[#1]

Still feeling generally uneasy with everything. Think anxiety is coming back again but not sure why, day in day out it feels like my heart has been put in a small box and can't quite move enough, feels very restricted.

Have been thinking about my parents a lot too, not just how things are now but how they always have been since I was little. For a long time I have wanted to cut off contact with my mother as she offers nothing positive to my life at all and even her best friend has advised me to keep her away from me otherwise she will ruin my life. The main reason that I have not yet disowned her is due to my dad and not wanting to lose him too (although we rarely speak anyway) but after recent events with him I am less concerned about that now.

I have started googling a few things related to cutting contact with family, the effects it has on people, the pros/cons etc to see if it is something I could/should do and came across a couple of articles on post traumatic stress disorder. I was surprised to identify with quite a few of the 'criteria' such as flash backs and nightmares (I grew up with a rather violent surrounding - mostly seeing my mum's bf beating her etc but she would sometimes aim it towards me too, had a chair thrown at me whilst off school sick and once punched in the face at a fairground because I did not want to go on a rollercoaster). I had not considered these things to have actually bothered me though at the time as was used to it but I have notieced that memories like these do creep into my mind pretty often even though they happened 15-20 years ago.

On one of the articles there was a link to a professionally recognised PTSD questionnaire, so I did it out of curiosity and was surprised to find that I had a high rating, indicating that I do suffer from PTDS. Although it would explain why I still think about my childhood and feel so uneasy around my own parents.

If the test result was accurate, then my mother seems to have done more damage than I was initially aware of and is fuelling my desire not to have anymore contact with family. I am still worried about hurting them as I know that they do love me and care etc but just do not show it in the correct way. I find that I dread the idea of speaking to mum, and when I see her number come up on my caller ID I instantly get anxious and half the time do not pick up as I can't bear to talk to her.

Don't know what to do? How do you go about disowning your family without causing a massive fight?

GF X

[#2]

Still feeling generally uneasy with everything. Think anxiety is coming back again but not sure why, day in day out it feels like my heart has been put in a small box and can't quite move enough, feels very restricted.

Have been thinking about my parents a lot too, not just how things are now but how they always have been since I was little. For a long time I have wanted to cut off contact with my mother as she offers nothing positive to my life at all and even her best friend has advised me to keep her away from me otherwise she will ruin my life. The main reason that I have not yet disowned her is due to my dad and not wanting to lose him too (although we rarely speak anyway) but after recent events with him I am less concerned about that now.

I have started googling a few things related to cutting contact with family, the effects it has on people, the pros/cons etc to see if it is something I could/should do and came across a couple of articles on post traumatic stress disorder. I was surprised to identify with quite a few of the 'criteria' such as flash backs and nightmares (I grew up with a rather violent surrounding - mostly seeing my mum's bf beating her etc but she would sometimes aim it towards me too, had a chair thrown at me whilst off school sick and once punched in the face at a fairground because I did not want to go on a rollercoaster). I had not considered these things to have actually bothered me though at the time as was used to it but I have notieced that memories like these do creep into my mind pretty often even though they happened 15-20 years ago.

On one of the articles there was a link to a professionally recognised PTSD questionnaire, so I did it out of curiosity and was surprised to find that I had a high rating, indicating that I do suffer from PTDS. Although it would explain why I still think about my childhood and feel so uneasy around my own parents.

If the test result was accurate, then my mother seems to have done more damage than I was initially aware of and is fuelling my desire not to have anymore contact with family. I am still worried about hurting them as I know that they do love me and care etc but just do not show it in the correct way. I find that I dread the idea of speaking to mum, and when I see her number come up on my caller ID I instantly get anxious and half the time do not pick up as I can't bear to talk to her.

Don't know what to do? How do you go about disowning your family without causing a massive fight?

GF X

[#3]

On the PTSD, the only way you are really going to find out is by being properly investigated and diagnosed by a GP or medical specialist.  Self diagnosis, even using reliable tests on the internet is never the best way. You don't like the idea of speaking to your GP about psychological conditions though do you?

