[#1]

Hi

I used to post on this board about 6 years ago and it was so helpful that i haven't needed to post since! But am back as don't know where else to turn at the moment.

Have been with DH for 7 years, married for 5.

DH has daughter, aged 9, who i've known since she was 2, she's never known any other step-parent, i've always been around since she can remember.

I had a v. hard time dealing with her at the beginning because DH was so tunnel visioned - only she existed, everything else was put on the back-burner... long long story. I wasn't allowed to be called by my real name for about 2 years... blah blah blah. 

we got over all of this because he became more balanced about it all but in the last couple of months it's got really bad again.

We now have 2 children of our own - aged 3 and nearly 1.

As i said she's now 9 and has really started to realise that she can wind both mum and dad round her little finger by acting up a bit. 

So she started saying to Mum that she doesn't want to come to us any more (she comes once during the week and every weekend). Mum started saying that she doesn't want to come because Dad isn't nice to her. What is obviously happening is she doesn't like not getting the attention she used to get as she now has a brother and a sister here.

Dad/DH is now blinded by guilt so to try and make her want to come he gives in to her every wish, runs around her like a headless chicken, panders to her every need. completely neglects me and the other 2 children.

Recently she's had ballet shows and reahearsals etc etc. he's been out most saturdays with her for the past 3 weeks. is due to be out again next saturday. sometimes he takes my oldest, leaving me and the youngest at home. 

but i cannot take it anymore. Am i being irrational? Our entire lives revolve around her. if she has ballet , rather than saying that this week her mum has to take her, he just says "ok" and expects us/me to fit in with it all.

I am sick of spending weekends on my own with our children (much as i love them it would be nice to have Dad around too.)

i've said all this to him and he says it's normal to be doing lots of out-of-school activities with ones kids and that when ours are bigger it'll be the same. I point out that it's different because she is NOT my child and I am not involved in any of this and am left out and left alone BECAUSE of it, and it is NOT fair on the other children.

I read another poster on here saying that children don't necessarily always have to come first, and in this case i really think it's true. I think he needs to find a balance and go sometimes but not EVERY time (oh, btw, he's never been to a single thing at my eldest's school - he's only 3 but there have been christmas shows and parent/ teacher evenings etc etc).

Just don't know what to do anymore. He will NOT stop and try and see my point of view and is convinced i'm just the evil step-mother.

It has got to the point that i am so embittered by the whole situation that i cannot STAND her and cannot even bring myself to LOOK at her when she comes. I know this isn't fair as it's not directly her fault, but I see her as the cause of all these problems.  (and she's also become quite rude towards me recently - and of course DH doesn't say anything as everything she utters is like GOLD to him).

Advice anyone? I'm about to explode, I really am.

[#2]

Hi

I used to post on this board about 6 years ago and it was so helpful that i haven't needed to post since! But am back as don't know where else to turn at the moment.

Have been with DH for 7 years, married for 5.

DH has daughter, aged 9, who i've known since she was 2, she's never known any other step-parent, i've always been around since she can remember.

I had a v. hard time dealing with her at the beginning because DH was so tunnel visioned - only she existed, everything else was put on the back-burner... long long story. I wasn't allowed to be called by my real name for about 2 years... blah blah blah. 

we got over all of this because he became more balanced about it all but in the last couple of months it's got really bad again.

We now have 2 children of our own - aged 3 and nearly 1.

As i said she's now 9 and has really started to realise that she can wind both mum and dad round her little finger by acting up a bit. 

So she started saying to Mum that she doesn't want to come to us any more (she comes once during the week and every weekend). Mum started saying that she doesn't want to come because Dad isn't nice to her. What is obviously happening is she doesn't like not getting the attention she used to get as she now has a brother and a sister here.

Dad/DH is now blinded by guilt so to try and make her want to come he gives in to her every wish, runs around her like a headless chicken, panders to her every need. completely neglects me and the other 2 children.

Recently she's had ballet shows and reahearsals etc etc. he's been out most saturdays with her for the past 3 weeks. is due to be out again next saturday. sometimes he takes my oldest, leaving me and the youngest at home. 

but i cannot take it anymore. Am i being irrational? Our entire lives revolve around her. if she has ballet , rather than saying that this week her mum has to take her, he just says "ok" and expects us/me to fit in with it all.

