[#1]

I am at my wits end  with this lad. Have been married to my wife for 14 years and we are reasonably happy and comfortable most of the time ! However my 21 year old stepson is making life hell and difficult. He now works thank god and has for a long time been very difficult annoying and very lazy with regard to family life. I have tried to approach him many many times and sit down quietly with him and his mother and talk things through but the result is always the same. He goes back to his selfish lazy ways and is very annoying and quite clever how he does it. For instance while my wife and I are together he comes across OK, but when her back is turned he does things to purposely be lazy and disrespect to me. I have tried everything but to no avail even talked with his mother about these things but she either dismisses it or sides with him irrespective. When he started work he started earning over £300 per week and I with his mothers agreement set a board of £30.00 per week to cover his costs etc as any normal couple would do with a stepson working and living at home. He paid this for about 4 weeks then stopped, I continually asked him for it  but he kept saying he had no money, he was spending enormous amounts on drink partying and car parts at the time. I then learned he had basically stolen £1,500 out of our joint account without his mothers knowledge or mine as she had given him our pin code one day to purchase some food for the house but spent this money on car parts and clothes etc. We had a big set to but his mother basically dismissed this again and he only paid back less than half of this  while still not paying his board. He then bought a house with money given to him by his deceased grand parents and rented this out to a couple drawing over £500,00 per month from this plus his wage and still wont pay any board  he now owes the household over £1.000 in back board yet still his mother defends him saying he has to have a life etc. She wont speak to him and he scarpers from me as soon as he can. He has now installed his girlfriend in the house and both eat, sleep, wash and live there lives on our expense. And still he wont pay. I have threatened that if this cannot be sorted properly and reasonably then it is tie he moved out  but again my wife wont hear of it and it causes problems. I know he is stealing money from her and her purse and she does also  but says nothing. He wont do anything round the house I ask him and if we go away for a couple of days she asks him and I ask him to feed our dog and walk him etc  yet when we get back the dog hasn't been fed properly or exercised as we have cctv on the house and I can see yet he still wont have it we now have to spend money on a dog minder if we go away while he lazy,s in the house or party,s I have even showed my wife the footage but still she just laughs it off when it is cruel to the dog and extremely lazy and disrespectful. But he is clever at how he does this  ie  feeds it just before we come home  so it looks like he has done it all weekend etc. When I can clearly see he hasn't. He leaves all the lights on in the house full time wont close any doors or windows and leaves the house unlocked and open heating blaring away and windows and doors open  I am going nutty at this and he doesn't care one bit. We pay for his gym weekly yet still he wont contribute to the household and to top matters his girlfriend is as bad.  Any ideas anyone ?

Frustrated and annoyed married man

[#2]

I am at my wits end  with this lad. Have been married to my wife for 14 years and we are reasonably happy and comfortable most of the time ! However my 21 year old stepson is making life hell and difficult. He now works thank god and has for a long time been very difficult annoying and very lazy with regard to family life. I have tried to approach him many many times and sit down quietly with him and his mother and talk things through but the result is always the same. He goes back to his selfish lazy ways and is very annoying and quite clever how he does it. For instance while my wife and I are together he comes across OK, but when her back is turned he does things to purposely be lazy and disrespect to me. I have tried everything but to no avail even talked with his mother about these things but she either dismisses it or sides with him irrespective. When he started work he started earning over £300 per week and I with his mothers agreement set a board of £30.00 per week to cover his costs etc as any normal couple would do with a stepson working and living at home. He paid this for about 4 weeks then stopped, I continually asked him for it  but he kept saying he had no money, he was spending enormous amounts on drink partying and car parts at the time. I then learned he had basically stolen £1,500 out of our joint account without his mothers knowledge or mine as she had given him our pin code one day to purchase some food for the house but spent this money on car parts and clothes etc. We had a big set to but his mother basically dismissed this again and he only paid back less than half of this  while still not paying his board. He then bought a house with money given to him by his deceased grand parents and rented this out to a couple drawing over £500,00 per month from this plus his wage and still wont pay any board  he now owes the household over £1.000 in back board yet still his mother defends him saying he has to have a life etc. She wont speak to him and he scarpers from me as soon as he can. He has now installed his girlfriend in the house and both eat, sleep, wash and live there lives on our expense. And still he wont pay. I have threatened that if this cannot be sorted properly and reasonably then it is tie he moved out  but again my wife wont hear of it and it causes problems. I know he is stealing money from her and her purse and she does also  but says nothing. He wont do anything round the house I ask him and if we go away for a couple of days she asks him and I ask him to feed our dog and walk him etc  yet when we get back the dog hasn't been fed properly or exercised as we have cctv on the house and I can see yet he still wont have it we now have to spend money on a dog minder if we go away while he lazy,s in the house or party,s I have even showed my wife the footage but still she just laughs it off when it is cruel to the dog and extremely lazy and disrespectful. But he is clever at how he does this  ie  feeds it just before we come home  so it looks like he has done it all weekend etc. When I can clearly see he hasn't. He leaves all the lights on in the house full time wont close any doors or windows and leaves the house unlocked and open heating blaring away and windows and doors open  I am going nutty at this and he doesn't care one bit. We pay for his gym weekly yet still he wont contribute to the household and to top matters his girlfriend is as bad.  Any ideas anyone ?

