[#1]

I have been separated from my husband a year now, we had a volatile relationship and things became very hard at home, whereas arguments escalated and became aggressive and occasionally violent too.

Its been a difficult year and we have constantly had phases of getting on well and then back to arguments. I've felt resentful that he seemed to walk away from us and didn't fight  to save our marriage or try to do anything regarding his anger issues either, however the entire year he has vocally said he loves me and wants nothing more than to come home to his family.

On the other hand I have  had a few short flings during this year of which he does not know about, but none were serious, I just craved adult company, intimacy and to have a bit of fun in a stressful period. My husband and I continued to have sex throughout the year, every now and then, depending on how we were getting on.

At times I've been certain its over for us and I have even consulted a solicitor re divorce, however there has always been this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that we may be able to work things out so I never went forward with that whilst I was still feeling so unsure. I definitely love him still, and after 20 years I still enjoy his company and find him sexually attractive. We do have a spark, there's no doubt, however his temper is something I just cannot deal with anymore after all these years, he is also verbally abusive during rows, and insults me, and it's something I can no longer accept. He knows this as I have told him extensively.

At Christmas he told me (only because he had to because he was caught out by a mutual friend) that whilst separated from me this year he had had a ten month relationship with a much younger girl. It literally tore me apart. The shock and pain I felt surprised even me, and although I had had a few flings and had quite expected him to of done so too, the knowledge that he's been seeing someone for all that time really hurt me, and I'm still getting to grips with it now.

He says he did have some feelings for her, however he knew that it was going nowhere because of her age and that the two of them were now finished. That was a week or so before Christmas.

He still maintains that he wants and loves me and wants to come home, however he still does nothing to make this happen, and I am just so unsure of what to do now, I feel so confused and my mind is in chaos trying to know what to do. I feel like its crunch time, now or never. Either we try and make things work or we call it a day for good.

I want to be with him and get my life back together however deep down I feel like he cannot change, and on top of all our problems which tore us apart in the first place I now have the affair to deal with, and the fact that he lied to me about this for the best part of a year, I now feel trust issue which were never there before.

Any comments or advice appreciated.

Jo x

[#2]

I have been separated from my husband a year now, we had a volatile relationship and things became very hard at home, whereas arguments escalated and became aggressive and occasionally violent too.

Its been a difficult year and we have constantly had phases of getting on well and then back to arguments. I've felt resentful that he seemed to walk away from us and didn't fight  to save our marriage or try to do anything regarding his anger issues either, however the entire year he has vocally said he loves me and wants nothing more than to come home to his family.

On the other hand I have  had a few short flings during this year of which he does not know about, but none were serious, I just craved adult company, intimacy and to have a bit of fun in a stressful period. My husband and I continued to have sex throughout the year, every now and then, depending on how we were getting on.

At times I've been certain its over for us and I have even consulted a solicitor re divorce, however there has always been this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that we may be able to work things out so I never went forward with that whilst I was still feeling so unsure. I definitely love him still, and after 20 years I still enjoy his company and find him sexually attractive. We do have a spark, there's no doubt, however his temper is something I just cannot deal with anymore after all these years, he is also verbally abusive during rows, and insults me, and it's something I can no longer accept. He knows this as I have told him extensively.

At Christmas he told me (only because he had to because he was caught out by a mutual friend) that whilst separated from me this year he had had a ten month relationship with a much younger girl. It literally tore me apart. The shock and pain I felt surprised even me, and although I had had a few flings and had quite expected him to of done so too, the knowledge that he's been seeing someone for all that time really hurt me, and I'm still getting to grips with it now.

He says he did have some feelings for her, however he knew that it was going nowhere because of her age and that the two of them were now finished. That was a week or so before Christmas.

He still maintains that he wants and loves me and wants to come home, however he still does nothing to make this happen, and I am just so unsure of what to do now, I feel so confused and my mind is in chaos trying to know what to do. I feel like its crunch time, now or never. Either we try and make things work or we call it a day for good.

I want to be with him and get my life back together however deep down I feel like he cannot change, and on top of all our problems which tore us apart in the first place I now have the affair to deal with, and the fact that he lied to me about this for the best part of a year, I now feel trust issue which were never there before.

Any comments or advice appreciated.

Jo x

[#3]

Hi Joanne,

It's obvious there is a spark between you with all that you've said. Where there is little feeling, little passion there is hardly anything to ignite in arguments. Having an anger management problem is a dangerous weakness that could easily be attempted to excuse or ignore as the problem it is due to the passion between you. Excused and ignored by him I mean because he's the stronger one so you would be the most likely to come off worse.

I think so many boundaries have been crossed in your relationship by both of you that it is hard for either of you to understand and appreciate what is and what is not acceptable behaviour and what is and what is not respectful treatment of the other partner in the relationship.

You need to sit down together and decide where you go from here. Redefine to each other what you see as acceptable from this point on. Decide whether this relationship is something you both want to work at saving. No playing games or testing what the other will put up with before they prove they care or to teach them a lesson.

He needs to attend some kind of anger management course and he needs to know what his abusive words are doing to you. No doubt he will say he is suffering too and I'm sure he will be and if he thinks you have issues with anger then maybe you could attend these courses together.

Avoid blaming each other in your discussion if you can. Don't say 'you made me feel x when you did this or that' but say 'I felt x as a result of this or that happening'. It takes the sting of the accusation out of it and helps the other person realise what effect their behaviour is having.

Another option is to set a deadline for things to have improved. You can either voice this to him or keep it to yourself to see if things improve. Once that deadline has been reached you can assess what if anything has changed for the better and decide what to do as a result.

Owly x

[#4]

Hello Jo,

The previous post is full of good advice.

Please take some time to look after yourself and your family and may I suggest you look at counselling. It is something that I  did reluctantly when I seperated from my husband and my head was all over the place.

My counsellor, helped me so much, no one tells you what to do, they help you find the answers. One way I can describe it as is, to undo the knitting and wind it back into a ball of wool. Well thats what my situation felt like to me, yours will be completely different. 

One bit of advice I was given a long while ago; don't change everything at once, esp in this situation, just go one day at a time.

Take care

Foxy