[#1]

Hi all,

Haven't posted here in ages.. but needed a place to share my pain.

I am 25, have been in a relationship with a 43 yr old chap for over a year.. however yesterday he broke up with me over a drink..

Its complicated.. as he came from an unsuccessful marriage which isn't yet sorted in the way of divorce etc, he ex wife wants everything from him (literally).. he is busy sorting out his boat so he can take his daughter away from summer hols. He is also a workaholic.. and works long hours and enjoys doing so..

We met at work.. We are very different.. in different ideals.. and so would have laughed if anyone ever suggested that we get together however it did happen last year in April.. it was one of the best moments of my life - and I mean this deeply. He says I am one of the best things that has ever happened to him.

I have struggled recently trying to start up my business which has so far flopped - but its only been around 8 mnths.. but its created stress. I have also struggled psychologically so when I have been asked to meet his daughter have freaked at that - not because I don't want a long term future just because my head couldn't deal with it.

So its been busy in both of our lives and stressful. I had doubts of our relationship right from the beginning however we have such a comfortable relationship in the sense we love each completely - or did. I honestly thought I had met my life partner as it was everything I had wanted. He, although a workaholic, makes me happy - or did.

When we went for a drink yesterday .. the rapport between us had struggled recently however it was back betweek both of us. I loved being with him.. I honestly thought we were fine because I knew he loved me and I loved him.. I loved been with him.. and then we were discussing our relationship.. and he said he had come to the conclusion from my texts that I would be better off without him.. - primarily he was reading way too much into whatever I had said - I explained this. But in the end .. he said he would leave me as he honestly thinks that the best way forward. I disagree of course. I don't think it is necessarily about me or his long term effect, I think it is because he is confused as when I asked on the phone - after our drink out last night if there is anything I can do to change this - he said he didn't know - he genuinely sounded confused.. unsure what to do etc.. and for his own mind it is easier to end us.

He text me this morning and said he was sorry. I text back and said there is no need for sorry, its fine. It basically went down the line of i know I will regret this in the long term but its right for now..

He admits he does still love me and is in love with me. We miss each other terribly when we are away from each other.. and always have - literally. However this was his decision.. and I wouldn't ever force anything else. But I literally in pieces.. I feel I have lost my soul mate..  I know life carries on.. I need a new job to tide me over keep me busy.. keep busy with hobbies.. but I needed to vent this. I am going to miss him so much.

My mom thinks that he will change his mind - I have explained that this gives me false hope - which I can't cope with for obvious reasons.. I am not going to text him or call etc etc.. I am not going down the desperate route or anything as understand that this has little effect or even the opposite effect on chaps anyway however just feel so upset, in despair.. I love him so much.. it honestly felt like we were meant to be..

Sorry this is so long.. if anyone has read this would appreciate any thoughts, support etc. I know there are many people in pain right now.. but it doesn't help ; (

x

[#2]

Hi all,

Haven't posted here in ages.. but needed a place to share my pain.

I am 25, have been in a relationship with a 43 yr old chap for over a year.. however yesterday he broke up with me over a drink..

Its complicated.. as he came from an unsuccessful marriage which isn't yet sorted in the way of divorce etc, he ex wife wants everything from him (literally).. he is busy sorting out his boat so he can take his daughter away from summer hols. He is also a workaholic.. and works long hours and enjoys doing so..

We met at work.. We are very different.. in different ideals.. and so would have laughed if anyone ever suggested that we get together however it did happen last year in April.. it was one of the best moments of my life - and I mean this deeply. He says I am one of the best things that has ever happened to him.

I have struggled recently trying to start up my business which has so far flopped - but its only been around 8 mnths.. but its created stress. I have also struggled psychologically so when I have been asked to meet his daughter have freaked at that - not because I don't want a long term future just because my head couldn't deal with it.

So its been busy in both of our lives and stressful. I had doubts of our relationship right from the beginning however we have such a comfortable relationship in the sense we love each completely - or did. I honestly thought I had met my life partner as it was everything I had wanted. He, although a workaholic, makes me happy - or did.

When we went for a drink yesterday .. the rapport between us had struggled recently however it was back betweek both of us. I loved being with him.. I honestly thought we were fine because I knew he loved me and I loved him.. I loved been with him.. and then we were discussing our relationship.. and he said he had come to the conclusion from my texts that I would be better off without him.. - primarily he was reading way too much into whatever I had said - I explained this. But in the end .. he said he would leave me as he honestly thinks that the best way forward. I disagree of course. I don't think it is necessarily about me or his long term effect, I think it is because he is confused as when I asked on the phone - after our drink out last night if there is anything I can do to change this - he said he didn't know - he genuinely sounded confused.. unsure what to do etc.. and for his own mind it is easier to end us.

He text me this morning and said he was sorry. I text back and said there is no need for sorry, its fine. It basically went down the line of i know I will regret this in the long term but its right for now..

He admits he does still love me and is in love with me. We miss each other terribly when we are away from each other.. and always have - literally. However this was his decision.. and I wouldn't ever force anything else. But I literally in pieces.. I feel I have lost my soul mate..  I know life carries on.. I need a new job to tide me over keep me busy.. keep busy with hobbies.. but I needed to vent this. I am going to miss him so much.

My mom thinks that he will change his mind - I have explained that this gives me false hope - which I can't cope with for obvious reasons.. I am not going to text him or call etc etc.. I am not going down the desperate route or anything as understand that this has little effect or even the opposite effect on chaps anyway however just feel so upset, in despair.. I love him so much.. it honestly felt like we were meant to be..

