[#1]

I am only nineteen - for the past months I have been thinking about a man who is near enough forty years old. 

He is also married with children. I really don't want to be thinking about him, and I am already in a relationship. I don't know whether it's some kind of useless obsession, as I haven't spoken to him THAT much - not enough to love!

He is at a school (not my teacher) that I am currently at - leaving in a few months. I think it will be extremely hard to leave, and I feel a sort of build up of desperation if I have been away too long. What on earth am I thinking??? 

Do you have any tips to move on - or perhaps make me see the light?

I long for an older man, I despise the youths - they don't seem to care about the roles of men and women anymore. As my boyfriend so kindly tells me: "you're living in an antiquated mindset!" 

My word I'm self-obsessed. I'm sorry if any women read this who are married and instantly loathe me, I can't help it. Why must the older men all be taken? Even for harmless flirtation. 

[#2]

I am only nineteen - for the past months I have been thinking about a man who is near enough forty years old. 

He is also married with children. I really don't want to be thinking about him, and I am already in a relationship. I don't know whether it's some kind of useless obsession, as I haven't spoken to him THAT much - not enough to love!

He is at a school (not my teacher) that I am currently at - leaving in a few months. I think it will be extremely hard to leave, and I feel a sort of build up of desperation if I have been away too long. What on earth am I thinking??? 

Do you have any tips to move on - or perhaps make me see the light?

I long for an older man, I despise the youths - they don't seem to care about the roles of men and women anymore. As my boyfriend so kindly tells me: "you're living in an antiquated mindset!" 

My word I'm self-obsessed. I'm sorry if any women read this who are married and instantly loathe me, I can't help it. Why must the older men all be taken? Even for harmless flirtation. 

[#3]

hmmm..

Maybe an older man would be interested if he is going through a midlife crisis.  LOL

Usually the ones that are older and not taken, usually have baggage ( separated, kids here there and everywhere, still living with their mother, several ex wives/partners)  NOT ALL MEN OF THE OLDER AGE ARE LIKE this, but usually it is a common trend.

Sometimes, older men may be in relationships that have become a bit sour and lucklustre and they will tell you (generally) what you want to hear.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

When I was your age.., 10 years ago... I was with an older man, he was 40.  This was because I was naive when it came to boys and wanted a grown man because guys my age did not want to have a serious relationship.  He had loads of kids, married some girl to keep her in the country and she done a runner and he had a criminal record.  However, he was physically abusive and I later found out that his mother beat him and he did this to all the women in his life. 

SO x

[#4]

Oh my! Well I'm very sorry to hear about your past relationship! 

I have been with my boyfriend for roughly two years and it's fine - but I still feel a little inclined to lean towards the older men. My boyfriend is 21, so a little older. Was it just the fact an older man would want a more serious relationship that made you go for someone that much older?

I just feel physically attracted to someone who is older - I know that this man has small children, and any woman who would be unhappy whilst married to him deserves to be put down (not literally). I just can't stop thinking about him, or perhaps it is the idea of him - being the only older man I have really felt attracted to in such an intense way (oh dear!)

How did it feel whilst you were with the older man - was it wrong? I can't imagine it realistically but it's something I definitely dream about.

A xx

[#5]

Dont apologise, I am well and truly over it, if anything it had made me a stronger person.

I went with him because he was older and wanted to settle down/have a serious relationship.  Younger guys just want to play the field and have fun.

He looked good for his age, he looked like the drummer from U2 and I had a crush on him before I met my ex.

So it is kind of like a fantasy for you?

SO x

[#6]

The drummer from U2? I see! Mmm, I didn't really think it was a fantasy as such - ever since I have met the older man, I have imagined myself with someone twice my age. You know the time in bed, just before sleep, you can create scenarios in your mind? That's when! Always someone atleast 35. 

How on earth do you go about finding older men to catch? (not that I am looking - I'm not sure - I'm just curious!)

A xx

[#7]

Amelie

I myself am an "older man" (I am sure you are aware guys come on here too, I do it mainly because I often find posts help me to understand women better) and tonight I stumbled upon your post.

I thought I'd try to give you an answer from my perspective to your wondering "How on earth do you go about finding older men to catch?" by telling you what I would do if I was seeking to "be caught".  In fact I can speak somewhat from experience, I have been contemplating for quite some time now separating from my wife and thinking what would I do to seek another partner?

