[#1]

Hi everyone,

I'm a newbie to this board and really hoping that I can find out alot about myself through using this board.

I have been with my partner almost 4 years and we have a 2yr old daughter. I'm not entirely happy in life but that's for another board lol.

To cut a long story short, we had our life planned out and our daughter was planned to perfection and even came on her due date. We planned to have at least 3 more with 2 year gaps but unfortunately due to complications after my pregnancy, I am now sitting at home everyday on medication trying to get myself back to what was once a fun loving me.

I feel so depressed and don't even want my OH anywhere near me.

A few times we spoke about trying for baby number 2 regardless of what was going on, we'll cope etc etc but he is so much more sensible than me at times and always thinks straight wheras my judgement gets clouded when I really want something or i'm angry, upset etc...

Having sex was not a problem if we were trying to make babies,it made me happy as I was working toward getting that family that we spoke of but just having sex to have sex... not interested.

I feel so bad for my partner who has tried everything with me and even when I give in, it's all pretence. I feel awful and have no interest in sex what so ever!!!!!

Any advice would be much appreciated 

[#2]

Hi everyone,

I'm a newbie to this board and really hoping that I can find out alot about myself through using this board.

I have been with my partner almost 4 years and we have a 2yr old daughter. I'm not entirely happy in life but that's for another board lol.

To cut a long story short, we had our life planned out and our daughter was planned to perfection and even came on her due date. We planned to have at least 3 more with 2 year gaps but unfortunately due to complications after my pregnancy, I am now sitting at home everyday on medication trying to get myself back to what was once a fun loving me.

I feel so depressed and don't even want my OH anywhere near me.

A few times we spoke about trying for baby number 2 regardless of what was going on, we'll cope etc etc but he is so much more sensible than me at times and always thinks straight wheras my judgement gets clouded when I really want something or i'm angry, upset etc...

Having sex was not a problem if we were trying to make babies,it made me happy as I was working toward getting that family that we spoke of but just having sex to have sex... not interested.

I feel so bad for my partner who has tried everything with me and even when I give in, it's all pretence. I feel awful and have no interest in sex what so ever!!!!!

Any advice would be much appreciated 

[#3]

Hi mom_unique and welcome,

Being a fella, I cannot empathise with you, but can perhaps give an outsiders point of view.

There appear to be several things in your life that need sorting out, but which are not insurmountable. First of all you need to nail down what it is that you are not entirely happy with, and if neccessary get professional help with. Many things in life are interlocked, and I suspect the depression problem you are on medication for is possibly baby blues, sorry if I am wrong. I would say that has gone on too long without further help from your GP. If you have physical problems because of your pregnancy, have you not had medical help offered?

How owuld you describe your attitude to sex over all your adult life? You are not married so has that had repercussions with your family and or religious beliefs? Were you brought up with the idea that sex was not to enjoyed, but just to produce family? I ask that because of your very organised planning for children.

You have not said apart from your depression, why you are not interested in sex, so are you not turned on just a little thinking about your handsome partner? I think along with the other problems you have, you could benefit from sex counselling, have you thought of that?

I would suggest you forget about babies for now, and set your mind to enjoying sex with your lovely man. There is a great deal of joy in that for you both, and will help to build your confidence when you see how happy you make him in a way no one else can.

Hope that helps a bit.

Mm

[#4]

Hi mom_unique,

Mm has given you some really good advice and given you some really good questions to think about so theres not much else I can say but have you been over to the depression support board?
http://forums.ivillage.co.uk/t5/General-Discussions/bd-p/iv-ukhlcwd-1

Everyone there is very lovely and incredibly supportive and I recommend you take a look if you haven't already I don't well to dwell on your depression here but it can seriously affect your libido. I find it very hard to be intimate with my DF have I'm suffering so I think that's something that needs sorting for you. Have you spoken to your partner about the way you feel? Think about the things Mm has said to you as I think the answers to those are the key to helping your sex life

I hope to see you on the depression support board soon hun.

Tamz xx

[#5]

Hi Midman

Apologies for the delay in my response.

After reading your response, I somehow can't help but think that I have made my situation seem worse than it is

I am the worst person to talk or to write when I am upset as I'm just so upset/frustrated and nothing makes sense!

