[#1]

Hello

I wonder if somebody could help me with their thoughts on this matter.

I work in a large firm and a colleague (who I consider a friend) has been seconded for  three days a week to another large firm. He's there for six months and is about two thirds of his way through his secondment but I know he is not too happy there and looking forward to coming back full-time with us.

Last thing on Friday he invited me out to have drinks with his seconded boss and his secondment colleagues. I said yes and thought it was nice for him to ask me.  I was really nervous to meet them all though.  I am shy when it comes to meeting new people for the first time and it did show a bit but I relaxed as time went on.

I met his secondment boss for the first time and had only just spoken to him for a short while and he was looking at the Internet on his phone and I said that I had a toy in my bag (my iPad) and that I would get that out.  The boss commented "Is that your vibrator then?" which I was really surprised that he said because I had only just met him and found it very inappropriate (the bosses where I work would never say anything like that to anybody - especially people they've only just met). I ignored him but noticed that his humour  always seemed to be talking about sex. 

Everything you said (and this is for everybody - not just me) he seemed to twist around to the same thing 'sex'.

He also went to order food from the bar and said that I looked like I liked my food.  Kind of, 'no stranger to a fish & chip supper?' type of comment, which I also found really offensive.

My friend (who has been seconded) is gay and he also called me a 'Fag Hag' and said that I was attracted to him (which I'm not - I just consider him to be a friend). His boyfriend turned up (who I know quite well) and whispered to me what I thought of the boss (which I said not much) and he commented that his humour was a bit 'obvious' and that he agreed with me.

Towards the end of the evening we all had had more to drink and I was sitting beside this boss and I said that he shouldn't say those sort of things to me because we'd only just met and he didn't know me and that it could cause offence if you don't know that person (I find it all a bit disrespectful). He said that he didn't care what people thought and that I must have real 'hang ups' about talking about that type of thing  I really do not.  I have a laugh about all sorts of things but only with people that I actually know.  What I noticed is that it seemed to go down like a lead-balloon.

Everybody was very silent and not saying anything and I realised it must have come across a bit controversial but I really did not mean to do this.

My gay friend did nothing to help. He agreed with the boss and then when it was suggested that he have a leaving do at his seconded firm he turned around to me and said 'You're not coming'!  I felt a bit hurt by that but not sure if he was just trying to impress the boss and keep out of trouble with him.

I am just wondering what people's thoughts are with this,

Was I right to say something and was my gay friend a bit disrespectful tome to say what he said too?

I am back at work tomorrow and wonder what the atmosphere will be like between my friend and myself?  He can be very moody at times.

Thanks awfully.  :-)

xxx

[#2]

Hello

I wonder if somebody could help me with their thoughts on this matter.

I work in a large firm and a colleague (who I consider a friend) has been seconded for  three days a week to another large firm. He's there for six months and is about two thirds of his way through his secondment but I know he is not too happy there and looking forward to coming back full-time with us.

Last thing on Friday he invited me out to have drinks with his seconded boss and his secondment colleagues. I said yes and thought it was nice for him to ask me.  I was really nervous to meet them all though.  I am shy when it comes to meeting new people for the first time and it did show a bit but I relaxed as time went on.

I met his secondment boss for the first time and had only just spoken to him for a short while and he was looking at the Internet on his phone and I said that I had a toy in my bag (my iPad) and that I would get that out.  The boss commented "Is that your vibrator then?" which I was really surprised that he said because I had only just met him and found it very inappropriate (the bosses where I work would never say anything like that to anybody - especially people they've only just met). I ignored him but noticed that his humour  always seemed to be talking about sex. 

Everything you said (and this is for everybody - not just me) he seemed to twist around to the same thing 'sex'.

He also went to order food from the bar and said that I looked like I liked my food.  Kind of, 'no stranger to a fish & chip supper?' type of comment, which I also found really offensive.

My friend (who has been seconded) is gay and he also called me a 'Fag Hag' and said that I was attracted to him (which I'm not - I just consider him to be a friend). His boyfriend turned up (who I know quite well) and whispered to me what I thought of the boss (which I said not much) and he commented that his humour was a bit 'obvious' and that he agreed with me.

Towards the end of the evening we all had had more to drink and I was sitting beside this boss and I said that he shouldn't say those sort of things to me because we'd only just met and he didn't know me and that it could cause offence if you don't know that person (I find it all a bit disrespectful). He said that he didn't care what people thought and that I must have real 'hang ups' about talking about that type of thing  I really do not.  I have a laugh about all sorts of things but only with people that I actually know.  What I noticed is that it seemed to go down like a lead-balloon.

Everybody was very silent and not saying anything and I realised it must have come across a bit controversial but I really did not mean to do this.

My gay friend did nothing to help. He agreed with the boss and then when it was suggested that he have a leaving do at his seconded firm he turned around to me and said 'You're not coming'!  I felt a bit hurt by that but not sure if he was just trying to impress the boss and keep out of trouble with him.

I am just wondering what people's thoughts are with this,

Was I right to say something and was my gay friend a bit disrespectful tome to say what he said too?

I am back at work tomorrow and wonder what the atmosphere will be like between my friend and myself?  He can be very moody at times.

Thanks awfully.  :-)

xxx

[#3]

Hi,

I think the man is a bit of a 'David Brent' if you ask me and what you said needed saying. In fact more people should be telling him. As it is the more he is surrounded by people who tell him it's ok to do and say what he does, the more he'll use that to excuse what he does.

He is most definitely in the wrong. The reason other people have supported him will be down to their own agenda, what they are hoping to get from him and not wanting to upset any applecarts especially if they've worked towards getting some kind of feedback, reward or positive report from him.

It was so revealing when he tried to make out it was you who had the problem. He must surely know he's out of step with how things should be handled. Not caring about what people think is no excuse for bad behaviour. He may dismiss other people's opinions but he ought to be able to think for himself and see that he's out of order in what he's saying.

I suspect he does it because by getting away with it, it shows how powerful he is. In his world he can be as obnoxious as he likes because people need what he can give them so they tolerate him and even seem to approve of his behaviour.

He may not offend everyone but I bet plenty are aware of what he's like and cringe inwardly while smiling at his 'jokes'.

I think you were right to speak out. It proved you weren't under his spell or in need of anything he could provide. You were free to speak, unlike so many others around him and so you did.

You gave him a chance to think about his actions and that's no bad thing.

Owly x

[#4]

Thank you so much Owly for your response.  Funnily enough the David Brent character did cross my mind.  Well, perhaps, I have given him food for thought, as you say, and (you never know) he might even think a bit more carefully before he says things in the future.

Thanks again for your views and response.  It's very much appreciated and a great help!  :-)

xxx

[#5]

Cheers for the reply. We all know what everyone thought of David Brent behind his back don't we.. lol

What a sad bloke. Both of em.

Hope things went well at work and with your friend.

Owly x

[#6]

They did thank you and we did have a laugh about the 'boss'!!  Funnily enough are code-name for him is 'David'!!!  ;-D

Thanks again!!!

xx