[#1]

Anyone have any advice about playing second fiddle to someone else in your partners life?

I'm finding it hard to come second to everything his female best friend does/wants/needs.

It makes me irate and I don't know what to do. I'm not going to finish with him over it but I need ways to cope with it over the rest of my life, so i don't go insane and kill either her or him.

[#2]

Anyone have any advice about playing second fiddle to someone else in your partners life?

I'm finding it hard to come second to everything his female best friend does/wants/needs.

It makes me irate and I don't know what to do. I'm not going to finish with him over it but I need ways to cope with it over the rest of my life, so i don't go insane and kill either her or him.

[#3]

Lol

[#4]

My ex couldn't cope with me having a male friend. I made many sacrifices to please him but I was never ever going to turn my back on someone who I've been friends with for years, male or female.

I would suggest that you get involved in helping him help his female friend so that you feel less alienated and resentful which can easily happen. Also you'd then get to know her better and possibly be more in control of when you both left to do something on your own without his friend around.

Also it will give you a sense of control over the situation which will reduce your stress.

If he's doing loads for her then it could be because it is a way of him feeling good about himself for what he does or can do to make a difference to someone he respects.

Don't get angry if you can help it and try not to show it to him if you do. Let it out in other ways.

Owly x

[#5]

Thanks Owly,

he has a few other female friends, and I don't have a problem with this. He meets up with them for drinks and so on.

My problem with her is the way she has alienated me, and in the beginning was very rude to me. I was hoping to be friends with her, but she has made it very clear that she doesn't like me. It's like she can't understand why he is with me, and she thinks he can do better.

She even admitted that she misses having him all to herself. I don't mind to be honest, I would rather just let them get on with it.

It's more him that I have the problem with though, as when she was nasty to me, he literally was blind to it. This really hurt me, as I felt that her feelings were more important to him than mine....

I have made the effort to go to several events that she wanted to go to that really weren't my cup of tea but I went anyway to please him. There is no effort made on her part. I just feel like I'm being made a fool of, she is laughing at me because she knows she has more of a hold over my man than I do!! And she loves the fact that he will always stick up for her and do what she wants to do over me.

I cannot say absolutely anything bad about her, as in the past he has screamed at me and called me names for so much as making a simple remark about her.

[#6]

Just to add that I am not a jealous person Owly, I would never ask him to sacrifice his female friends because i can't 'cope' with it, but yes i need to feel in control becaus ei just feel like no matter what i say or do, it won't matter because what she says or does is mroe important.

Maybe it does make him feel good, and i would never stand in the way of his happiness - save to saacrifice mine if he is making me feel bad, which he is doing.

[#7]

Feeling your pain if you want to PM me! Not like their male mates are they far too much input and influence.....

[#8]

I know you say you don't want to break up with him, but I think it's important in every relationship to have boundaries and to be able to discuss what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour. Even if someone is a very important friend, screaming and calling you names for something you said about her isn't acceptable behaviour and if someone in his life is rude and hurts you, you have a right at least to discuss it. I agree the problem is with him - unless a partner is abusive, I accept the partners of my friends and family & expect the same in return. They don't have to love them, but if they were rude or unwelcoming I would be stepping in and trying to sort it out. Why doesn't he want two of the most important women in his life to get on?

I don't know how long you have been together, whether you live together etc. There has to be a cut-off point when actually you as his partner deserve more respect. If any behaviour is deeply upsetting to you and your partner won't even discuss it, then I think you have to look at the relationship overall.

[#9]

That changes things, if she is alienating you, wanting him to herself and being nasty to you. She obviously fancies him and is settling for being friends in the hope it will end up as something more.

My male friend thought I could do better than the guy I was with but he never ever put him down or tried to put me off him.

It would have been extremely hurtful for your bf to ignore the fact that his friend was being horrible to you. He ought to have had a word with his friend to tell her to behave herself. He could easily have done that unless he is afraid of upsetting her.

Does she know something that he is afraid she'll reveal or has she threatened or attempted suicide so that he's on egg shells to keep her happy ?

If he's not careful the only person he'll end up with as a partner is someone pliable and able to be manipulated by his friend. In effect it would be his friend choosing his partners and that's just ridiculously weak on his part.

If he's that bad that he's going over the top in protecting her then there is obviously something there that you haven't been told about. He is overly protective and there will be a reason for that.

Do you suspect that he is attracted to her and hasn't accepted the fact ?

Owly x

[#10]

It is important to be or to feel in control of what is affecting you. I have seen situations where someone from the past seemed to be more important than the person they were with in the present but time fixed that as the longer they were together as a couple the length of each kind of balanced out more as the partner knew as much about the person as the previous person had and they also shared more of the present that the previous person couldn't.

If you want to continue with the relationship then you could try making your times together really great but I am thinking this is going to end up draining you and is it going to be worth it ? I mean is he really worth the effort ?
Owly x

[#11]

Thanks guys. Well to be honest the worst is over, as in she is no longer rude to me because after the initial few times, and him not believing me or choosing to not do anything about it - i finished with him over it. This was two years ago. Obviously we got back together and we didn't see her or her family for a year. The next time I saw her she was nice as pie to me.

Since then, we have still gone to a festival and a big night out (both what she wanted) even though i wasn't happy. I made the sacrifice and went anyway because he wanted to go. needless to say i hated both of these things and was very unhappy. I tried to put on a brave face, even though he seemed like he didn't really want me there.

I do suspect that there is an attraction there, on both parts. She has two small children with her fiance though, as well as a teenager from a previous relationship. Her fiance is my DP's good friend and so neither or them are going to want to do anything official about their attraction for at least a few years.

Also we now have a baby on the way. I just dread her getting involved with the baby and she is going to love me being fat and being able to go out partying with him while i'm stuck at home

I don't know if any of this is my paranoia. Maybe they are just friends. I can still tell she doesn't like me and the fact that she is about 10 yrs older than me, gives her a bit of wisdom over me. He is also 10 yrs older than me.

I can't finish with him on the basis that there may or may not be some attraction between him and her. It is a ridiculous assumption to end a relationship and break up a family over.

So I am gonna have to just deal with it i guess. Any ideas to give me strengh and credibility would be appreciated

Thanks again xxx