[#1]

(Thank you for reading, and sorry in advance if this is terribly long)

(I'm currently 27 and the man in question is 22....we met when I was 24...he lied about his age!)

I first met Tom at the beginning of 2009, we have a mutual friend and me and my sister ended up back at his house for a party. I'd just split up with my partner of 7 years (father of my little girl) and wasn't looking for anything at all. Back at said party, mutual friend fell asleep, and sister disappeared home, ending up with just me and Tom. We had a really nice time to say we'd never met before and talked for hours. I ended up staying over with him (not my finest hour!) The morning after I was mortified and ran home, with him shouting after me that I should stay for breakfast. After a few days I got his number off FB and text him just to say I'd had a nice time and sorry for running off. He said the same and we should see each other again, although neither of us wanted anything.

We didn't see each other again, and I didn't think much of it at all. Then August 2010, I started getting the bus from our local pub to football and he caught the same bus. There was something there that I couldn't explain. It was really awkward, but in a nice way. And we started talking by text again....just as friends. In October things started getting a bit flirty but then he got the opportunity to move to London (4 hours away) to work. He moved at the beginning of November, and he still kept texting, and on his first weekend back up to visit asked if he could come and see me and spend some time with me. He came over the following Friday and we were having a lovely night catching up, when my stupid ex turned up at my house with our little girl, and kicked off. Tom said he didn't want to get involved or hurt my ex so he walked away. Stopped texting and I didn't hear from him until the middle of December. I emailed him and apologised and he responded and said he was up at Christmas and we could meet up. By this time I'd got a lot of feelings for him so I agreed and we met up on New Years day evening (me being a but worse for wear) After that I kept my distance as I knew there could be something there but with him living so far away, i didn't want to tie him down.

We saw each other a few times in February and March,and then he arranged for me to go down to visit him for a weekend in April. We had it all planned we were going to see my favourite show Les Mis, and just have a full weekend together. (This is where things start to go wrong!) A week before I was due to go he text me, and cancelled saying he couldn't get the time off. I text back (I may have got mad) and said if he still had the tickets, if he dropped them at the hotel i'd meet up with my friend who i'd not seen for years. (I didn't specify male or female, was female, but i thought i'd keep him guessing) Anyway, the Friday came and i went down, and he text me asking if he could meet up with me on the Saturday evening....I agreed but said he'd have to meet my friend as well as we had arrangements. He met up with us the Saturday night, and i was quite 'cool' with him because i didn't know where i stood. We were all stood at the bar and he kept trying to stroke my hand and things. My friend then left us, and we went for a few more drinks then got a taxi back to the hotel, and had a lovely night. The day after i saw him at work and he said he'd see me the weekend after when he was coming back up north. (this didn't happen!) I next heard from him towards the end of May....he text and he said he was coming up and could he see me. He came round (by this time, i knew i was pregnant, apparently i got two gifts from london, a hangover and a baby!) We talked and i just couldn't find the words to tell him. I saw him the evening after and ended up blurting it out in the middle of the pub, we went back to mine and talked through it. He told me it was all just a bit of fun and he didn't want any of this. We talked and talked and kept talking through text for a few weeks. I told him i couldn't 'get rid' of the baby, and i understood if he didn't want to stand by me. I wouldn't force him. He could walk away etc. By the middle of July, he asked me out properly, said he wanted to take me on a proper date. So I started visiting London every two weeks, going out for meals, and shows. Just having a lovely time. When he was up north I saw him and it was just really nice. A few times he disappeared for a week or so, stopped texting and then would start again saying he'd been stressed and busy. September 30th, Noah was born early and survived for 1 minute and 43 seconds. He was the most perfect little boy i've ever seen, and i miss him everyday. I did everything on my own without Tom. He disappeared again for a week or so until i sent a snotty text to him. He eventually replied and said his mum was ill and he was worried about her. I tried to understand and took a back seat. I went again to see him the second week in October. He told me he loved me before we went to sleep. And then that was the last time I saw him. (It sounds awful, but when we saw each other, we were in our own world, it was so nice and gentle, and lovely) But nothing, no texts, phone calls. I saw him in town on Halloween and he left the pub when i walked in. I text him once or twice saying i would never understand but i hope him and his mum was ok.

