[#1]

I have fallen out with my sister in a big way and am in absolute pieces about it, she is the closest person to me in the world and I have lost her.  Below is a sum of the situation please bare with me as I feel a detailed description is needed.

So basically, my sister has 2 children with a man she has been with for 5 years, and they were engaged to be married but have now split up.
They've had their issues and have been arguing on and off for as long as I can remember and have always involved me asking for advice etc, the reason he does too is because he doesn't really have many friends so no one to talk too but me. In the past he has caught my sister online chatting to men, of sexual content with the intent of cheating but as far as i'm aware never physically did. I have always covered for her, lied for her, I made a promise to her that I would always back her up even though I've never agreed with what she'd done and dead set against cheating as I know how it feels to be cheated on.

Anyway, we go skating as a hobby and made friends with some guys, it is public knowledge that one of the men fancies my sister, at this point she was still with her partner. I've been convinced from day one that his plan is to be-friend her and slowly move his way in on her, trying to get with her, and have discussed this with her telling her to be careful, which ended in an argument of her defending him and saying nothing will ever happen.

During the last part of their relationship her ex boyfriend noticed a change in my sisters behaviour so he decided to check their shared laptop on her facebook as she'd left it logged on, where he found a conversation between her and a friend which very much indicated that she has kissed this guy from skating while they were still in a relationship. I met up with him one evening to chat to him about their relationship as he needed to talk to someone and my sister agreed that this was fine. After much probing he told me that he has seen this facebook conversation and printed it out, I read it and to my horror it looked like she had cheated and kept me completely in the dark, but confided in somebody else. This hurt me alot because we've always said we tell each other everything and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't trust me with this information and I felt so betrayed. I then told him that we need to confront her about it, he near on begged me not to say anything to my sister, that it needed to be him that spoke to her and that it was there relationship at steak. Mixed with the feelings of hurt and upset, and him begging me not to say anything, I agreed I wouldn't say anything to my sister until he had.
A week went by and he still hadn't confronted her as he had got wind that she was meeting the guy one night, he was planning on forgiving her but wanted to see if she would actually meet up with the guy, as this would make up his mind for him that their relationship was over. He drove to the house and did indeed catch her driving off in a car with the guy. He then told me and I didn't say anything to my sister. All through this I was still feeling so hurt that she hadn't confided in me and even after asking her subtle questions about it she still hadn't confided in me.

Lastly, they finally had the confrontation and my sister denied cheating, said that she can agree how bad it looked on paper but that it most definitely was not how it looked, and that friendship is all she has with the guy. She was then told by him that I have known about all of this, all along, which is obviously true.
My sister went absolutely mad at me saying that I have betrayed her and that she will never trust me again, that regardless of whether she cheated or not, I should have gone to her and warned her that he had caught her out, she said instead I let it go on and that I'd of let her cheat and get caught rather than warning her that I knew he was onto her. She said things will never be the same between us again and that she doesn't trust me anymore.

I guess my point is I really don't know how to deal with this, I apologised to her and taken responsibility for it all but now she says she doesn't know what to say to me anymore and that things will never be the same with us anymore...... I used to spend so much time with her and the kids, I now haven't seen my niece or nephew for over a week and I miss them so much. Theres 4 of us girls that are close mates, me and my sister and two other girls, we all share the same hobbie of skating and we all go every weds, this also means that is all ruined because me and my sister can't spend time together comfortably, one of the girls doesn't know anything about any of it because my sister doesn't want her knowing but the other girl does know because she was the one that my sister was discussing this bloke with instead of me. Things are just so awkward now, all 4 of us socialise all the time and it's all ruined.

It hurts that my relationship with my sister is broken............ Where do I go from here? I feel like I have no one now :-(

Any advice would be appreciated!

[#2]

I have fallen out with my sister in a big way and am in absolute pieces about it, she is the closest person to me in the world and I have lost her.  Below is a sum of the situation please bare with me as I feel a detailed description is needed.

So basically, my sister has 2 children with a man she has been with for 5 years, and they were engaged to be married but have now split up.
They've had their issues and have been arguing on and off for as long as I can remember and have always involved me asking for advice etc, the reason he does too is because he doesn't really have many friends so no one to talk too but me. In the past he has caught my sister online chatting to men, of sexual content with the intent of cheating but as far as i'm aware never physically did. I have always covered for her, lied for her, I made a promise to her that I would always back her up even though I've never agreed with what she'd done and dead set against cheating as I know how it feels to be cheated on.

Anyway, we go skating as a hobby and made friends with some guys, it is public knowledge that one of the men fancies my sister, at this point she was still with her partner. I've been convinced from day one that his plan is to be-friend her and slowly move his way in on her, trying to get with her, and have discussed this with her telling her to be careful, which ended in an argument of her defending him and saying nothing will ever happen.

