[#1]

Hi folks, newbie to this board and seeking some objective opinions on this weird little problem I have.  If any of you have a child from a previous marriage, has your new husband insisted on your chlid changing his surname to the new family name?

My husband is resentful of my son not wanting to change his birth name because, my husband says, he provides a roof over my son's head and treats him like his own so DS should be agreeable to changing his name!  Personally, I think he is being unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill.... but what do you think?

My son is 11 years old and in regular contact with his birth father.  I know his father would refuse to agree to DS changing his surname.

Opinions please!  Don't hold back x

[#2]

Hi folks, newbie to this board and seeking some objective opinions on this weird little problem I have.  If any of you have a child from a previous marriage, has your new husband insisted on your chlid changing his surname to the new family name?

My husband is resentful of my son not wanting to change his birth name because, my husband says, he provides a roof over my son's head and treats him like his own so DS should be agreeable to changing his name!  Personally, I think he is being unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill.... but what do you think?

My son is 11 years old and in regular contact with his birth father.  I know his father would refuse to agree to DS changing his surname.

Opinions please!  Don't hold back x

[#3]

Hi Hale-girl,

I think your husband is seeing a name change as ownership of some description but nobody is owned by anyone else. We are or should be free to make our own choices which shouldn't be taken as offensive when they aren't meant to be.

Your son isn't a car that gets transferred from one owner to another and so needs to have the details changed to show who now 'owns' it.

I think your husband should ask himself why it matters so much, not just because he puts a roof over the lads head, I mean deep down why does it matter at all.

Your husband seems to want several things his own way considering the other problem you mentioned.

For him to start creating problems out of nothing much would be to spoil something that was probably going along reasonably well. Why start sticking spokes in wheels over something that really is nothing more than a label.

If he wants to split hairs it could be said that the lad's genes need to be labelled correctly rather than who provides a roof over his head. It would be laughable if you were to go on to marry several times with each new partner wanting everyone's names changed just because they provide accommodation. If your son went on to have a family of his own who wanted to trace their family history at some stage, a change of name could muddy the water.

Would he be happy to have his own children's names changed if they moved in with another man providing them with a roof and treats ? (I say this whether he has any of his own or not).

Owly x

[#4]

Hi Owly

That's a good question "why does it matter so much?".  It really shouldn't - a rose by any other name would smell as sweet as Shakespeare tells us.

DH is a bit of a control freak and, being an only child, gets a bit petulant when he doesn't get his own way.  This is something that is totally beyond his control and he gets uppity about it.  I think he struggles with the concept of being a step-parent and finding that balance between being a caring dad and also accepting that DS will never be his flesh and blood.  We have tried for a baby together but we don't think its going to happen now.  Maybe he is mourning the loss of the child he can never have and transferring his wish for a child of his own onto DS.  That's my amateur psycho-babble for the day

A x

[#5]

I think it's really unfair that your husband insists that he should dictate part of your son's identity. I don't want to sound dramatic, but your son is at the age where he's learning how he fits into the world, and your last name is part of who you are. If your son did change his name when he doesn't feel like he should, he would basically be lying every time he wrote his name on some school work. And if your husband can tell him to do that, why wouldn't a friend be able to order him to lie, or do something else for him?

I know that you know it's your son's choice, but your husband really should know that too. Caring dads don't keep mental lists of what they do for the child so they can make sure the child gives them whatever it is they think they're owed. It's possible that this is because he wants your son to be his own, but really it's just emphasising the fact that he's not. Flesh and blood is completely irrelevant in my opinion, especially when it comes to parents, who are there to offer love and support, not a genetic connection.

It really does sound like it's time for your husband to accept that he's not the baby of his family anymore. Being an only child is no excuse for an adult to behave like this.

[#6]

Hi,

I think you make perfect sense with how your husband is feeling and why, and how his personality will be affecting what he's trying to do.

He can't fix himself by trying to change everything around him that affects him. To feel better he has to work on himself. It's really the only way any of us can function well when faced with things that don't suit us.

We can't scurry around someone with tender feet, laying a cotton wool path for them and removing the stones. That's not what life is about. It's about living, learning and growing as a result of everything we experience, to become better more understanding and compassionate people.

We cannot become that kind of person without experiencing obstacles and difficulties on our path through life.

Owly x