Hi Bluebell,
I think it might be an idea to begin by thinking of her as a friend of a friend and then treat her accordingly.
If she says anything just tell her straight that you aren't able to continue seeing her in the same way you have been doing because of all the reasons previously spoken about. That it's best for both of you to respectfully move on and that you wish her well and no doubt will see her about as part of the mutual friends you have, which you have no problem with and you could end with 'enjoy your day or time at x' and say 'bye' and hang up or leave.
Owly x
This is an awkward one, because I'm not sure that "subtle" will work with this woman. I've had experience with the sort of personality you describe and it can be a hideous mixture of seeing personal slights where there are none and being paranoid and bitching about it behind your back, to choosing not to hear you if you say that something has upset her and generally 'making everything about her'. Why is it that you want to be subtle? Is it just becasue that's the sort of person you are or because you want to try and avoid her nastiness? I'm not sure avoid that abuse is going to be possible...
Incidentally, just as a passing thoguht, have you ever tried to spell it out? Have you ever said, "I'm not coming, becasue I don't want to (not because I can't make it) and this is to do with how nasty things have got in the past when things don't go your way. I've felt very hurt with what has happened and I just need to put a bit of space between us for a while." There's part of me which is thinking, if she's going to get abusive anyway, you might as well tell her the truth (as kindly as you can). Actually how abusive does she get? Obviously only you can know if that's likely to set her off in to a really nasty place and certianly don't ever do or say anything you're uncomfortable with. Don't sink to her level. And always try to remember that there is no justification for what she decides to say.
I deffo wouldn't suggest deleting her from facebook without explanation though (that's likely to engender a really nasty backlash). But certainly don't agree to go on anything she organises or is part of if you don't want to go. Abusive texts and bad-mouthing or not. If she is as bad as you say she is, I'm sure even the friends who work with her will lose patience. And they'll certainly give any credence to anything she has to say if they know what she's like. Don't try to justify yourself in replying to any unpleasant texts she sends. You don't ever need to justify a "no". (I know that might sound weird, but being assertive is sometimes about saying no and that being enough), but do feel free to message back something along the lines of "I am very hurt by what you have said" if she does hurt you.
I wish I could give you some advice as to how to be subtle and not be on the end of her nastiness, but if as you say, she's nasty and abusive even when you're polite and explain that you can't make something, then I'm not sure there's any way of extricating yourself from the end of this woman's anger. You do however, have the right not to feel like you need to be the one solving all her problems for her. I wonder if it's more about changing how YOU feel in this relationship. Remember that you're not responsible for her, for the way she chooses to feel about things and how she reacts when things don't go her way. You've done more than enough and have the right to walk away if you want to. You don't owe her anything at this stage and it certainly sounds like she doesn't deserve to be that nasty and still have friends like you.
Hi Bluebell,
No you shouldn't feel at all bad. You can't be there to support everyone who gets dumped. And I hate to be so suspicious but could this girl have put this story out to manipulate others into providing her with what she seeks or making others who are distancing themselves from her, feel bad or look bad to others.
Wait and see how true it is first before rushing back to support her. In the past I've known people make all kinds of false claims to get sympathy.
You are not a terrible person at all. None of this was as a result of your behaviour. This was her behaviour that brought this about and it's her behaviour that could make any bf dump her by text so it is possible but again if she could change her behaviour she'd change her life for the better.
It wasn't for the lack of trying or telling her. You did both of these and if she can't get the message then these things will keep happening.
Owly x
Oh heavens no, don't be that doormat that she uses just when she needs to then wipes her feet all over when she doesn't get her own way!
Have the courage of your convictions and be firm. To be honest, she sounds like just the sort of person who will ALWAYS have some crisis or other which she needs supporting through.If you cave now, you'll only be right back here agin in a month or so.
Be true to yourslef and be sympathetic as you describe, but don't go offering to "be there for her".
Remember the abuse on facebook to help steel your reolve.
Well what would you normally have done? Texted her back, phoned her, gone straight round, invited her straight round to yours?
All of the above? And how will you feel when you do those things and she turns round and us her usual abusive self a few days later?
No-one can TELL you what to do, but my advice if you decide to take it, is to simply reply offering sympath ONLY and no concrete practical solutions. By all means send a reply: "I'm sorry to hear that and hope you start to feel better soon" and leave it at that.
If you really do want to break it off with her, now is the time to start being assertive and don't drop everything to rally round her. If her behaviour is as dreadful as you've told us it is, I can't see how or why you think she deserves your help any more. Of couse if you feel like you HAVE to help her, then you must be prepared for what the consequenses of that course of action will be... i.e. you'll be back to square one.
What do you WANT to do?
