Hi Alicol,
It sounds to me as if he's written himself off as if he knows he's been damaged and doesn't believe it's possible now for him to have a relationship but.... he doesn't seem to want to end things as he wants it to happen while he's away. That is interesting. You have to wonder why he can't end the relationship, probably it's because he does still love you but is torn between his feelings, what he wants and what he expects to get.
I don't think he sees himself as a good prospect for someone he cares for. He really should let you decide for yourself.
What I would advise is not talking about everything, not dredging everything up and to behave and act as his girlfriend. Don't make any big issues about things but to slot yourself into the position of his loved and loving girlfriend. I don't think he will object seeing as he has said he loves you and hasn't been able to end things.
So try to disregard the negative things he has said or may say, and continue to be his girlfriend.
Don't have or instigate heavy conversations even though you may want to know where you stand. We women do like to talk things out to the nth degree whereas men will just opt for a simple life. If he's happy with you by his side and in his life then assume the position. No need to analyse everything or seek reassurance.
Leave all that alone because if you ask him to talk you won't get to hear what you're after. So let it go and be his girlfriend and allow time to heal and to show him that being with someone can work and you are different. You can't rush some things and talking or explaining that you're different won't make any difference. You just have to live each day as his girlfriend and time will take care of everything else.
Owly x
Hi,
What you could say if he brings the subject up is that you'd like to know if you resemble his past partners, if you have the same personality because if you are different especially if you are totally different then what makes him believe that you would treat him the same as his previous partner or partners.
I mean when you actually think about it you and his ex were brought up by different people, possibly had different friends, definitely different brothers and sisters, different jobs maybe, like different things in food movies etc, have different values, been to different places, met different people etc so there is quite a lot about you that is different.
You could say "You're entitled to feel the way you do, it's understandable that you do, you know my thoughts on it and besides if I agreed with yoiu then we'd both be wrong so lets get on with (whatever you'd been doing) and to give time a chance to prove how different things can be". 
Lighten the mood, don't get sucked into anything heavy.
Owly x
Hi Ali,
A lot of women go a bit off the rails after a divorce. It's not something that they should be judged for. It seems to be some kind of testing of freedom, like a pendulum that's been held over one side being released it swings too far the other way until it settles and finds where it's meant to be.
I think it's possibly to do with finding the right level of self esteem because this can be damaged after a marriage break up or a bad ending to a marriage or a bad marriage. With low self esteem there is an acceptance of any male who shows an interest and when the self esteem has been increased, standards rise.
This is why everyone tells people that they need to get over a break up before embarking on their next relationship because they need time to heal. They get told that you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
Your guy's biggest problem is himself. I find it quite insulting that he would say you 'latched onto him'. It doesn't say much for his respect of you. Still time would show him that there was more to the relationship than he seems to believe. I wouldn't mention anything and just go along as his girlfriend for as long as you are happy with him.
If you're happy with him in ten years time his arguments will have grown a bit pathetic.
Owly x
Hi Ali,
I knew something was bugging me and last night after I'd gone to bed it hit me. Your bf is going around accepting the fact that his past relationships caused him great pain so much so that they are possibly affecting his relationship with you and yet he's judged you for how the ending of a past relationship (your marriage) made you feel, react and behave.
The only connection that I can see is that because he doesn't see how he can change he doesn't think you can either.
In which case he must still believe that you are continuing to be affected by your divorce.
It would appear he is in denial that healing from pain is possible. His opinion of his own ability would therefore seem to be limited by his belief.
If he continues to judge the innocent for 'crimes' committed by others then he is going to go round in circles. When you think about it, if in real life innocent people were made to pay a price for something committed by others quite a few of the innocent would start to think they may as well commit the crime if they are already paying for it. So in the controller's eyes it justifies making them pay because to his way of thinking 'it proves that everyone is the same and always will be' and that they were right all along.
In another way putting this kind of pressure on someone in condeming them ahead of any event by speaking of expected outcomes is a way of trying to control that it won't happen because A. it gets the person to constantly reassure them and B. makes them endeavour to prove their loyalty by staying with the partner longer than they may have done.
Owly x
Hi Ali,
I think you could be the one to show him that his expectations and judgements are flawed. It does put a lot on you though having to prove yourself one way or another but hopefully it won't feel too bad if you're enjoying spending time with him and can still continue to consider yourself as his girlfriend.
Take what he says with a pinch of salt unless he ever says he doesn't love you as in my experience this is hard to say if someone does so those words make a difference to the outcome but if he's saying he loves you then no matter what else he says you can afford to pretty much down play it and just get on with your life wth him.
Good luck.
Owly x
