[#1]

Hi

Many years ago I used these boards and they were extremely helpful.

I have been with my husband for 6 and a half years, married for 3 years. I have a 17 yr old son from a previous relationship when I was 19. I am 36 now, spent many years bringing up my son alone and had some relationships along the way. One of those reletionships was an engagement which ended and my fiancee died in an accident. He was everything to me, even though through the engagement I was silly at times and didnt realise what he truly meant until he wasn't there. Never felt the same about anyone since. Met my husband who is 13 yrs older than me, moved in together, got married 3 yrs ago. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and we never tried again (I didnt want to) He is the most wonderful kind, honest, generous man who would do anything for me and loves me very much. I have a wonderful life and in many ways am very lucky.

I no longer have a physical relationship with my Husband, in fact it has been years since we had a healthy sexual relationship, The fact is I do not love him, I care about him, want him to be happy, and enjoy spending time with him, but I do not feel anything in the way of love. My husband knows this and we are living in seperate bedrooms now, have been for a few weeks now. Things are better since we parted rooms.

Has anyone ever had the kind of thing in a marriage? How did it work out?

I can see us seperating in the future, but for now things are working and financially this is best for us, also our businesses, which we both have one each and work at home.  I did have doubts when I married 3 years ago but pushed the doubts away remembering I had such a wonderful man in my husband and one who would be good to me and loyal etc.

I met someone about 4 or 5 years ago, this someone knows my husband although not close friends or anything.This someone is not attached and is very similar to me in lots of ways, we have said we are like a mirror image of each other, unable to settle well, always looking for perfecttion, craving constant excitement and getting bored quickly in relationships.

We have an attraction to each other, have been texting for several years on and off and seen each other around on social occasions but no meeting up, until in the last few weekswe met up once, this is the only ever first time we have done this, we never had sex but were slightly physical, and ...FIREWORKS....made me feel ALIVE..first time in years. I seem to get the impression that although we both know it could only ever be a physical and lead no where, there could be feelings if I carry on and meet up again, I have no sex life with my husband as I have explained and this prospect is making me feel good and providing a 'distraction'. The someone also felt the FIREWORKS and we both know we have a connection of some sort, but then I think we have always known that from when we first met.

I am very confused at the moment, I know I do not love my husband, and although he still loves me, he admits he is happy with the living arrangements.  We still get on and spend time together, and I would be more than happy if he were to go out and meet someone ( a lover perhaps?)

I really want to know if anyone has ever had this sort of marriage and also if anyone has had a  relationship with someone outside the marriage and what happened? This is all new territory to me and not so conventional. BTW Husband does not and will not know about the other 'someone'.

Lady T xx

[#2]

Hi

Many years ago I used these boards and they were extremely helpful.

I have been with my husband for 6 and a half years, married for 3 years. I have a 17 yr old son from a previous relationship when I was 19. I am 36 now, spent many years bringing up my son alone and had some relationships along the way. One of those reletionships was an engagement which ended and my fiancee died in an accident. He was everything to me, even though through the engagement I was silly at times and didnt realise what he truly meant until he wasn't there. Never felt the same about anyone since. Met my husband who is 13 yrs older than me, moved in together, got married 3 yrs ago. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and we never tried again (I didnt want to) He is the most wonderful kind, honest, generous man who would do anything for me and loves me very much. I have a wonderful life and in many ways am very lucky.

I no longer have a physical relationship with my Husband, in fact it has been years since we had a healthy sexual relationship, The fact is I do not love him, I care about him, want him to be happy, and enjoy spending time with him, but I do not feel anything in the way of love. My husband knows this and we are living in seperate bedrooms now, have been for a few weeks now. Things are better since we parted rooms.

Has anyone ever had the kind of thing in a marriage? How did it work out?

I can see us seperating in the future, but for now things are working and financially this is best for us, also our businesses, which we both have one each and work at home.  I did have doubts when I married 3 years ago but pushed the doubts away remembering I had such a wonderful man in my husband and one who would be good to me and loyal etc.

