[#1]

Hi folks, newbie to this board and seeking opinions please!

DH spent many years working and living in the South of the UK and is longing to move back there.  We are currently in Cheshire and he is struggling to find good jobs, hates the weather, wants to be near to the coast and we have regular "heated debates" about moving away from this area.

The problem I have is that my mum is 80 years old now and has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I don't want to move away I think that spending time with her while I can is pretty important now.  We also have a son aged 11, just settling into high school, who is my son, DH's step-son.  I feel like I am being asked to choose between my husband's needs, my mum's needs and my son's needs and I just don't know where my loyalties should lie any more.  I feel I might lose my husband and the family unit we have worked so hard for because he is so unhappy where we live and in his job and I am holding him back.  I want him to be happy, but at what cost to the other important people in my life?

I would love to live by the coast too but not right now - I just don't think the time is right.

What would you do? x

[#2]

Hi folks, newbie to this board and seeking opinions please!

DH spent many years working and living in the South of the UK and is longing to move back there.  We are currently in Cheshire and he is struggling to find good jobs, hates the weather, wants to be near to the coast and we have regular "heated debates" about moving away from this area.

The problem I have is that my mum is 80 years old now and has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I don't want to move away I think that spending time with her while I can is pretty important now.  We also have a son aged 11, just settling into high school, who is my son, DH's step-son.  I feel like I am being asked to choose between my husband's needs, my mum's needs and my son's needs and I just don't know where my loyalties should lie any more.  I feel I might lose my husband and the family unit we have worked so hard for because he is so unhappy where we live and in his job and I am holding him back.  I want him to be happy, but at what cost to the other important people in my life?

I would love to live by the coast too but not right now - I just don't think the time is right.

What would you do? x

[#3]

Hi Hale-girl,

I'd stay close to where my mother was and I wouldn't feel happy about being made to choose just because my husband wasn't happy with the current location. Some things are more important than geographical location.

Time is precious and what is lost cannot be regained. There will always be jobs on the conveyor belt of opportunity. We only have one mother.

Is your husband in such great demand that a job would be virtually guaranteed ?

Owly x

[#4]

YOW ! this is a difficult one.

In part you have answered your own question with your closing line.

"I would love to live by the coast too but not right now - I just don't think the time is right."

Your have a three way jepoardy here. 

1. If your mother has lived in the same house all her life, or at least the same area, re-location may be a great stress for      her.  If she is in the advanced stages of Cancer, you have to ask yourself what her life expectancy is, and more to the point is she going to need pallaitive care in the near future?

It could be that she could receive that care in the house, but in my experience it is more likely that she would be moved to a hospital so that she would be given round the clock attention.  I would speak to the specialist on that point, no matter how painful the answer may be.  If she is going to have to be moved in to palliative care, then she would have to leave the house in any case, so relocation would take place, whether it be local or not. It is possible thay you could get a McMallin Nurse to assist, but with your mothers age, that could cause issues with accepting a third party.

2. How long has D/H been out of work, as you can only live on benefits for so long.  I should add that the employment          market in the South is no better than in the Cheshire hinterland. Are his skills easily transferrable, and has he looked at the employment market to see whether the skills are likely to be usilised.   In his case I would make enquiries with local employment agencies, as well as get a couple of copies of the local paper from the last two months to see what the market is like. Coastal areas tend to have seasonal type work and not too much permanent work.  That can be shown by the number of people who commute to London from the South Coast, particularly Brighton.

3. Regarding your son, since he is at the age where is about to change from primary to secondary school, the relocation would not be too much of a problem as he would have to start a new school anyway and create new friendships as well, so I don't beleive that there is so much of the problem, in realtion to your son's relocation.  

This is a difficult one, and I think you need to look at the long term view as much as the short -term. With no disrespect to your mother,  the future of your immediate family may need to be taken in to consideration very carefully, particularly the boy's education.   As for your husbands work situation since he is unemployed, relocation for him would not be too much of a trauma, only whether there is work available.

Finally, how alert is you mother?  Have you asked her about how she woud feel if she were to relocate? Does she have a circle of friends in the immediate community, which, if she were to relocate would cause emotional issues? Has she been included in the debates between you and your husband; and as importantantly, your son.  I think this is a family debate issue here and it can only be dealt with by all four of you discussing the matter, particularly if you mother is alert.