I am on medication due to complications after my pregnancy and was told by my doctor that I wasn't depressed so I have done nothing about that.

I did grow up in a house hold where sex was not dared discussed so I do think that has alot to do with how I am and I was aslo treated very badley in the past by exes so feel like i am being used instead of loved.

I did manage to instigate sex the morning after I wrote my post. That's a start I suppose but would just love to crave it and feel amazing during. I think then, I'd feel normal.

Thank you again so much for your reply. 

[#6]

This little message shows just how positive you can actually be, well done!

At the moment, you are sat on your bum so to speak, so from thgis position there is no way you can make a sprint start. However, you have sat up and said, "I can run like that with some effort", but training is the key. In this case the training consists of being positive, working at it as you have begun, asking very sexual questions on here or by looking in books where you think you lack knowledge, and enjoying every little pleasure that occurs for you both. If sex was never discussed when you were growing up, you may feel you lack some information and the pleasure feelings yoou would otherwise have learned.

You cannot crave something you know little about, so do some learning about him and yourself, and do not be put off by enjoying your feelings. The more you experiment and practice, the more the craving will grow just for him.

Mm

[#7]

Thank you so much! We did IT again this morning....TWICE!!!! Feel like I am slowly getting there with the support from this group and learning from different issues that are being posted.
Looking forward to later....

mom_unique

[#8]

Thank  you so much, I will check out the board for the link you have posted for me but like Midman said, I only feel depressed when things aren't going right for me and as soon as i stand up and shake off how I feel, I start to feel positive again.

I was so upset when my Doctor practically laughed at me and told me I wasn't depressed, I was just going through a rough patch. It took a lot of courage to go to him in the first place and I left feeling worse but my new Doctor is completely the opposite and I haven't even had to mention depression as I just feel like if I got certain things sorted within my life, I'd be the happiest person on the planet.

I try not to use the term "depressed" so loosely now as I know of family/friends and since coming on here, yourself, that have actually suffered with this condition. I take my hat off to you for doing something about it

I think my biggest upset at the moment is my weight. I have always been a size 8/10, been able to eat what I like, wear what I like kind of girl. Since having my daughter 2 years ago, my weight just wont go back to normal, I'm always asked if i'm expecting again and that really upsets me, even though I smile and say "no, I'm just fat"

I think I will definitely have to find a board to discuss this issue as I feel that just because I can't stand to look at myself, my partner can't and that really upsets him as he loves me so much and is forever telling me and showing me more to the point.

I WILL lose weight and have a GREAT sex life!!!!!

mom_unique

[#9]

Head coming up nicely here! Keep up the good work.

Mm

[#10]

Hi

I could have written this about 8 yrs ago i had PND so not exact same as you. I feel your sadness but there is more than 1 issue here

The first one is self esteem you have none by sounds of things i didnt after PND and giving birth everyday do some things just for you to make yourself feel good whether it be paint your toes or put on make up or go for a walk whatever it is do it because you deserve it xxx

Second the sex thing dont ever do anything you dont feel in your heart you will make the situation far worst by faking enjoyment your poor fella thinks he doing all right things and will build expectations tell him exactly how you feel and tackle it together. I found sex after my youngest very strange as id given birth he had seen it etc but 2 years on our sex life better than ever i always think intimacy is deeper than sex communication is sexy let him in and share and then he can help. Do you pleasure yourself? after a baby our bodies change and we see wobbly tum and possibly stretch marks etc men are blinded to these things my DP loves my body i hate my bum its his fav bit of me just because your body has changed its not necessarily for the worst. I would suggest you talk and voice how you feel if you got pregnant right now you would highly likely get depression as you sound depressed already dont be so hard on yourself

You refer to finding you your in there somewhere why not try doing some of the things you used to do and enjoy? this may seem a bit strange but after children your sexual desires do change do you ever masturbate to find what you like? at first if you dont feel comfy do it under blanket but once you find what you like teach him you need to recapture what it is that does it for you non baby making sex is about being selfish not about making another life but making a connection with your partner could try massage or just cuddling in bed reading fantasy novels anything that gets your sexual attention

I wish you loads of luck and hope you find a way forward