Frustrated and annoyed married man

[#3]

Hi,

It seems to me that before you can tackle your step son or at least make any headway with him you and your wife have to both sing from the same hymn sheet. At the moment it seems as if you are being undermined by your wife when it comes to her son and unless she changes I think you are always going to struggle.

Your step son knows that he can manipulate his mother and get away with things and unless she changes he will continue to go his own sweet way.

She is the one who has to change. It's no good her laughing at his antics when they are affecting you so deeply and costing the household so much.

I'd think about getting a lock for the freezer and cupboards for your own food and toiletries. Bit drastic maybe but someone needs to learn to respect other people's stuff.

Owly x

[#4]

My first feeling on reading all this is that you are puttting your relationship with your wife at risk. She may well think he is her blue eyed boy (he is her baby after all) but unless you both agree that something needs to be done the current atmosphere in your home will never be resolved.

Obviously he can't be expected to carry on behaving like this and he has to learn that he has responsibilities. Maybe the best way forward would be to tackle one or two small issues, suggesting them to his mum first. Definitely don't continue with the current battle of wills. That way he knows he as the upper hand and is manipulating both of you.

Definitely do what Owly has suggested and make sure any of your food is not available for stepson and girlfriend if that is at all possible. 

[#5]

Do you know why your wife lets him get away with this? My brother's behaviour is actually very similar to your stepson's, and my mum lets him continue because she feels guilty about my dad not being around when we were younger, and because she's scared that he won't come back if he leaves. Do you think your wife is trying to make up for anything that's happened in the past? Maybe when she met you she told herself she'd always put her son first, and that's what she thinks she's doing now. 

I think as long as your wife keeps siding with your stepson he has no reason to change. Maybe you could tell her that you're concerned about how he's managing his money, which will cause problems in the future, and you'd like to help him with that while he's still living with you. You might find it easier to get your wife to insist that he pays you if you put some of the money into a savings account for him so you can surprise him when he wants to move out, or buy a car or something. It's not ideal, but your wife supporting you and making him conttribute would send a strong message, even if he's still costing you money. You could also say that you're worried that he might start stealing from his job, and that you'd prefer it if he could learn that there's a consequence for stealing with him getting a criminal record.

You could also try to get to know his girlfriend a bit better. She's might be doing what your stepson does because she thinks that's how things are done in your house. Does she know how you feel about what your stepson is doing? If you start talking to her about things like her job and her family then you might, over time, get her on your side.

A few weeks age my brother started to turn the heating up even though the windows were open, so my mature and reasonable way of dealing with that was to lock the windows and "lose" the key. I've also turned the theromostat for the heating down and he hasn't even noticed. It's worth doing things like that if you think you'll be able to.