As far as trying to break away from your parents, you may well find you could cope better if you were on medication. Counselling of course is the other major option, both for PTSD or for traumatic life issues including family relationships. Have you considered CBT (Cognative Behaviour Therapy) ?

Sorry if my comments come over as unsympathetic, they are not meant to be.

hugs and muffins

Tabbs

"been there, done that , got the t-shirt!"

[#4]

Hi Tabbs,

No you didn't come across as unsympathetic don't worry! Your'e right in that I don't like to go to doctors, but I have done moodgym with uses CBT techniques. I have found it helps my interpretation of things but I think in this case I need to properly remove the problem not just learn to interpret things differently. My mother really does cause more trouble than she is worth even though we hardly see each other. I decided to post on another board about the things she does that get to me to most in the hope that others with simillar experiences may have advice I could use perhaps. 

I think if I have any chance of improving my life I need to remove the negative things from it, I don't want to hide behind medication as it does not tackle the true issues.

GF X

[#5]

Hugs GF.  I hope that you are able to find a solution that works the best way possible for you. They say we are free to choose our friends but not fsmily. And just because people are family doesn't mean things will be good for us, unfortunately. Sorry, that's a bit garbled so I hope you understand what I mean. It is so sad that your mom doesn't give you the love and support you need.

Gentle hugs

Jillxx

[#6]

Hi GF, I saw the other post you did and that helped me get a bit more perspective on your experiences. To be honest petal I really think you are right in wanting to break away from family.

It needn't be a huge "never going to contact you again". Distance yourself a bit more - OK a lot more! - and see how you cope. You are the one that matters most in this.

Are you absolutely sure you don't want medication though? Modern ADs certainly don't mask the problems, just give you a bit of breathing space to help you cope better. They actually work by balancing the chemicals in the body. Not nagging though, I hate having to see my GP.

hugs and muffins

Tabbs

"been there, done that , got the t-shirt!"

[#7]

I don't know much about PTSD unfortunately but I can sympathise with the family problems. I too grew up in a violent household - my Dad beat us and my Mum never protected us. She used to put me down and together they destroyed my confidence completely. My Mum would be kind and loving to some of my brothers and sisters but generally never me. I still don't know why and I've spent my whole life trying to do all I can to please her and make her love me. It's never worked.

If you need to distance yourself from your parents then don't feel guilty about it. Until recently I pretended that all the horrible things from my childhood hadn't happened. I told myself my childhood was just fine - after all, people have gone through much worse and come out relatively unscathed - and that it hadn't affected my adult life at all. It's only recently when I started counselling that my eyes were opened as to how much the events of my childhood had scarred me. As we never had discussions, just violent arguments, I find it really hard to express my emotions and be assertive. I have no confidence in myself, am my own worse critic yet strive to be perfect. I find it really hard to trust and open up to people and form relationships - this has especially affected my relationships with me. I'm insecure and don't believe they genuinely love me.

I've realised that I need to distance myself from my family so I can start the healing process and they just make things worse. I think that just trying to distance yourself further and further little by little is better than saying: "right, I'm disowning you and never going to speak to you again." You never know, maybe distance will make them realise how important you are but at the very least you should be able to more positively deal with your problems away from all the stress. You have to put yourself first in this situation.

K x

[#8]

Well I only see her once a year anyway (usually just before or after christmas) but really would prefer if I didn't have to go back more than once every 3 years that would suit me fine but I know that would not go down well at all. Not really sure how I can distance myself without causing problems. I don't want to seem ungrateful to them at all, they have given me a lot of money over the years and I know that even mum does care about me but just makes my life miserable when I see her.

GF X

[#9]

Hi,

I completely understand what you mean about pretending that your childhood was fine, I have only recently realised that I have done this too. I have been told that I can come across as intimidating so think I have gone the opposite way to you - although in my house, unless you shouted you wern't even heard so I had to quite loud and assertive in order to defend myself against my mother's words, mabye I was fighting fire with fire though which is not good.

How did you manage to distance yourself from them then? Are you still in contact at all or did you just leave and not come back?

GF X