[#1]

Not in a good place. The controlled high fibre stomach cramping meal plan has now gone and been replaced with secret eating chocolate!!!!

Back pain not been good in fact brought me to tears yesterday don't think I can put off GP visit much longer.  Snowed in at the minute which isn't helping my moods. Thoughts of the gym and sw keep arriving in my head. I've bought fitness magazine this week and ordered two books from fat families Steve Miller. Trying to work though CBT but not taking much in.

Done reluctantly two RC workouts but finding it hard to do slow and low impact.  Keep demoralizing myself about what I used to be how fit I was how much weight I could lift the intensity I could work at and its not good.

Not been work since Thursday due to snow. Lunchtime job was on today but our estate is horrendous and dh says it wasn't worth the risk just to earn around £10 so I called in and said back was too bad which really it is.  Been walking dog but can feel back tighten up and have to stop to take a deep breath.

Dd should start back sw tomorrow with a friend shes put quite a bit back on shes starting gym by uni as well which is something else for me to battle with it takes me back to where I was a few years ago and I was one n half stone lighter.

[#2]

Not in a good place. The controlled high fibre stomach cramping meal plan has now gone and been replaced with secret eating chocolate!!!!

Back pain not been good in fact brought me to tears yesterday don't think I can put off GP visit much longer.  Snowed in at the minute which isn't helping my moods. Thoughts of the gym and sw keep arriving in my head. I've bought fitness magazine this week and ordered two books from fat families Steve Miller. Trying to work though CBT but not taking much in.

Done reluctantly two RC workouts but finding it hard to do slow and low impact.  Keep demoralizing myself about what I used to be how fit I was how much weight I could lift the intensity I could work at and its not good.

Not been work since Thursday due to snow. Lunchtime job was on today but our estate is horrendous and dh says it wasn't worth the risk just to earn around £10 so I called in and said back was too bad which really it is.  Been walking dog but can feel back tighten up and have to stop to take a deep breath.

Dd should start back sw tomorrow with a friend shes put quite a bit back on shes starting gym by uni as well which is something else for me to battle with it takes me back to where I was a few years ago and I was one n half stone lighter.

[#3]

Oh von,

Step back, take a deep breath and stop panicking......please! I think at the moment you need to concentrate on eating healthily. Eat plenty of fruit and veg (especially veg), have some treats so that you don't fall off the wagon. Once you have done this for a few weeks, then look at how to tailor the healthy eating to lose weight. Until you are in the routine of eating well and not resorting to choolate eating sessions you wont lose anything.

why have you ordered the books? How will they help?

Please persevere with the cbt. That is going to help you- trust me, I really does help change the way you think.its going to help far more than fitness magazines.  You do not need the magazines or the Steve miller books - you know what to do to lose weight, you need to change your mindset  which is why you need the cbt.

please go to the doctor if you think you need to. Have you been doing the exercises? And stop thinking about sw- it works for your daughter but does not wok for you. In order to move on (and downwards) you need to accept where you are - do this and the panicking will subside . If you don't accept where you are then you will never be able to move on.

juliet

[#4]

The past is another country. You really need to change the way you see and talk to yourself. I bet there are a ton of things about the past you wouldn't want back - rubbish friendships, bad hair, patchwork flares, velour sofas so why focus on this one thing?

Seriously you need to stop. This is very unhealthy, I will say this again for the sake of saying it - consider using some of the cash you spend on gym membership, dvds, equipment and ebven chocolate to see someone about this. You are stuck in a vicious cycle that you're unable or unwilling to come out of (it's ok if part of it is unwillingness, there's comfort in negativity). If you do nothing else please see your GP about your back, it is the one part of your body you do not want to do serious damage to. And as far as the low impace goes, well, high impact didn't work for you either - or you wouldn't have left the gym. What you did in the past 1. didn't work  2. is irrelevant 3. didn't make you happy.

Your life is here for you to enjoy yourself. Being slim or more toned than everyone else doesn't mean a thing if you're unhappy. You wouldn't want to watch a friend going through this would you, so why allow yourself to be treated so poorly. You can deal with issues from the past and thrive you really can.

Burn the fitness magazine and send the Steve Miller books back when they arrive - that is not failure that is seizing power. 

[#5]

I know you're both right but I can't seem to move forward I'm trapped.  When I'm planning going back sw and re joining the gym I'm 'happy' I'm doing something this time it'll work. A couple of weeks in the flush of enthusiasm has gone doubt and sabotage set in. I don't seem to be able to move forwards without living backwards iykwim. I get frustrated with myself because I think I'm making progress and then suddenly I'm zapped back into old habits.

