General Discussions
Feel like I'm Falling again...
Hello
BIt of a newbie here! 
Have used these boards before and found them ever so supportive. I have had mild bouts of depression through my life. Last year I've been doing quite well and been having weeky therapy and working out where some of my self esteem issues come from. Felt Like I was healing.
My depression was previously bouts of feelings of gloom/mild anxiety/crying a lot/feeling very negative/hating myself. I've never hurt myself or felt suicidal. I've felt lonely a lot, not had very succesful relationships with men (am 32) and all my friends are settling down.
However, I can feel myself slipping again.... and I'm scared and sad that it's coming back again, and worst!
I have mood swings about once a week now (previously I could go a month with just one 'down' day of crying/anxiety/gloom which was pretty good for me!). Now it's once a week or twice a week. I wil be fine one minute (busy, fine, content) and then suddenly the slighest thing can set me off. Then it's a negative sprial and exhuasting!
But what scares me is it feels more intense than before. It used to be just intense crying/negative thoughts and like a black cloud and everything felt pointless. But it would go again after a week.
Now it's this PLUS extreme ANGER at the word/people/myself (this resulted in me smashing up a new smartphone last week which means I have to replace it!), and FEAR. Yesterday I started crying and couldn't stop - I then got so frightened at how I felt and about getting worst I couldn't breathe, then when I'd calmed down I coudln't stop shivering, got a migraine and had to go to bed for 3 hours to sleep it off. IT ruined my day.
I am not sure how this anger has appeared - like this morning I cried because the train was late and I was so angry about it I wanted to punch the wall. My reactions to things feel extreme and hysterical.
I am sad as I have tried so damn hard to get better. I've cut down on drinking, given up smoking, started the gym a year ago, am following my dreams with a change of career, had weekly therapy. YET still I am falling again and get like this - I am so scared and sad I will always be like this.
I get so lonely at weekends - my flatmate now has a boyfriend and some of my friends abandoned me when I got depressed as they didn't like it. I am 32 and feel like I'll never have friends/a boyfriend.
I got frightend yesterday as I felt so sad and had no-one to call. ?No-one wants to know anymore. I feel so alone and angry at myself. I call my Mum so much when I feel down and she just gets frustarted and upset for me that I've stopped. But now I have stopped there is no-one else I feel I can call.
Should I go on anti depressants? I have resisted so far. My cousin is bipolar and my dad is on mild prozac with depression so I think maybe I have inherited it? I am highly creative (I'm a writer) and this seems to go hand in hand! I worry if I'm on medication I'll not be as creative!
thanks in advance for reading if you got this far! This was longer than intended but I do feel a bit better already writing it all down and how I feel!
xxxx
Feel like I'm Falling again...
Hello
BIt of a newbie here!
Have used these boards before and found them ever so supportive. I have had mild bouts of depression through my life. Last year I've been doing quite well and been having weeky therapy and working out where some of my self esteem issues come from. Felt Like I was healing.
My depression was previously bouts of feelings of gloom/mild anxiety/crying a lot/feeling very negative/hating myself. I've never hurt myself or felt suicidal. I've felt lonely a lot, not had very succesful relationships with men (am 32) and all my friends are settling down.
However, I can feel myself slipping again.... and I'm scared and sad that it's coming back again, and worst!
I have mood swings about once a week now (previously I could go a month with just one 'down' day of crying/anxiety/gloom which was pretty good for me!). Now it's once a week or twice a week. I wil be fine one minute (busy, fine, content) and then suddenly the slighest thing can set me off. Then it's a negative sprial and exhuasting!
But what scares me is it feels more intense than before. It used to be just intense crying/negative thoughts and like a black cloud and everything felt pointless. But it would go again after a week.
Now it's this PLUS extreme ANGER at the word/people/myself (this resulted in me smashing up a new smartphone last week which means I have to replace it!), and FEAR. Yesterday I started crying and couldn't stop - I then got so frightened at how I felt and about getting worst I couldn't breathe, then when I'd calmed down I coudln't stop shivering, got a migraine and had to go to bed for 3 hours to sleep it off. IT ruined my day.
I am not sure how this anger has appeared - like this morning I cried because the train was late and I was so angry about it I wanted to punch the wall. My reactions to things feel extreme and hysterical.