The plain and simple answer is that I'd register with one or more internet dating sites.  When you get beyond a certain age you'd look a little silly hanging around bars and clubs trying to pick a girl up, and even if I succeeded it would likely be the wrong kind of girl, someone who just wanted sex while I am seeking a soulmate.  Also I think it's a lot less likely that I'd find someone through introductions by friends; possible I know, but much more likely for those younger than me.

As someone posted already I am sure there are a lot of available older men out there with a lot of baggage.  But there are also decent guys like me; I know a friend, a really nice guy, whose wife dumped him last year after many years of marriage.  He like me has only ever been married to one person - in fact we were both virgins when we got married! - and both of us have provided a stable home for our wife and kids, and lots of fun along the way.

What caused his wife to separate and me to contemplate doing the same, if you want to be hard you can call it a mid-life crisis.  But there are a number of us who with hindsight made a decision to marry the wrong partner, but decided to stick with it during the years we raised our children. 

You won't know this yourself for many years, but it's a tough time for many of us when our kids are ending their teenage years.  When we first had kids I recall thinking "how trapped and restriciive life will now be with children to take care of!" but now at the other end you think "what will my life be like without children?".  My wife and I have grown apart in our interests over the years, for me my coping strategy has been to throw myself into the lives of my kids, but I can't keep doing that (they are not pets to keep forever!) and I want something very different for this next stage in my life; I know I'll just be very miserable if I stay in this marriage, and eventually I'll get so grumpy I will make life a misery for my wife also!!!

Also as I alluded to, in my case we've always been mismatched; I'm an extravert, she's definitely not; I like adventure, she likes safety; I love to talk deeply about all sorts of things, she finds that really hard; I love to show my emotions, she finds it really hard; I have a high sex drive, she has none.  They say opposites attract but if there's not enough in common it can be reallyt tough, and in our case we're getting more and more different as we grow older!

All that to say, there are decent available guys out there whose first and only marriage has broken up, and the only "baggage" they have is an ex-wife and some kids.  Some partners give up on their marriage at an earlier age than me, often when their kids are say 9-12.

I don't know if these comments help at all.  But if you're serious about looking for an older man, I would try internet dating sites.  Yes I am sure there are many guys who register just looking for a fling or easy sex, often behind their wife's back.  But there are those of us who are really decent guys, who just made one bad decision in life and reach the point of deciding they can't stick with that choice for their whole life!  You will likely have to weed through a great number of listings and you will draw attention from older guys with mid life crisis desires, but that will mean you need to be cunning and have your wits about you in your search, plus a lot of patience I guess!

I won't try to comment at all on how wise it is to seek out an older guy, except to observe that if you go this route and commit to someone, do bear in mind that their life will likely end many years before yours and almost everyone finds the loss of a partner really really hard.  Sorry for that morbid thought but I thought I should mention that.  Ultimately only you can judge if this is what's best for you.

Best of luck in figuring all this out and if you have any questions that you think this older man might be able to answer, feel free to ask!

Adrian

[#8]

I'd never be able to forgive myself for breaking up a family - and I'd probably have to wait until a man was completely apart. A fine reply! I did wonder about the men on this website (I am new to all of this!) but I have seen some posts by men, so by now I am aware! I'm sure this website does help you understand women a little better - it helps me to understand them better! I don't even understand myself half of the time, I understand men less though. I don't have very much luck with any men - friends/boyfriends ect ect. I seem to get on better with older men, they seem to be able to TALK more - I don't know whether that's my subconsciously wanting to talk more. 

That's so huge - considering leaving your wife, thanks for sharing that though. I can't imagine what it would be like, but you have given me a little insight into the mind of a male within a family! That's a great thing! I have often wondered, such a huge disparity between an older man and myself. I think that's the reason for my attractive - opposites attract as you said!!

I did think about the dating websites. I'm aware of the (not always) dogdy people you find on there - I watched and helped my mother find a partner. She has met one now, who lives with her. He's nice, so there is still hope for dating websites. It's just a lot of bother, and I wouldn't know where to begin. I think I'd feel deflated too. 