I am sick of spending weekends on my own with our children (much as i love them it would be nice to have Dad around too.)

i've said all this to him and he says it's normal to be doing lots of out-of-school activities with ones kids and that when ours are bigger it'll be the same. I point out that it's different because she is NOT my child and I am not involved in any of this and am left out and left alone BECAUSE of it, and it is NOT fair on the other children.

I read another poster on here saying that children don't necessarily always have to come first, and in this case i really think it's true. I think he needs to find a balance and go sometimes but not EVERY time (oh, btw, he's never been to a single thing at my eldest's school - he's only 3 but there have been christmas shows and parent/ teacher evenings etc etc).

Just don't know what to do anymore. He will NOT stop and try and see my point of view and is convinced i'm just the evil step-mother.

It has got to the point that i am so embittered by the whole situation that i cannot STAND her and cannot even bring myself to LOOK at her when she comes. I know this isn't fair as it's not directly her fault, but I see her as the cause of all these problems.  (and she's also become quite rude towards me recently - and of course DH doesn't say anything as everything she utters is like GOLD to him).

Advice anyone? I'm about to explode, I really am.

[#3]

Hi

I can't pretend to understand how awful this is for you, but can only imagine.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your step-daughter realising that she can have control over her parents.  It is totally unacceptable that she is rude to you though.

Is the ballet an all day thing on Saturday, or part of the day?  Is he out on the Sunday too?

I can only tell you how things have been with my lot, and how the youngest did play football and that would take up half a day every weekend unless there were matches or tournaments, and that would be an all day thing.  Just my youngest wanted me to take him, and not his Dad. So my other children would go to their Dad every other weekend, and I'd take youngest along after the football had finished (we split up 8 years ago, and I am on my own).

I see it still with married couples, one spending loads of time with one when it comes to football.  The Mum rarely gets involved, and the Dad coaches a junior team too.

So, while I'm not defending your husband here, I can sort of understand the commitment in taking the eldest child to something week in week out (I'm sorry, honest).

He does though need to limit it to that activity perhaps...

Would you like to be watching her in the ballet?  Would it be easier if you were involved?  My children (by the way, my lot are quite grown up now, and youngest, now 13, no longer plays football) do have a step-mother which led to contact grounding to a halt, sadly, with my lot.  It did upset them.  I know how much they wanted their Dad to be part of their lives.

I'm sorry though that this means you're not as close to your step-daughter as you have been.

It could be in the future that one or both of your children will take up an activity and things could pan out the same.

I really hope that there are more replies and suggestions from step-parents left.

Thinking of you loads, and wish I could have helped with some ideas.

[#4]

Hi

Can I say I know exactly where you are coming from and completely sympathize.

Whilst I don't have any children with DP,he has a son by previous relationship and it doesn't matter what I say or do it is not right in relation to SS. Whilst I will try to talk to DP again this weekend I feel it will fall on deaf ears again or he agrees then it will go back to the old ways eventually - we have been here before

Sorry I don't have any answers just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way and you aren't on your own!

P

[#5]

It sounds like when you've discussed this with your husband you've said he puts his daughter before his younger kids. Maybe you could start talking about him doing more for your kids rather than less for his daughter. Although it sounds like you've been brilliant about the situation, your husband might be interpreting your comments as a threat to his relationship with his daughter, when actually you're trying to make sure he has an equally good relationship with his younger children. I understand and agree with that, but telling him he's doing too much for his daughter probably does make you seem like an evil step mother.

Was your husband as involved with his daughter when she was the same age as your children? Maybe you could say something like "She loved going to the park with you when she was 3, I feel sad that our children aren't experiencing that". In my opinion there's no excuse for missing your 3 year olds school things. I really think you should tell him they aren't optional. It's not about his neglecting or abandoning his daughter, it's about being an equally good father to his other children. Maybe you could suggest that if he takes his daughter to ballet, he should do something with the younger children.

Is there any way you or your husband could encourage your step daughter to be more involved with your children? If she's interested in crafts, for example, maybe you or your husband could help her make a teddy bear for your one year old? It's understandable that she resents having younger siblings because she wants more attention, but maybe talking about how grown up she is and how important big sisters are will make her feel more involved?