I am sad as I have tried so damn hard to get better. I've cut down on drinking, given up smoking, started the gym a year ago, am following my dreams with a change of career, had weekly therapy. YET still I am falling again and get like this - I am so scared and sad I will always be like this.
I get so lonely at weekends - my flatmate now has a boyfriend and some of my friends abandoned me when I got depressed as they didn't like it. I am 32 and feel like I'll never have friends/a boyfriend.
I got frightend yesterday as I felt so sad and had no-one to call. ?No-one wants to know anymore. I feel so alone and angry at myself. I call my Mum so much when I feel down and she just gets frustarted and upset for me that I've stopped. But now I have stopped there is no-one else I feel I can call.
Should I go on anti depressants? I have resisted so far. My cousin is bipolar and my dad is on mild prozac with depression so I think maybe I have inherited it? I am highly creative (I'm a writer) and this seems to go hand in hand! I worry if I'm on medication I'll not be as creative!
thanks in advance for reading if you got this far! This was longer than intended but I do feel a bit better already writing it all down and how I feel!
xxxx
Hi,
I'm not well at the moment so can't be of any help re. advice but just want to you know that I feel exactly the same. I'm 37 and also feel that I have failed relationships whilst all my friends have settled down and most now have kids. My younger brother has a family now too. It makes me feel that I am missing out and I feel so lonely as don't have many friends.
I too have huge problems with anger and have done so much I regret such as break expensive items (smart phone included !). Like you I phone my Mum regularly and offload my problems and she's sick of me. I suffer from fear and anxiety badly too and it's horrible.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I think you've done really well cutting down on drinking and stopping smoking.
Pip x
Hi Funkycleopatra,
Trying to fight this off in any physical way will drain you further. I mean if you make more effort to appear to be ok or to do what you were doing before you began to sink, you'll just get tired and you will function even less well. I found the trick was to ease off yourself. Rest when you get the chance and rest well, not just taking five minutes to sit down when you'd normally be washing up or clearing away. Do the jobs you can manage, leave what feels like too much, don't beat yourself up for leaving it and go and lie down for the rest of the evening and the night if needs be.
Depression has been said to stem from repressed anger so it's absolutely natural to find yourself expressing your anger when you feel everything is getting worse. It will seem as though your reactions are over the top compared to what triggered the reaction but it's not just that one trigger it's everything that has been getting to you that you weren't able to do anything about at the time.
So increase your coping skills by finding a way to let the anger out in a safe way. One method I read about was to bounce a tennis ball up against a wall very hard, over and over again.
I have found that crying and anger are two sides of the same coin. If something gets to us and we can't do one we will do the other. If we can't get angry we will get upset and if we can't get upset we'll get angry. So they are linked and they don't mean anything other than you are overwhelmed and over-stressed.
The changes you have made, while positive will still be stressful. They may be masked by the fact they were what you wanted to do and because of this it might be harder to understand why you are feeling like you are.
You need to take some time out to practice some quality quiet time. Don't do anything that stimulates any of your senses and allow them to calm down.
The next thing to do to take pressure off yourself is to imagine everyone else has left the planet or are invisible because what anyone else is doing is between them and the lessons they are on the planet to learn. Everyone has a different plan and life is not a competition. Friend A or B may seem to be ahead in some regard but if their relationships are due to end at some future date their advancement means they are closer to that too. Don't envy them or wish you could be the same or feel that you are somehow lagging behind. You're not.
If everyone vanished there would be nobody to compare anything with and that's how we should feel about what we are doing. Where we are at is where we are meant to be. There's no need to rush. Concentrate on learning to relax, to breathe, to slow down and admire the view through life. It's an adventure and it's your own, not anyone else's.
You could try asking your GP to refer you for counselling or find one yourself if you find someone reasonably priced.
I found talking to my counsellor a great help because everyone else had grown weary of listening to me going on about the same old problems. So when I got to offload to a counsellor it was brilliant because they were being paid to hear me and I had no guilt whatsoever.
Owly x
Hi Pip and Funkycleopatra,
You might like to try something like this...
http://www.4m8sonly.co.uk/home.php
Owly x
hi there and a welcome from me too.
Could be that the anger is actually a good sign as your body and mind are starting to fight the horrid dark moods Awful feeling to have though.
I notice you ask about going on antidepressants and it would be well worth you talking to your GP about them. I certainly couldn't have managed without them. They do take a while to have any effect but try not to get frustrated by that.
hugs
Tabbs
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