelings for her, I feel a little bit like I am being unfaithful already. I fantasise about her a lot and although all we have done is hug, it feels REALLY good, and completely different to hugging any of my other friends. It's been a few weeks since I saw her and all I can think about is when we will be together again. I so want to tell her how I am feeling, but I can't realistically see how anything could happen between us for the forseeable future - as I said, even if my marriage ended I don't think I could be in a relationship with her while my children are little. I have gone too far down the "being married" route now to be able to get out easily. It doesn't sound like you have though? And you have at least tried to tell your husband how you feel which is a very brave thing to have done.

x

[#6]

Hi Sophie,

I think maybe some counselling would help you come to terms with your feelings.  I tried a bit of counselling but I think I'd already made my mind up on how I felt so didn't find it that useful.  Now that I have discovered how amazing a relationship can be I don't think my husband and I's relationship has ever been 100%.  He is secretive and doesn't like to talk about 'hard' issues and I could count the number of times we have argued on one hand.  I know what it feels like to be with someone who doesn't make you feel valued or appreciated.

I worry as well about leaving my husband.  Although we don't have children it is hard to imagine not seeing his family again or some of our mutual friends.  I know you say you are worried about taking your children with you but they are very resilient when they are younger and don't you think they would prefer to see you happier?  I wouldn't want you to feel like you'd have to leave them.  Even if you can't be with this woman do you want to stay with your husband?

I do think that you should approach this woman and maybe drop some hints or try to scope out how she feels about you.  Bare in mind though that once the can of worms has been opened it can't be closed again and if she does feel the same it will be hard to stop it.  I don't regret being with my OW for one second but I do often wonder if it would have been easier on everyone if I had stopped it before it became something more than just friends.

Virtual hugs

xxx

[#7]

Hi, sorry it's been so long.

I know what you mean when you say your husband doesn't talk about "hard" issues. And we don't argue either - I always thought that was a good thing, but now I know that some arguments can be healthy and that never arguing might just mean that we are avoiding the big issues.

I still don't know if I would want to leave my husband if I can't be with my friend. I am not especially happy with, well, pretty much everything in my life at the moment. But I feel as if there is nothing I can do about any of it. The decisions I made so long ago seem irreversible and I don't know how to change things. I think part of the issue is I see my friend with her free, single life and feel a bit envious - the grass is always greener isn't it! So as well as wanting to be with her, I just want to be her. And I admire her so much. She's so beautiful, and not just on the outside. And it is not helping me that I have not seen her since the beginning of January (various illnesses have led to a couple of cancelled meet-ups) and am getting really desperate just to feel her arms around me again. I am finding it really hard to stop myself just typing "I LOVE YOU!!!!" when I e mail her and I have been feeling very depressed lately as a result of bottling up my feelings.

Does your husband know about your OW? I can't imagine how I'd tell my husband I had feelings for anyone else, male or female.

I did send my friend a valentine's card but I was not brave enough to sign it. She hasn't mentioned it in any of her messages so I think she probably doesn't know it was from me. I wish I could tell her. I wish my life was less complicated. I kind of wish I just loved my husband, or had never met my friend. But I can't wish I had never met her because even just as a friend she is so special to me. I wish there was a way I could make her know how much I love her without it sounding weird. Oh this hurts so much :-(

[#8]

Hi Sophie,

No need to apologise!  The grass does always seem greener on the otherside and I have thought myself about whether if I left my husband would I regret it.  There are many 'what ifs' to think about but unfortunately we won't know the answers unless we go for it.  I think that this is getting to you so much that one day you might just blurt out your feelings for your friend and it might come across to her in the wrong way.  Maybe you should tell her, even if it is just to give yourself some relief.  Don't make it a big thing and maybe don't tell her you love her but explain you've been having some feelings for her that is more than just friends.

If you don't tell her then that will always be your biggest 'what if'.  Even if she doesn't feel the same way then at least you'll know.  As for staying with your husband..remember..you only have one life.  This is not a dress rehearsal and to stay unhappy for the rest of your life is a long time.

My husband has no idea about my OW.  I'm trying to get my head around the whole thing still and trying to accept myself and my feelings.  I don't want to hurt him but he isn't innocent either..but that is another story.  If there is another method of communication you would find easier talking to me in e.g. email let me know.  I'm always around!

xx

[#9]

I told her.

I did it in an email. Wish I had the guts to do it in person.

She replied to let me know she'd got my message but needed time to think before replying. So it wasn't "Oh I feel the same, hooray" but equally not "OMG what?! You're disgusting!"

I just hope we will still be friends at the end of this. I couldn't bear to lose her as a friend.

[#10]

Hi Sophie,

If she is as good as a friend as you think she will still be there for you regardless of how she feels.  Let me know how you get on :-)

Do you at least feel some relief that you have got it out?

xx

[#11]

I thought I did, but the longer it goes without her replying the worse I feel. Trying to be patient cos I know it's a lot for her to take in. I just hope I haven't wrecked this. At the moment I really wish I'd never said anything.