[#1]

hello everyone i need some advice i feel i have no where else to turn. im 29 and been with my partner on and off for 5 years we have 2 daughters and i have 2 children from previous relationships they call him dad. my issues are after my last 2 children i lost interest in sex and this has got worse since the birth of the 1 year old, its not that i desire other people i just have no desire at all. my partner takes money from me every week im struggling on benefits and he wont get a job i get 273 a week and then another 130 every 2 weeks he gets 130 a fortnight every week he takes between 50 and 80 pound but he gives me nothing of his money he claims he doesnt have enough and that hes barely surviving when i can easily manage i have to put 100 pound a month to rent when we move in october and all the bills shopping etc. he doesnt watch the kids for me and if and when he baby sits he wants paying, he says my money is rightfully half his as i wouldnt have the girls if it wasnt for him, also he goes nuts at me for watcching soaps and tries to stop me saying im titilated by them and i want to live my life like them. he watches films and they can be horrific but wont have bad word said about them! hes eve let my kid watch 18 movies. he smokes cannabis an alot of it. he washes at mine does his washing and takes shopping home. i have tried to stop this and everytime i try to say that i cant afford it i get guilt tripped and told im a bitch and im taking everything away also that i could easily do it if i budget correctly my mum is getting very annoyed and is on at me so much. i m trying not to give it to him but everytime i do he just rants at me etc he says he wont be in a sexless relationship we had ablinding row about me bringing the sun newspaper ito the house for the holiday tokens. my views on parenting and his are totally different he wouldnt even liet the girls have dolls etc he controls everything even if i can cut there hair i dont know what to do anymore if i say that im not giving him money i get hell if i try to finish im the biggest slut going and want other people etc he says it isnt like that and its all me he continuousley accuses me of cheating moans at me for bein tired im aneamic and bringing up 4 children 2 under 4 all day with no help do 3 school runs and dont drive is it any wonder im tired? this is making me ill i want to stand up and stop this i do love him despite what he thinks i just dont want to be a mat that he can walk all over he puts me down etc and my family but i have to be there for him he tells me whats happening ie when hel be round etc if i go to his he wont even open the door. he pawned his stuff to get money for cannabis and i have to pay for the contracts he says i only want him to get a job so i can get all my money and his i even used his logic and said if half my money is rightfully his then half his is mine and im going csa and he said dont u dare use that with me i m financially trying to strangel him and he wishes he never had children says he tols me he wasnt ready but we planned our first daughter its making me ill im on anti depressants and affecting my relationship even with my chidren please give me some advice

[#2]

hello everyone i need some advice i feel i have no where else to turn. im 29 and been with my partner on and off for 5 years we have 2 daughters and i have 2 children from previous relationships they call him dad. my issues are after my last 2 children i lost interest in sex and this has got worse since the birth of the 1 year old, its not that i desire other people i just have no desire at all. my partner takes money from me every week im struggling on benefits and he wont get a job i get 273 a week and then another 130 every 2 weeks he gets 130 a fortnight every week he takes between 50 and 80 pound but he gives me nothing of his money he claims he doesnt have enough and that hes barely surviving when i can easily manage i have to put 100 pound a month to rent when we move in october and all the bills shopping etc. he doesnt watch the kids for me and if and when he baby sits he wants paying, he says my money is rightfully half his as i wouldnt have the girls if it wasnt for him, also he goes nuts at me for watcching soaps and tries to stop me saying im titilated by them and i want to live my life like them. he watches films and they can be horrific but wont have bad word said about them! hes eve let my kid watch 18 movies. he smokes cannabis an alot of it. he washes at mine does his washing and takes shopping home. i have tried to stop this and everytime i try to say that i cant afford it i get guilt tripped and told im a bitch and im taking everything away also that i could easily do it if i budget correctly my mum is getting very annoyed and is on at me so much. i m trying not to give it to him but everytime i do he just rants at me etc he says he wont be in a sexless relationship we had ablinding row about me bringing the sun newspaper ito the house for the holiday tokens. my views on parenting and his are totally different he wouldnt even liet the girls have dolls etc he controls everything even if i can cut there hair i dont know what to do anymore if i say that im not giving him money i get hell if i try to finish im the biggest slut going and want other people etc he says it isnt like that and its all me he continuousley accuses me of cheating moans at me for bein tired im aneamic and bringing up 4 children 2 under 4 all day with no help do 3 school runs and dont drive is it any wonder im tired? this is making me ill i want to stand up and stop this i do love him despite what he thinks i just dont want to be a mat that he can walk all over he puts me down etc and my family but i have to be there for him he tells me whats happening ie when hel be round etc if i go to his he wont even open the door. he pawned his stuff to get money for cannabis and i have to pay for the contracts he says i only want him to get a job so i can get all my money and his i even used his logic and said if half my money is rightfully his then half his is mine and im going csa and he said dont u dare use that with me i m financially trying to strangel him and he wishes he never had children says he tols me he wasnt ready but we planned our first daughter its making me ill im on anti depressants and affecting my relationship even with my chidren please give me some advice

[#3]

Hi, I'm Linda.
Sorry to hear about your problems.
I'm not going to beat around this, but deep down I think you know what to do.
You have to leave him, and not just for your own sanity, but also your children.
Not to sound to cheeky, but this guy sounds awful.
Now I know I don't really know him but it sounds like you don't know him anymore.
Don't key him treat you like this.
End it now.
Before it's to late.
You know you have to.
Linda. Xx

[#4]

I agree with Linda, you can't stay in this relationship. He's not going to change his behaviour so you need to protect yourself and your children.