During the last part of their relationship her ex boyfriend noticed a change in my sisters behaviour so he decided to check their shared laptop on her facebook as she'd left it logged on, where he found a conversation between her and a friend which very much indicated that she has kissed this guy from skating while they were still in a relationship. I met up with him one evening to chat to him about their relationship as he needed to talk to someone and my sister agreed that this was fine. After much probing he told me that he has seen this facebook conversation and printed it out, I read it and to my horror it looked like she had cheated and kept me completely in the dark, but confided in somebody else. This hurt me alot because we've always said we tell each other everything and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't trust me with this information and I felt so betrayed. I then told him that we need to confront her about it, he near on begged me not to say anything to my sister, that it needed to be him that spoke to her and that it was there relationship at steak. Mixed with the feelings of hurt and upset, and him begging me not to say anything, I agreed I wouldn't say anything to my sister until he had.
A week went by and he still hadn't confronted her as he had got wind that she was meeting the guy one night, he was planning on forgiving her but wanted to see if she would actually meet up with the guy, as this would make up his mind for him that their relationship was over. He drove to the house and did indeed catch her driving off in a car with the guy. He then told me and I didn't say anything to my sister. All through this I was still feeling so hurt that she hadn't confided in me and even after asking her subtle questions about it she still hadn't confided in me.

Lastly, they finally had the confrontation and my sister denied cheating, said that she can agree how bad it looked on paper but that it most definitely was not how it looked, and that friendship is all she has with the guy. She was then told by him that I have known about all of this, all along, which is obviously true.
My sister went absolutely mad at me saying that I have betrayed her and that she will never trust me again, that regardless of whether she cheated or not, I should have gone to her and warned her that he had caught her out, she said instead I let it go on and that I'd of let her cheat and get caught rather than warning her that I knew he was onto her. She said things will never be the same between us again and that she doesn't trust me anymore.

I guess my point is I really don't know how to deal with this, I apologised to her and taken responsibility for it all but now she says she doesn't know what to say to me anymore and that things will never be the same with us anymore...... I used to spend so much time with her and the kids, I now haven't seen my niece or nephew for over a week and I miss them so much. Theres 4 of us girls that are close mates, me and my sister and two other girls, we all share the same hobbie of skating and we all go every weds, this also means that is all ruined because me and my sister can't spend time together comfortably, one of the girls doesn't know anything about any of it because my sister doesn't want her knowing but the other girl does know because she was the one that my sister was discussing this bloke with instead of me. Things are just so awkward now, all 4 of us socialise all the time and it's all ruined.

It hurts that my relationship with my sister is broken............ Where do I go from here? I feel like I have no one now :-(

Any advice would be appreciated!

[#3]

Hi Alleyesonus,

Your sister would have confided in someone else simply because she knew you talked with her partner or her ex as he now is. She wouldn't have wanted to put you in an awkward situation and if she knew you would disapprove or would think badly of her there is even more reason to confide in someone else. So try not to take that too much like an insult.

It sounds like you've just got too involved in their relationship, albeit with the best of intentions. It's best to let each side get on with their business and leave you out of things. You can be there to pick up the pieces later but during a process of ongoing problems it's best to stay clear or if you do chat, make it clear what your boundaries are in what you do not want to know about.

Your sister has been stung but regardless of your involvement the consequences are a result of her own actions not those who knew along the way. She is shifting the blame and deflecting attention off herself. All very convenient because as her sister she knows you will always be her sister no matter how bad the falling out that will never change.

When she needs you again during her next dabble into dodgy relationships she may be more ready to put her hurt feelings aside but you need to be on your own side from here on in and never allow anyone to suck you in to covering for them if they are being less than honest with anyone else.
Doesn't matter how much you love her, let her know in the future that you'll be there for her to pick up the pieces but won't allow yourself to get involved for her sake as much as your own.

Your sister has flown off the deep end. She must be aware that she is the instigator of all of this but with you accepting the blame she has given you the lot. I can't see that she has taken ANY responsibility for the part she played in this fiasco.

Ok so she doesn't trust you, or says she doesn't, it may mean the relationship is conducted on a more casual basis for a while but that's no bad thing for you as it means you avoid her chaotic lifestyle affecting your hopefully smooth life. Great.

If this is the consequence and she can't see how it all came about and is so quick to point the finger of blame then give her time to calm down and then don't mention it and just go about your life as you normally would but don't mention anyting about any of this to anyone, none of your friends or other family members. Let it go. Avoid getting sucked in or giving anything away. Avoid being drawn into discussing personal relationships or this particular situation and carry on as normal as best you can. 

You may have a deep desire to talk this out and clear the air but the best thing is to bury it, put a lid on it and get on with your life as if it never happened. If your sister is moody with you let her be and let her get over it in her own time or not if that's what she chooses.

Learn from it though. It's been a valuable lesson that your sister has helped teach you. Lets just hope she's learned something too.

Owly x