[#1]

How would you suggest dealing with someone who you dated briefly and well over 2 years later, after they were very forceful and pressurising me, I told them we should only be friends...they are still pestering and bothering me. He has told me a lot of things about himself and his problems and I've basically been like his councillor who he could text/call anytime and every time we met up it would be hours of listening to his problems and then trying to get off with me at the end. As a result I cut down our contact and met up with him less (we don't even live near each other, I just visit his city occasionally for work)...he now asks me who I'm with and what I'm doing, gets angry if I don't reply to texts immediately, makes me explain the smallest details as if it's a test and I'm lying. I have a lot of problems at home and am very busy- which he knows- yet still behaves like this. Last time I saw him he was trying to force himself on me even though I was pushing him away and turning my face. I don't know what to say anymore, he lies and guilt trips, denies anything if you pull him on it and even subtly hints that he knows people close to me and has info on me. I am made to feel bad for visiting friends I've known for years on an odd day off instead of him. I want to explain exactly why I'm distancing myself but feel he will deny it and threaten suicide which he has done in late night messages in the past- also I think he is very manipulative and would use the info to hide certain thoughts/behaviour so we would keep meeting up, but in reality keep on pursuing something. Sorry if this seems a stupid problem but I don't know how to deal with it, feel guilty all the time and struggle with my own problems as it is... I had a bit of a go at him a couple of months ago when he sent some very intrusive, demanding messages then switched it around on me saying he could tell that I wasn't very 'well' at the moment- I could have told him then that I never want to see him again but instead I had had enough of the BS and just wanted him to shut up so I just told him to leave it. I have seen him briefly since and was friendly and helpful even though it was his usual rants and jealous questions (I don't know what's wrong with me, I was fuming inside but couldn't say so). I want to tell him what I think and that I don't want to meet up with him anymore but I worry about his reaction (anger) and what he may do..for example he always tried to worm his way into my life, finding out about my friends etc and recently suggested that he may go and visit my mother (who doesn't even know who he is) who lives over 3 hours away because he's always wanted to visit that area. I also have a job offer in his city but feel like turning it down because I don't want him being able to get at me. Should I meet up and tell him or email? I am so worried that he will harm my life in some way. I don't know what to say. Many thanks for any answers and sorry for long message.

[#2]

How would you suggest dealing with someone who you dated briefly and well over 2 years later, after they were very forceful and pressurising me, I told them we should only be friends...they are still pestering and bothering me. He has told me a lot of things about himself and his problems and I've basically been like his councillor who he could text/call anytime and every time we met up it would be hours of listening to his problems and then trying to get off with me at the end. As a result I cut down our contact and met up with him less (we don't even live near each other, I just visit his city occasionally for work)...he now asks me who I'm with and what I'm doing, gets angry if I don't reply to texts immediately, makes me explain the smallest details as if it's a test and I'm lying. I have a lot of problems at home and am very busy- which he knows- yet still behaves like this. Last time I saw him he was trying to force himself on me even though I was pushing him away and turning my face. I don't know what to say anymore, he lies and guilt trips, denies anything if you pull him on it and even subtly hints that he knows people close to me and has info on me. I am made to feel bad for visiting friends I've known for years on an odd day off instead of him. I want to explain exactly why I'm distancing myself but feel he will deny it and threaten suicide which he has done in late night messages in the past- also I think he is very manipulative and would use the info to hide certain thoughts/behaviour so we would keep meeting up, but in reality keep on pursuing something. Sorry if this seems a stupid problem but I don't know how to deal with it, feel guilty all the time and struggle with my own problems as it is... I had a bit of a go at him a couple of months ago when he sent some very intrusive, demanding messages then switched it around on me saying he could tell that I wasn't very 'well' at the moment- I could have told him then that I never want to see him again but instead I had had enough of the BS and just wanted him to shut up so I just told him to leave it. I have seen him briefly since and was friendly and helpful even though it was his usual rants and jealous questions (I don't know what's wrong with me, I was fuming inside but couldn't say so). I want to tell him what I think and that I don't want to meet up with him anymore but I worry about his reaction (anger) and what he may do..for example he always tried to worm his way into my life, finding out about my friends etc and recently suggested that he may go and visit my mother (who doesn't even know who he is) who lives over 3 hours away because he's always wanted to visit that area. I also have a job offer in his city but feel like turning it down because I don't want him being able to get at me. Should I meet up and tell him or email? I am so worried that he will harm my life in some way. I don't know what to say. Many thanks for any answers and sorry for long message.

[#3]

Hi

I know that is a silly question but can just "delete" them from yourself - tell them that you nolonger want to continue your relationship and any further contact will be view as harassment if you really dont want to deal with them

as you say in dont live in the same town so it it electronic contact manly that you have

if they do not take your statement seriously seek legal advise or seek legal advise now about how you can stop this from happening because you seem so unhappy with the circumstances because they are not accepting your actions thus far to allow you to step back / away

I may seem harsh but I am having relationship problems of a slightly different nature but I have spoken to someone with a legal view point of where I am and about what I can do and it has made me feel calmer because I feel I am starting to have some control over my life

you dont have to put up with the situatin, you just need to right the right tools to allow you to leave the situation without you feeling guilty or worried that you have done something wrong

I wrote lots of stuff down and then went to chat to some one about the actions I could take legally to change the situation I was in for the better

[#4]

Hi Dewie,

This person is playing on your vulnerability and insecurity. You need to be strong and just stop having anything to do with them. If you felt you needed to say something to draw a line under it all you could say that this relationship is actually toxic for both of you, neither is getting any enjoyment and you feel threatened at times and as a result you have decided that it's best for both of you to go your separate ways. Don't take any nonsense or pleading and from that point on do not respond to anything from this person for a while, so they get the message you mean business.

The more you crumble the more they will feel their efforts are paying off and will keep on doing something.

If they continue you can tell them that you will be going to the police. Or you could say nothing and if this person does anything that is intimidating you could go to the police to either report it or to mention it so that should anything happen in future they have this person on file as a suspect.

Owly x

[#5]

I agree with Freda. You don't owe this person anything just cut them loose and get on with your life.  You don't have to play their game, you don't have to tell them you're cutting them off just do it. If you need to get their nuber blocked from your phone then do it. Block their email address etc and focus on the good parts of your life. Seek legal advice if you feel it to be appropriate. 

People like this thrive on others responding to them, if you don't give him the oxygen then he can't be manipulative.

[#6]

Thanks freda, owly and sam for your very kind replies- I really appreciate all three and you've given me some things to think about and I will try my best to give them a try. The situation is really getting me down and your comments have definitely helped me to see it a bit differently. Very best wishes, Dewie