[#5]

Hi

Dump him.. he sounds like a right waste of space. Personally, I would not have kids with someone who cannot hold down a job and with someone who is a dopehead. Also, the relationship does not sound very stable where you stated that you have been on and off for the last 5 years.  Was he this strong pillar of society before you have kids together?   Now he is saying he wishes he did not have children??  Well, he should have thought about that when he got excited a couple of years ago! Sorry, I sound like Jeremy Kyle!

I am childfree by choice and it is issues like what you mention above, that make me continue to be.  I love kids, but I know they have a massive effect on relationship/money/work etc. He may have been in love with the idea of having children and then when the reality hit home.. it is a shock to his system!  Oh well, he has to man up and deal with the consequences.

He is very controlling by the sounds of it.  If it was me, I would uproot and leave him, change the locks, whatever.  

Someone else mentioned that you already know the answer.... you just want it confirmed... drop him.

I hope I do not come across as harsh, I am just a realist and tell it like it is.  No rose tinted glasses.

M x

[#6]

I agree with the others - get rid of him!  He is obsessed with money, would rather smoke dope than make sure you have enough money to feed and clothe his own children and sounds like a horrible, abusive man.  Is there any chance you can move away so he doesn't know where you are?  He is a selfish bully who obviously has no love or respect for you, and you and your kids would be far better off without him.   You don't deserve to be treated like this and you must be struggling enough with a low income, health problems and 4 kids on your own, and far from doing what a loving partner should do, ie helping and supporting you, he is making your life even more difficult than it already is.   If you can, I would change the locks, change your phone number and see whether you can move somewhere away from him.  Have a look at the Womens Aid website and ring their helpline for advice, and if you feel intimidated by him coming to your house, have a word with the police to see whether there's anything they can do to help you keep him away.  

Good luck!

[#7]

I wonder what should he do in order for you to understand that you had better run away ASAP? Cos in my view he's just a waste of space. Why r you still with him? He does nothing for kids, he does nothing for you. Why keep him? Get rid of the bloodsucker. You are selfsufficient. You'd better off without him.

[#8]

well ladies i took your advice and finished it with the other half now im everything under the sun  i apparently am a bitch he told me he wasnt ready for aa relationship im a user and a louse i have done nothing. i stood my ground today and would not give him money for his habit and its got worse non stop abusive text all day  even told me not to pay my daughters nursery fees to get him pot, etc i have changed payments to monthly now just so i dont have it to give he is threatening suicide tonight i know he wont do it! its all to get me to feel sorry and mentally make me out to be the bad one i was scared to be at home today and told him this was harrasment! i apparently have children with people and then dump them when they wont give me money this is the man that claims he loves me!!!! i dont know what to do i dont want to move away and up route the kids again my eldest has emotional ad behavioural needs and has already been to 4 schools she seems to be settling finally in year 5!!! but i dont feel i can stay with him round the corner doing this to me and trying to talk me round all the time and mentally bringing me down im a wreck

[#9]

Mumyslildarlings, you are very brave. You have finally made a first step!
I'm not surprised by his reaction to the news you broke out to him))
Now you see what kind of a man he is. You just have to finish with all. You are right, you cannot live happily with this loser around the corner. I'm afraid the only way out is to move. And, believe me, kids will experience much less stress from changing house, school, friends than from watching your abusive drug addict partner tormenting you.
Be strong! Good luck to you! Lots of hugs.

[#10]

Hi...

Well done for leaving him!  You will be alright, you coped on your own before you met him, I am sure you can continue to carry on.

Most people who say they will kill themselves, they never do because they are doing it for the emotional blackmail and more than likely, the attention.  I have known of people who have killed themselves and left no note or did not proclaim they would kill themselves beforehand.  Basically, if someone is suicidal, they will just get on with it.

Do not go back to him.. it did not sound like the greatest love story ever told.... he does not sound like he will change.. he has issues he needs to address.  If you did go back to him, he would have won and a leopard never changes its spots.

Good luck

M x

[#11]

Well done for being strong enough to leave. In my experience men like that always threaten suicide when their partner leaves, like you said, it's to make you feel sorry for him. You're not responsible for his actions. He's behaving like this because it's always worked in the past, he won't continue when he realises it doesn't work anymore.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think your child's emotional and behavioural needs are likely to have been made worse by the situation at home, even if she is settling at school. Children need their homes to be emotionally stable and if you can only provide that by moving I think it might be worth it. I obviously don't know what your daughter's needs are, but could you make moving exciting for her by letting her help you choose which colour painT to use or something like that? I have a lot of cousins with special needs and for them routine is the most important thing in making them feel secure, and I don't see how your children can feel completely secure in this situation.