I always wonder if I'd seem too immature. I don't want to make myself mature - I want to be naturally my age. I have a Swedish friend who is 25, and he tells me off for doing childish things, it makes me quite insecure about how childish I really am. I wouldn't compare with a woman - I don't feel like I'm a woman yet. I suppose at nineteen I'm not really a woman. 

Does your wife feel the same as you do - is she aware of your differences? It's a sad thing when people become too comfortable. 

[#9]

Please say something else. I feel that talking to an "older man" brings me closer to the older man I'll never be able to talk to properly. It's a sad life. 

[#10]

Hiya,

Sorry for not replying sooner – when I last posted on here my profile was set to email me whenever I had a reply to a post, but for some reason that has not worked this time, so I only discovered your posts tonight when I checked in again.

Oh no, try not to ever break up a family!  And yes if you ever do go after a man who was attached it really is best to wait until they’re completely separated from their old life.  And yes, I think both sexes can learn a lot from each other when we can talk so honestly on here, safe in our anonymity!  I’m sorry to hear you say you don’t have much luck with men and understanding/talking to them, but please don’t worry as you have so much life in front of you!  And I think you’re right, some though not all of older men are better at talking, I guess maybe it’s because they are older, possibly wiser, and with more life experiences to share.  I’ve had quite a few conversations on here with women (well, offline from here for more lengthy discussions!) and it does help us to better understand each other, how we’re wired, how we approach life, relationships and sex differently.

Glad you’ve seen some good experiences with dating websites, and it was great that you could help your mum, that’s really cool!  I’m glad she found someone good.  Yes dating sites are a lot of work but I and I am sure many others could give you ideas on where to start, and after introductions from friends it is now the no.2 way for people to meet, whatever their circumstances!  Nothing ventured, nothing gained!  Don’t feel deflated, you are not immature, you are 19 and I am sure quite mature for someone at this stage in life; like is a journey, an adventure; don’t wish yourself too mature overnight or you might find yourself old overnight!!

You used the word childish, there is a difference between this negative word and being child-like; child-like can mean not taking yourself too seriously; being prepared to have fun, let your hair down;  having awe and wonder about the simplest of things; being creative and thinking outside the box.  I determined many years ago that the big difference between people as they grow older is whether they retain the ability to be child-like at times or feel they have to act grown-up all the time; that easily makes people old and serious, and before they know it, they don’t know how to relax, goof off, have fun anymore.  In every way you look at me, you’ll find I am younger than many people 10 years chronologically younger because I purposed to have this attitude in my life.   I’ve still got a whacky sense of humour, I’m always joking around and playing tricks on people; I do crazy things, I get excited about rainbows and sunny days and bulbs starting to poke up through the ground, I allow myself to end up in tears at times at the joys and wonders and frustrations and awe and beauty of life.

Sorry, I am getting carried away there!  All this to say, sure you will continue to grow up and mature more as a woman and that’s a good thing, but maturity is not the be-all and end-all of life and straining to pursue it too much will make you old one day, before your time!  Enjoy life today and life in the here and now; don’t worry about what your Swedish friend says; he is simply gloating that they’re a few years ahead of you!

And yes, my wife is keenly aware of our differences, but she’s not at all one to make things happen in life, and yes she is too comfortable and I think doesn’t work at our relationship, largely in her case through unsurmountable lack of confidence in herself, despite my best efforts over the years to help build her up, strengthen her self esteem, romance her, treat her like a queen!

I’m happy to chat as long as you like Amelie.  Give me a list of questions for an older man if you like, and I’ll do my best to answer them!

Take care,
Adrian

[#11]

ameliesnow, it soundslke, from another post of yours, that you are having doubts about your relationship with your boyfriend.

I don't think this is about the older man - who you admit you haven't even spoke to much so  you don't know what he would be like in a relationship, and who isn't free to have a relationship anyway - but about you wanting something different than what you have with your current boyfriend.

Maybe you are thinking that if you were with an older man you would get something that you are not getting from your boyfriend.

The things is, age and maturity do not go hand in hand. There are young people who are very mature, and older people who have never grown up. It depends on the individual.

I think you first need to look at what you want from a relationship, see whether you are getting that from your boyfriend, and then decide what you want to do about your current relationship before moving on to anything esle.