Hi Bubblesgirl,
You obviously have different methods of communicating and each seems to be missing the others message and it's so easy when we feel vulnerable to come out of our corner ready to fight instead of being willing and ready to sit quietly and listen.
Two things came to mind to try. One was to write him a letter, hand it to him and go and wait in another room while he reads it and explain how you feel about him and where you see yourself being affected by your past relationship experiences, how this may have sown a seed for damaging what you have with your husband. Tell him what you want now and what you hope for together in the future. Do not blame him as that will put him on the defensive but also do not go too far in taking on all the blame because that could result in you being made a target for his own faults which he should be able to recognise and be willing to work at. Only accept responsibility for what you can truthfully claim to be yours.
Don't use phrases that say 'you make me feel ...' as that holds an accusation in it. Instead phrase it as 'I feel .... when this happened'. It just helps the other person be more willing to work towards the repair of the joint problem with the relationship.
Another possible option is something like diy counselling. This is where both of you agree to sit for an hour with each person given half an hour where one speaks and the other just listens silently. The listener doesn't show shock or annoyance or jump in with solutions, they just listen and when the first half hour is over they change sides and the listener becomes the talker while the other one listens.
It's a way of getting things out of the system.
Work together to overcome the individual problems, weaknesses and issues each of you has.
Most problems come down to lack of communication and most often issues come from fear. The fear of something can make a person behave in all kinds of ways and say things they never meant. They do and say them to cover up the fear.
Maybe your husband feels less of a man because of his low sex drive and fears being a disappointment to you.
You do something that is out of your comfort zone and it just puts a ton of pressure on both of you. Something you both don't need right now.
Another thing I heard about in the past was when a couple saw a counsellor and were told to abstain from all physical contact for a week or a fortnight, and how being told to stay apart made them start wanting each other more. Then they could only touch, still no sex and it went on increasing their desire.
I am no expert but it might help if all pressure was taken off you both and for a while you just cuddled and expressed your finer, subtler feelings for each other. Leave little love notes, put something that expresses your love for him in his pocket or glove box of his car, under the pillow or somewhere else only he would look and find. No promises or expectations of sex in these things, just love and appreciation.
Owly x