I met someone about 4 or 5 years ago, this someone knows my husband although not close friends or anything.This someone is not attached and is very similar to me in lots of ways, we have said we are like a mirror image of each other, unable to settle well, always looking for perfecttion, craving constant excitement and getting bored quickly in relationships.

We have an attraction to each other, have been texting for several years on and off and seen each other around on social occasions but no meeting up, until in the last few weekswe met up once, this is the only ever first time we have done this, we never had sex but were slightly physical, and ...FIREWORKS....made me feel ALIVE..first time in years. I seem to get the impression that although we both know it could only ever be a physical and lead no where, there could be feelings if I carry on and meet up again, I have no sex life with my husband as I have explained and this prospect is making me feel good and providing a 'distraction'. The someone also felt the FIREWORKS and we both know we have a connection of some sort, but then I think we have always known that from when we first met.

I am very confused at the moment, I know I do not love my husband, and although he still loves me, he admits he is happy with the living arrangements.  We still get on and spend time together, and I would be more than happy if he were to go out and meet someone ( a lover perhaps?)

I really want to know if anyone has ever had this sort of marriage and also if anyone has had a  relationship with someone outside the marriage and what happened? This is all new territory to me and not so conventional. BTW Husband does not and will not know about the other 'someone'.

Lady T xx

[#3]

Hi Lady T,

I can't say that I've been in the same situation but prior to my divorce many years ago now my ex and I were sleeping in separate rooms. He wasn't a lovely man though and the whole thing was an increasing decline towards an inevitable conclusion.

If I were in your shoes I'd be asking myself about my sex drive. If you have been able to live quite contentedly with your husband without the need or desire for sex then this would seem to indicate that your libido isn't high. A new relationship or a potentially new relationship could give your libido a boost but if your natural sex drive is low then eventually when the excitement of the new guy has worn off you could end up with a man whose sex drive is higher than your own.

Another aspect to consider is something I've seen happen many many times. It's where a couple have grown to accept their lot and would no doubt have continued to settle for their lives as they have come to be...... and then someone new enters the frame and they cause the couple to separate but once the couple have split up the person who caused the disruption moves on. This isn't done with malice whatsoever. It's more like fate sends them in to get the couple to shift themselves into action and separate so that they can both move on to better times with different people.

Just that once they have done that there is no further need for the newcomer in the role they had played and so the situation changes to cause this person to move on themselves.

It could be possible for your husband to know about this man and come to accept him in your life especially if he knows you wouldn't leave as a result of him but I don't know that you'd be able to give him that kind of guarantee.

Interestingly as I've just re-read your message I see that wiht your fiance who died, you said you didn't realise how much he truly meant until he wasn't there any more. Perhaps your current relationship may cause you to have similar feelings if you were ever to walk away.

Owly x

[#4]

Hi, thanks for your message.

I did consider my sex drive as my current medication which I've been on for years can have an effect on the libido. I wouldn't say that I have been contentedly living without the desire for sex, just that I have no desire to have sex with my husband, I do not feel attracted to him any longer, not in a sexual way. He does make me feel safe, and he is super reliable etc but it just doesn't seem enough for me. He is such a wonderful man so it is very sad as he really is lovely.

I see what you mean about the libido boost in the thrusts of a new person but I have no intention of going anywhere, he is totally unsuitable and we would not work in a relationship for sure, I guess I am seeing it as a bit of fun, something which feels good and also something I do not get anymore with my husband. I do not think for a moment it will be something that will last or indeed be the reason for me leaving. But still, it is something I want and would like to do rightly or wrongly.

I didnt realise how much my fiance meant until he had gone, but I could never have imagined him with anyone else or never stopped feeling love for him or stopped having sexual relationship with him, whereas I really cannot be physical with my husband, makes me feel just wrong thinking about it, feel more like his best friend than his wife. I am not attracted to him anymore physically whatsoever. I ahve been totally honest about this with him, hence being in seperate rooms.

So confused...this someone else is not my way out of the marriage, just something to enjoy for now. He also knows this, and realises that is all it can ever be, but then gain things can change and feelings can come into once couples become sexually physical (which we havent yet)

Wish I had crystal ball