Sorry this is so long.. if anyone has read this would appreciate any thoughts, support etc. I know there are many people in pain right now.. but it doesn't help ; (

x

[#3]

He tells me he needs to focus on his daughter right now as he is currently going through a messy divorce..

I don't understand any of this.. all I know is that I miss him, I want to be with him that I love him.. what the hell am I going to do now : ( I feel so heartbroken I really cannot see a glimmer of hope in the long term.

I left a message on his answerphone (as I knew he would be out so I could leave a message).. that if he ever needed someone to talk to in the long term that I would always be there for him - soppy or what.

He has left me with no hope, nothing. I feel at the lowest I have ever felt.

[#4]

Hello Fluff, I know it was a month ago that you posted. I've just seen your messages and wondered how things were progressing. Has he stuck with his decision or are you back together, or are you coping better with the situation? I wished I'd seen your message earlier as I would have responded. Owly x

[#5]

Hi Owly!
Thanks forthe message!

He has stuck with his decision.. he came around about a week ago to drop off something of mine.. It was a really confusing situation because although he knows that I still want him back.. when I started to cry he hugged me very tightly, he hugged me several times, said he hated to see me upset, he then kissed on the lips but I quickly pulled away and said you shouldn't have done that.. But our conversation went on, my tears kept following and he kept hugging me, everytime he did he kissed me somewhere! On the neck, on my head on my shoulder... he gripped my hands so tightly.. neither of us wanted him to go.. he had to because of a meeting but both of us where just happy there at that point. He said it had been good to see me and really good to talk to me. This confused the whole situation completely... and I broke down majorly again following this.. I literally was heart broken again but its been a week now so a bit better. After he had come round the other day I sent him a quick email regarding the fact that I did love his daughter etc etc and although I had messed up on that Sunday not to spread rumours that it was because I didn't like his little girl because that would be unfair, so I also asked.. calmly .. is there any chance for us again in the future... he came back with... "with where I am at, at the moment, I have to say no to be fair" to which he then went onto wish me well etc and that he hadn't cooked our signature dish since we split! and that he had thought about cooking it and bringing it round and considering there is 30 miles distance between us that would be a bit mad! I just didn't email back at this point because all of the messages he is sending me - whether in person or via email etc are very confused.. and I really don't understand why we are not together. Would be good to have your opinion on the matter Owly : ) x

[#6]

Hi Fluff,

It doesn't sound like he's fully into breaking up with you at all. It does sound like he's got a lot on his plate. What I would suggest is being open and cutting to the heart of it all and telling him that you know he's going through a difficult time and needs some space but that it's obvious you both have strong feelings for each other and that there is still a spark of attraction between you so you would like to know if he would be agreeable to you both just considering this as a temporary separation until his divorce is sorted out because you would like to be there for him. That this would be your decision to wait and see him occasionally without any pressure on either side. Just enjoying each other's company until such time as his situation improved.

Privately you'd have to watch that if he agreed to this you weren't made use of or taken advantage of so you could slow things down from your side of things. I mean so that he doesn't misconstrue your offer as no strings sex. So if you could do it it would be best not to sleep with him until after he had decided to return to you properly.

It might be as hard to have this kind of arrangement as it would be to completely split up, I don't know how you'd feel about it but I always think that where there are feelings on both sides, having the door ajar means it is more easily returned through at a later date. If you think this would just be prolonging the agony then I'd completely understand you shutting and locking that door for your own sanity.

At the moment he's calling all the shots, making the decisions and it's so stressful when we are affected by the decisions of someone else and we feel we have no control or input. So if you could take back some control , even from just knowing where you stand as a result of your own actions you should find your stress reduces. It'd be a relief of sorts even if the result wasn't what your heart wants.

Owly x

[#7]

Thanks Owly : ) for the advice..

I think for my own sanity I have to just let him sort his life out and see how he feels after its all completed.. as I don't think he would agree to seeing this as a temporary situation.. I think perhaps it might be a case that its over... but perhaps a new relationship could flourish at a later date. His thoughts are basically that if its meant to be that it would sort itself out and we would get back together.. which is a frustrating approach as I believe we determine our own fate... however its the one event of me letting daughter down which changed everything however when I asked him if that day hadn't happened - if we would still have broken up he said yes he thought it would have been likely so perhaps it is just the stress of everything on him.. the fact that his ex wife might be looking to move 400 miles up the country and take his daughter with her will also be stressing him out. Perhaps it was just a case that this would always have happened as divorces are never easy and i can't imagine the effect it must have. He has got tons on his plate right now.. but I also have to sort my own life out.. new beginnings, new job etc and perhaps one day our hearts will find each other again...

Thank you very much for being their Owly : ) I truly appreciate it

x

[#8]

Hi Fluff,

I like his way of thinking that if it's meant to be that it would sort itself out. I am a strong believer that when something is meant for you absolutely nothing will be allowed to prevent it happening. I do believe that it would be easier if there was some involvement in proceedings by one or the other of you but I do believe that it will happen anyway eventually if it is meant to be something you both need to experience.

Some people need to give everything up to find out how important it all was.

He certainly has got tons on his plate by the sound of things but you are spot on about you having to concentrate on your own life with your own fresh start.

I believe that where there is unfinished business of the heart and each knows the other exists in the world, that they will find each other again. The heart never forgets.

I really hope that it will all work out for the best for you both.

Owly x