Perhaps before you move down the line mentioned in the previous paragraph, it may be worthyou and  your husband discussing the matter with RELATE (formerly the Marriage Guidance Council), to see if they have more equitable soloutions that I have offered.  They are more experienced in this sort of thing than Joe Public

I am sorry that I have gone on, and doubtless will have smacked pandies from CLfor such a lengthy reply, but I hope that my contribution has been of some use.

With very best wishes, and supporting huggs, ((()))

Patsy x

[#5]

It sounds like you have good reasons for not wanting to move right now, and you're not rejecting your husband's needs because you're open to moving at some point, but there are important things you both need to consider. Have you discussed this with everyone involved? Your son might be ok with moving, and maybe your mum could move with you, or you could visit her every other weekend.

If you feel that moving isn't an option at the moment, you and your husband could agree to put off discussions about moving for a certain number of years while your mum has treatment and your son finishes school. Maybe you could use this time to save some money or do some evening classes to get qualified for a new job, or something like that. It's probably worth remembering, pointing out to your husband, that you're both on the same side, because you both want to move closer to the coast, and for the move to have the best outcome for everyone involved.

You need to think about what you want too. There's no point in moving and resenting your husband for forcing you to leave your mum, or staying and resenting your mum for making your husband unhappy. It sounds like you're really important to your family, so their happiness depends on yours.

In terms of the loyalties thing, I think your first responsibility is to yourself. You need to make the decision that you can live with, or you could make everyone unhappy.

[#6]

Hi Patsy, thanks for your thoughtful reply.  It would solve a lot of worries if mum would consider moving with us.  Apart from my position as a daughter wanting to care for her sick mum I think a change of scene and fresh sea air would do mum the world of good but she has roots firmly planted in the house she has lived in for 58 years and couldn't imagine moving hundreds of miles away - even though her best friend did it and has never looked back and mum said she was jealous!  Can't win that one I'm afraid!

I think the answer is to stay put while DS goes through high school (we have moved a few times already and the poor lad keeps having to change schools and make new friends!) unless DH has a fabulous job offer that he couldn't refuse at which point I would have a duty to follow him.

The sad thing is, DH does have a well paid job but it is a 90 mile commute, he's working terribly long hours and flogging himself to death for it.  He is terribly unhappy most of the time and its hard to see him like this.  He's got his rose tinted specs on about moving to the coast and I just worry that I could uproot my life here and he still won't be happy.  He does suffer with depression and has tried a couple of counsellors with no real progress but maybe we should try Relate together like you say.

Ann x

[#7]

Hi Owly

DH is one of those guys with the high-flying job and works long hours, wishing he had more freedom.  I think this is partly where this desire to move comes from.  You're right - time is precious and I only have one Mum.  We do go round in circles with this issue where I argue my case and DH sees my point of view then weeks or months go by and he's off again - saying he hates where we are, he hates his job, he can't find a job up here that he likes etc etc etc.  Its very wearing to live with!

A x

[#8]

I've lived with people who were depressed in the past, so I understand how draining it can be. It sounds harsh, but you can't make your husband feel better unless it's by supporting him to make it happen. Maybe when he says he understands why you shouldn't move right now you could talk about why he wants to move, and how he could adapt his lifestyle to include some of the postive things he wants in his life by the coast. This is the important part anyway, because there would be no point in him moving where he wants to be and doing the exact same things as he does now.

Maybe getting a job he likes better than his current one is something he should be aiming for, even if it isn't one he really likes. Or is he the type of person who needs to hate his job? It sounds strange but I know some people like that, who hate their job because it's stressful, but wouldn't even consider applying for a job with fewer hours or responsibilities.

[#9]

Hi Ann,

Your situation seems similar issue I had with my late aunt, who lived in North London, although rather different circumstaces. She had been mugged three times, and most disturbing whilst she was entering the house: she was 80 years old at the time.    My parents and I sat down with her to discuss whether living where she was viable anymore, let alone safe as the area was becomming more unstable; and that relocation would be better to an area quieter.