The changes I need to make are simple but unless its dramatic or difficult I can't seem to stick with it.  Maybe that's it the simple changes are to hard if I fail at something more difficult to keep with I have more of an excuse.  Maybe I don't find the small things enough of a challenge and get bored easy.  Maybe I don't want to reach my goals because then there's nothing to battle and procrastinate about who knows. I surely don't.

[#6]

This might hurt but you know I mean it for the best - 

You say you don't enjoy simple and need the big, difficult targets but you don't hit them either. You never stuck with SW you flicked and flacked with the gym constantly, you had a new plan each week that you couldn't stick with for more than a couple of days. This is nothing to do with fitness or food, they're just symptoms of the actual issue, whatever that is. 

I don't think any target is hard enough for you, any diet too extreme because I think you self sabotage as if you have a fear of what would happen is you succeeded. If you lost weight, could do an ironman triathlon and looked like a greek statue then you still wouldn't be happy because you'd have to punish yourself by finding someone who'd done it quicker or could lift more or whatever. Allowing yourself to fall short of your target or to give up to to have your head turned by something else seems to be your comfort zone. This might be way off but it comes across as though it's more about wanting to be different to other people and to be noticed for that that to actually be happy with what you have - and you have a lot. 

Comparison is the thief of joy. 

[#7]

You could be right. Maybe its the signing up paying out and taking part briefly that turns my head.  Its going back to the not doing abc until I have xyz thing again.

I can't get out of something that I'm not fully aware of I don't seem to recognise potholes until I'm in them again.  I don't think I will find a happy place it doesn't exist for me.

[#8]

I think it's virtually impossible to say what I'm going to say without resorting to the biggest cliches in the book.

You can be happy. But it doesn't exist outside you, it's not something you can buy or pay for and it's not something that other people give you. I totally understand why you equate making plans or paying for something with achieving something, they're not the same thing. Plans and shopping are just things that make us feel better, they symbolise intention not action. 

You can spot the signs when you accept that everything wouldn't be perfect if xyz were a certain way or if you could be like the   past, if you're always looking towards other people, other things and the past you can't see what's right here right now. When you stop to reflect and think about what you're doing and how you're feeling rather than just reacting to the latest drama you spot patterns, you see the stimuli and you can learn (this is where the CBT can be helpful ) how to change the way you automatically respond. If you always respond in the same way you'll always get the same outcome. I think what you can't see is that you're punishing yourself with food and exercise but you think you're doing the good thing because healthy food and exercise are meant to be good for you if that makes sense

And how about this for a thought experiment - so what if you became fat? What would really be so bad about it? 

[#9]

Maybe I have an attention seeking rebellious side. Maybe its self sabotage that keeps me going.  I don't know.  I don't know what's wrong with me I must be broken. Saw old friend today ive not seen since last summer immediate thoughts ' god she looks good and very very slim'. Then the compairing starts!  Yet shes always been slim never dieted usually 8\10s always cooked fabulous meals and works with food.

Home for lunch but don't fancy anything

[#10]

It doesn't come across as attention seeking (not in the negative sense), you come across as though you need a really good mate to look after you if I'm being brutally honest. I also think you want a space in the world that's just you and you don't know what that is because you're a people pleaser so you're used to doing things to make other people happy and get their approval. That's just the feeling I get from your posts. That's not a negative thing, it's a really common trait of nice people. But it has a dark side, it means this type of person has a tendency to turn things in on themselves and see themselves as the problem/ should be the cure whether they are or not. 

I think rebellion is a very strong trait in a lot of people I've spoken to who have body issues/ED. Whether it's needing to slim to prove something to people if they've had a negative relationship with family, been bullied or whatever. It's also a perfectionist thing that if something can't be done right then to hell with all of it! 

You can't compare yourself to other people because you don't know how they feel or what issues they have themselves. Maybe none, maybe they carry a heavy burden but you can't make judgements about someone's whole life because of the things they allow you to see. 

You sound very low though and I think you need the help of a professional. There's nothing wrong with being broken, there are a ton of people out there who can help you. If your GP can't or won't help you then they should be able to provide you with a list of private counsellors. Even if it's just a general "get it all out there" rather than a specific ED thing it could be very positive. 

[#11]

I am a crowd pleaser which is part of the attraction of the gym and slimming clubs. I'm not quiet or really shy and enjoy banter and chit chat. I always have though being an only child I was never inside I hated it. I always wanted to be out.

I think the weather isn't doing much for my mood either I'm not usually good in winter. . Product of my environment I think. I did eventually have rice pudding for dinner. Back to work got lamb in slowcooker for dinner.