Roll onto Christmas, i text and just said merry christmas (thank you if your still reading !) And then I text on New Years Day and my message just said-I may never speak to you again, but i hope you have a lovely year (he turns 23 and it's his lucky number) so there was reference to that. And i got no reply. So i was trying my best to move on. On the 7th Jan (this year) I saw him town, and i was out with a mutual friend. She didn't have much idea what had gone on between us, but i was drunk and blurted a bit of it out. She went up and asked if he was going to speak to me at all, and he said he wanted to but he didn't think i'd talk to him. He then came over and just looked me and said he left it too log and he didn't know what to say. He hated how he treated me, he wants me, he loves me, and we talked for hours. He cried and told me some personal things about him being low and considering suicide a few months ago. I supported him and we went back to my friends house.

Anyway....two weeks later.....no period! He was texting and we met up on Saturday. he slept at mine, and we talked, sober for once and he told me how deeply unhappy he'd been, how much he didn't understand why he treated me how he did etc etc. I asked him if he wanted to walk away and leave me to do this on my own, but i told him it would mean walking past me, and never talking to me again. (im the only one he trusts with personal stuff, he doesn't talk to anyone, yet i'm the one who he treats like shit) he said he wanted time to think about things and he'd let me know in a few days. It's now been nearly a week and i've had two mediocre texts not even mentioning anything. I love him so much, and i just want him to be happy. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm so worried about him. But i need him to be there for me too. Can anyone offer any advice please? I'm no pushover, i wouldn't be hanging around if i didn't think there was something there between us. I have never felt anything like it before in my life. I would do anything for him, even letting him walk away if that's what he needs.

Thank you

[#2]

(Thank you for reading, and sorry in advance if this is terribly long)

(I'm currently 27 and the man in question is 22....we met when I was 24...he lied about his age!)

I first met Tom at the beginning of 2009, we have a mutual friend and me and my sister ended up back at his house for a party. I'd just split up with my partner of 7 years (father of my little girl) and wasn't looking for anything at all. Back at said party, mutual friend fell asleep, and sister disappeared home, ending up with just me and Tom. We had a really nice time to say we'd never met before and talked for hours. I ended up staying over with him (not my finest hour!) The morning after I was mortified and ran home, with him shouting after me that I should stay for breakfast. After a few days I got his number off FB and text him just to say I'd had a nice time and sorry for running off. He said the same and we should see each other again, although neither of us wanted anything.

We didn't see each other again, and I didn't think much of it at all. Then August 2010, I started getting the bus from our local pub to football and he caught the same bus. There was something there that I couldn't explain. It was really awkward, but in a nice way. And we started talking by text again....just as friends. In October things started getting a bit flirty but then he got the opportunity to move to London (4 hours away) to work. He moved at the beginning of November, and he still kept texting, and on his first weekend back up to visit asked if he could come and see me and spend some time with me. He came over the following Friday and we were having a lovely night catching up, when my stupid ex turned up at my house with our little girl, and kicked off. Tom said he didn't want to get involved or hurt my ex so he walked away. Stopped texting and I didn't hear from him until the middle of December. I emailed him and apologised and he responded and said he was up at Christmas and we could meet up. By this time I'd got a lot of feelings for him so I agreed and we met up on New Years day evening (me being a but worse for wear) After that I kept my distance as I knew there could be something there but with him living so far away, i didn't want to tie him down.

We saw each other a few times in February and March,and then he arranged for me to go down to visit him for a weekend in April. We had it all planned we were going to see my favourite show Les Mis, and just have a full weekend together. (This is where things start to go wrong!) A week before I was due to go he text me, and cancelled saying he couldn't get the time off. I text back (I may have got mad) and said if he still had the tickets, if he dropped them at the hotel i'd meet up with my friend who i'd not seen for years. (I didn't specify male or female, was female, but i thought i'd keep him guessing) Anyway, the Friday came and i went down, and he text me asking if he could meet up with me on the Saturday evening....I agreed but said he'd have to meet my friend as well as we had arrangements. He met up with us the Saturday night, and i was quite 'cool' with him because i didn't know where i stood. We were all stood at the bar and he kept trying to stroke my hand and things. My friend then left us, and we went for a few more drinks then got a taxi back to the hotel, and had a lovely night. The day after i saw him at work and he said he'd see me the weekend after when he was coming back up north. (this didn't happen!) I next heard from him towards the end of May....he text and he said he was coming up and could he see me. He came round (by this time, i knew i was pregnant, apparently i got two gifts from london, a hangover and a baby!) We talked and i just couldn't find the words to tell him. I saw him the evening after and ended up blurting it out in the middle of the pub, we went back to mine and talked through it. He told me it was all just a bit of fun and he didn't want any of this. We talked and talked and kept talking through text for a few weeks. I told him i couldn't 'get rid' of the baby, and i understood if he didn't want to stand by me. I wouldn't force him. He could walk away etc. By the middle of July, he asked me out properly, said he wanted to take me on a proper date. So I started visiting London every two weeks, going out for meals, and shows. Just having a lovely time. When he was up north I saw him and it was just really nice. A few times he disappeared for a week or so, stopped texting and then would start again saying he'd been stressed and busy. September 30th, Noah was born early and survived for 1 minute and 43 seconds. He was the most perfect little boy i've ever seen, and i miss him everyday. I did everything on my own without Tom. He disappeared again for a week or so until i sent a snotty text to him. He eventually replied and said his mum was ill and he was worried about her. I tried to understand and took a back seat. I went again to see him the second week in October. He told me he loved me before we went to sleep. And then that was the last time I saw him. (It sounds awful, but when we saw each other, we were in our own world, it was so nice and gentle, and lovely) But nothing, no texts, phone calls. I saw him in town on Halloween and he left the pub when i walked in. I text him once or twice saying i would never understand but i hope him and his mum was ok.