She was quite adamant she wanted to stay, and we contacted social services who installed a Personnel Attack system, which if my aunt fell, or was wary of someone at the door, she hit a button on a necklace which connected to a control room and they could exchange conversations on a one way basis, i.e. only one person can speak at a time.  My aunt was just very frail but was compis mentis and able to do basic cooking; she lived in a large Victorian house which had a traditional front room which could easily be convertered in to a Bedroom easily, and with a downstairs,  bathroom all one level, it effectively made the ouse in to a bungalow. 

I just happened to mention the situation (it was starting to bring me down as Auntie and I were quite close), and the situation came up in conversation.  My friend is carer and her response to me was that if we were to relocate my aunt from a place where she had lived all her life, could cause irreperable damage emotionally, to the point where she could make an attempt on her own life.     In the event my aunt died in hospital after a fall, and thankfully the rest of her life was short.

Given that your mother has been resident 58 years there is going to be  similar situation to my Aunt, relating to the shock of relocation.  There is the further issue of your son, and now that he has changed schools a few times that is going to have an effect on him too, even though he is going to have to move to a secondary school anyway.  Ususally when you move schools some of your friends come with you, albeit in seperate Forms; however in this case it would be total isolation in his view with no peer support.

From what you have described it now seems that the interests of your son are paramount.  Perhaps one way around the issue would be to wait for your son to finnish Secondary Education, and your husband to continue looking for work in both your current area, as well as making enquiries where he would like to move to near the coast.  The employment market is VERY tight at the moment, and he needs to investigate the feasibility of moving now and trying to find work in a coastal town before you move.  Register on a few agencies and test the water (if you pardon the pun).   There wold be no point in relocating if there was no job to go to.  I think you need to consider holding on for your son, and visit your mother for the day  on a weekly basis,  

Although I am single, and no family ties (other than a sister and father, who live over 200 miles away from me) one of the things I  have considered, whilst I have been unemployed for a long term, and that is to look at temporary or contract employment away from where I live, take temporary accommodation, whether guest house or short  tennancy. Sleep there four nights a week and come home for the week end. 

If you had an income, as you husband is now employed,  then you may be able to afford the situation where this could work.  Again you need to research the situation, before making any rash moves.

Again, sorry to go on, but I hope that my suggestions give you some alternative ideas.

With very best wishes and warmest huggs-

Patsy

x

[#10]

This sounds like a really difficult situation for everyone, but as someone who lost my mum to cancer 18 months ago, my own personal view would be to stay near her to look after her and spend time with her.  She's elderly and although she may still have a good few years left, if she has to have treatment and/or the cancer advances she will need you more and you will want to be there for her.  Time with her is precious, specially now, and I personally would want to make the most of it.  I can understand your husband's frustration if hes working in a job he hates and spending a ridiculous amount of time and money commuting, but it sounds like he's putting unfair pressure on you at a time when you're trying to deal the news of your mum's illness and he's too busy complaning to be supporting you in the way you deserve at the moment.  The last few months with my mum were so precious and I couldn't have even considered moving away (though we knew fairly quickly that it was terminal), and I know if I hadn't have been there I would have deeply regretted it. 

As for your son's schooling, I can understand your reluctance to move him again if he's moved a few times already, but maybe if you were to do it before he starts his GCSE courses when he's 14 or 15, then it coud be done if necessary.  Has your husband considered the possibility of moving on his own if he can get a good enough job?  He could live and work there during the week and then come and spend weekends with you.  It might not be ideal but as a temporary compromise  it might work, though obviously he'd have to be earning enough to rent a room/small flat for during the week as well as keep up with the bills etc on your family home.  I think the other poster who suggested he might have rose tinted specs on about moving may have a point, probably being made worse by the fact that he obviously hasn't settled and doesnt like his job.  It might not be all he thinks it is, and I think the jobs market is just as bad wherever you live.

I hope you can work something out and that your mum keeps in as good health as she can for as long as possible.

[#11]

"I know some people like that, who hate their job because it's stressful, but wouldn't even consider applying for a job with fewer hours or responsibilities." .... Strange you should say that - he is that type of person. He seems to thrive on being a martyr sometimes!