[#1]

My BF (46) & I (44) have been togther for about 6 years - in the first 3 years, we split up numerous times but eventually got back together and have stayed together very happily and even got engaged a couple of months ago.  We have been talking about living together for a long time and him moving in with me. Unfortunately, he needs to sell his house (which is in a sh** state and needs quite a lot of expensive work done on it) before he can do that. He has not exactly rushed to get this done - like many things, it is always on the To Do List but he is no closer to being able to sell up than when we first talked about this a couple of years ago.

He went out with an old mate last night and I was meant to be coming to stay with him for the Bank Holiday weekend from this afternoon - the first time I had been able to have any decent length of time with him in weeks as we both have difficult and stressful jobs, I have  two children from a precious relationship who are only away alternate weeks, plus he'd been ill.  I spent all day, waiting for him to call to say he was up & about (I fully expected him to have made a proper 'night' of it on the ale and a jolly good hungover lie-in first). Just before he headed off out yesterday, I had suffered a major car breakdown and had been warned it could cost a lot to repair. I texted him today to say it was likely to be almost £3k to fix and got no reply.

Late afternoon - I got a text saying he was still in London havng stayed at a party with some people he'd met.  He then phoned and I was so angry at him not having phoned earlier, when, had I known he was not going to be back, I could have done a lot of jobs instead of assuming I'd be going out, that I had a go and told him I wasn't going to bother coming over.  I was also fuming that he had bu**ered up our first weekend together in ages AND hadn't had the decency to contact me just for a bit of emotional support about the car news.

I have never had any issues with him going out independently, in fact I urge him to go on the lash now and then as I am not a big drinker at all. I just feel so let down that I meant so little to him that I didn't warrant a courtesy call - his excuse was that "it was too noisy in the flat". That made me wonder what his real motive had been. Had he spent the night with someone else?

A year ago, he admitted to me that in our first year together, he had actually still been seeing his previous girlfriend at the same time as me - the reason he had chosen to admit it then was because he wanted no secrets between us as he was now committed to our relationship and had long felt guilty about it.  I forgave him and tried to forget about it - though I have found it hard to believe a lot of other past events were as he said, and have had doubts about whether he can ever be fully trusted , since he has proved he can be a weak and selfish person.  

One problem is that I am very quiet and a 'homebody' - I have never been a party animal, although I enjoy socialising as much as anyone. Live music and drinking isn't important to me : it is to him. I have often wondered why he is with me - I see myself as dull in that respect. Yet apart from that, we do have good times, we enjoy other pursuits together and are intellectually equal, and our sex life is great.

Something else I have noticed is that he is not good at being supportive when things are tough. I  suffered a nervous breakdown several months ago, and he was not terribly supportive, being of the 'man up and get on with it' attitude. Only when I spelled it out that I was quite seriously depressed and had considered self-harm, did he provide any real emotional support.  Similarly, he has not really shown any interest in my car problem even though he knows I have always been there for him through all his numerous financial and emotional bad times. 

I just don't know if I want to continue with this relationship. When it's good it's very satisfying but, as a friend pointed out, it isn't really Going Anywhere: we talk the talk but are we living together, are we married, are we genuinely a couple? No.

I don't want to throw a hissy fit and just end it, though I really don't want to speak to him at all at the moment.  Right now, I feel I could quite easily never have anything to do with him again - just walk away and start afresh. But then I would be immature and childish rather than confronting the (numerous) issues. 

I suppose I have answered my own question. Whatever happens, I have to talk about it with him and decide from there.

Sigh.

L

[#2]

My BF (46) & I (44) have been togther for about 6 years - in the first 3 years, we split up numerous times but eventually got back together and have stayed together very happily and even got engaged a couple of months ago.  We have been talking about living together for a long time and him moving in with me. Unfortunately, he needs to sell his house (which is in a sh** state and needs quite a lot of expensive work done on it) before he can do that. He has not exactly rushed to get this done - like many things, it is always on the To Do List but he is no closer to being able to sell up than when we first talked about this a couple of years ago.

He went out with an old mate last night and I was meant to be coming to stay with him for the Bank Holiday weekend from this afternoon - the first time I had been able to have any decent length of time with him in weeks as we both have difficult and stressful jobs, I have  two children from a precious relationship who are only away alternate weeks, plus he'd been ill.  I spent all day, waiting for him to call to say he was up & about (I fully expected him to have made a proper 'night' of it on the ale and a jolly good hungover lie-in first). Just before he headed off out yesterday, I had suffered a major car breakdown and had been warned it could cost a lot to repair. I texted him today to say it was likely to be almost £3k to fix and got no reply.

Late afternoon - I got a text saying he was still in London havng stayed at a party with some people he'd met.  He then phoned and I was so angry at him not having phoned earlier, when, had I known he was not going to be back, I could have done a lot of jobs instead of assuming I'd be going out, that I had a go and told him I wasn't going to bother coming over.  I was also fuming that he had bu**ered up our first weekend together in ages AND hadn't had the decency to contact me just for a bit of emotional support about the car news.

I have never had any issues with him going out independently, in fact I urge him to go on the lash now and then as I am not a big drinker at all. I just feel so let down that I meant so little to him that I didn't warrant a courtesy call - his excuse was that "it was too noisy in the flat". That made me wonder what his real motive had been. Had he spent the night with someone else?

A year ago, he admitted to me that in our first year together, he had actually still been seeing his previous girlfriend at the same time as me - the reason he had chosen to admit it then was because he wanted no secrets between us as he was now committed to our relationship and had long felt guilty about it.  I forgave him and tried to forget about it - though I have found it hard to believe a lot of other past events were as he said, and have had doubts about whether he can ever be fully trusted , since he has proved he can be a weak and selfish person.  

One problem is that I am very quiet and a 'homebody' - I have never been a party animal, although I enjoy socialising as much as anyone. Live music and drinking isn't important to me : it is to him. I have often wondered why he is with me - I see myself as dull in that respect. Yet apart from that, we do have good times, we enjoy other pursuits together and are intellectually equal, and our sex life is great.

Something else I have noticed is that he is not good at being supportive when things are tough. I  suffered a nervous breakdown several months ago, and he was not terribly supportive, being of the 'man up and get on with it' attitude. Only when I spelled it out that I was quite seriously depressed and had considered self-harm, did he provide any real emotional support.  Similarly, he has not really shown any interest in my car problem even though he knows I have always been there for him through all his numerous financial and emotional bad times. 

I just don't know if I want to continue with this relationship. When it's good it's very satisfying but, as a friend pointed out, it isn't really Going Anywhere: we talk the talk but are we living together, are we married, are we genuinely a couple? No.

I don't want to throw a hissy fit and just end it, though I really don't want to speak to him at all at the moment.  Right now, I feel I could quite easily never have anything to do with him again - just walk away and start afresh. But then I would be immature and childish rather than confronting the (numerous) issues. 

I suppose I have answered my own question. Whatever happens, I have to talk about it with him and decide from there.

Sigh.

L