Roll onto Christmas, i text and just said merry christmas (thank you if your still reading !) And then I text on New Years Day and my message just said-I may never speak to you again, but i hope you have a lovely year (he turns 23 and it's his lucky number) so there was reference to that. And i got no reply. So i was trying my best to move on. On the 7th Jan (this year) I saw him town, and i was out with a mutual friend. She didn't have much idea what had gone on between us, but i was drunk and blurted a bit of it out. She went up and asked if he was going to speak to me at all, and he said he wanted to but he didn't think i'd talk to him. He then came over and just looked me and said he left it too log and he didn't know what to say. He hated how he treated me, he wants me, he loves me, and we talked for hours. He cried and told me some personal things about him being low and considering suicide a few months ago. I supported him and we went back to my friends house.

Anyway....two weeks later.....no period! He was texting and we met up on Saturday. he slept at mine, and we talked, sober for once and he told me how deeply unhappy he'd been, how much he didn't understand why he treated me how he did etc etc. I asked him if he wanted to walk away and leave me to do this on my own, but i told him it would mean walking past me, and never talking to me again. (im the only one he trusts with personal stuff, he doesn't talk to anyone, yet i'm the one who he treats like shit) he said he wanted time to think about things and he'd let me know in a few days. It's now been nearly a week and i've had two mediocre texts not even mentioning anything. I love him so much, and i just want him to be happy. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm so worried about him. But i need him to be there for me too. Can anyone offer any advice please? I'm no pushover, i wouldn't be hanging around if i didn't think there was something there between us. I have never felt anything like it before in my life. I would do anything for him, even letting him walk away if that's what he needs.

Thank you

[#3]

Hi hun,

He sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants to be honest. To me you say right at the end of your post, that you need him there for you too, but he hasn't been cept when he's felt like it. Love is about give and take, what has he really given you apart from a few nights here and there? He wasn't there for you when you lost your baby when if he truely loved you he would've been. Perhaps he does love you in some way, but he sounds like he will be there one minute and off again the next when it suits and not care enough about the heartache he's causing you inbetween. Can you really live your life like that? You need some kind of commitment from him but sounds like he needs to deal with issues himself before getting involved with anyone. Would  he go counselling to deal with these issues of his and maybe you with him?  Perhaps relationship counselling? Least that would be some form of commitment and him moving on so he can drop his baggage and move on with you.

You say his mum was ill, totally understandable. But there's been too many excuses in my opinion. I think you need to decide whether to move on and find someone who would be there for you rather than in and out of your life when they feel like it.

Hope you work it out with him or move on. You deserve to be happy. But don't wait too long for him, else you could miss out on someone who deserves your love.

Sorry not much help, but feel your pain. xx

[#4]

Hi hun!

Thank you for posting... I have personally been in a similar position. I met someone who was with someone else, thought I could cope etc and that it wouldn't mean anything BUT then fell in love and put up with 18 months of torture for want of a better description.

I am now married with kids and never been happier, and it is with the person I went through hell for.

BUT, I know that I shouldn't have put myself through what I did and if I were to do it again I would have made him make a decision a couple of months down the line, not 18 months down the line.

In the end until 'I' told him that I had had enough and that he needed to make a decision one way or the other nothing changed and I think we would have all carried on that way forever.

We are so trusting when we are love and we allow people to treat us in a way we never usually would. I think you are doing this and it really sounds to me as if he is using you. He obviously has issues and it may be that he does love you but I think YOU need to put your foot down. For you, your daughter and your bump.

I am so sorry for your loss of Noah and so sorry that you had to do it alone.

If he is 'the one' for you things will work themselves out but I think its about time he did the chasing and showing you what you mean to him and not you.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, I didnt mean it to.

Hugs xx