[#1]

My daughter has just come home from spending the night at her dads, and 2 miniutes in, we've had a blazing row. Basically, she's currently learning to drive, and a couple of times I have gone out with her, but to be honest I am s**t scared, I haven't driven in years and have lost all confidence when it comes to being on the road, so on this occasion when she aked if I'd go with her I dared to say 'no' to her. You would have thought I was on trial for murder the way she turned on me, caling me all the names under the sun, bad mouthing both me and my fiance. She claims that her and her sisters are all so down right miserable and depressed since I split with their dad (6 years ago!!) but the thing that really hits me hard is when she claims that I just don't care about them, only myself and my fiance.

I feel numb really, I do everything I can to try to please everyone, but obviously I've failed somewhere down the line, feeling very very sad right now..

Anyone got any suggestions?

[#2]

My daughter has just come home from spending the night at her dads, and 2 miniutes in, we've had a blazing row. Basically, she's currently learning to drive, and a couple of times I have gone out with her, but to be honest I am s**t scared, I haven't driven in years and have lost all confidence when it comes to being on the road, so on this occasion when she aked if I'd go with her I dared to say 'no' to her. You would have thought I was on trial for murder the way she turned on me, caling me all the names under the sun, bad mouthing both me and my fiance. She claims that her and her sisters are all so down right miserable and depressed since I split with their dad (6 years ago!!) but the thing that really hits me hard is when she claims that I just don't care about them, only myself and my fiance.

I feel numb really, I do everything I can to try to please everyone, but obviously I've failed somewhere down the line, feeling very very sad right now..

Anyone got any suggestions?

[#3]

I think your daughter's reaction showed that you did the right thing in turning her down. She is obviously too used to getting her own way and thinks a reaction like that is acceptable and likely to reverse your decision or else just said to make herself feel better.

I hope she has the awareness when she has calmed down to realise just how out of order she was. You have every right to say no to something that scares you. Far better a reaction like this than putting her in danger as a result of panicking out on the road.

She is a silly girl who cannot see that your decision wasn't just about you but about keeping her safe too.

There will be times when she refuses someone something and they won't like it. That's life. She'd better get used to it and the sooner the better.

I wouldn't apologise, it's she who should apologise to you and I'd carry on as normal and not let it show that her words stung. They were designed to but it doesn't make what she spouted, the truth.

Owly x

[#4]

tell the little madam to grow up!

Don't think you've said how old she is but this is the sort of thing my DS tried when he was about 16. He was very firmly told that his behaviour was unacceptable.

[#5]

Don't thin for one minute you have failed. Your daughter was just angry and lashing out by saying things she knew would hurt you. I think sometimes it's part of growing up. Our kids say hurtful things but they don't mean them.
Your daughter is used to getting her own way. She may even be slightly jealous of your fiancé.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to take what she's said to heart.

Does your daughter know you're scared when out in the car? Maybe if she knew how you felt she would be a bit more understanding.

[#6]

I never went out with my son for the same reason.  I did pay for his lessons though, so he had to deal with it.

When he had had a few lessons though I did take him to a local industrial estate on a Sunday to practice three point turns and reversing.

I think unless your a confident co-driver then you are right not to go out with her.  I know it was right for me not to go out with my son.

My daughter is wanting to start to learn now, and I won't be going out with her either.

Stick to your guns here though.  You shouldn't be feeling bad about saying no. 

Sadly I have found with teenagers that they really are incredibly selfish and thoughtless, with the odd bit of nice-ness chucked in to remind us that they are still in there somewhere.

[#7]

I don't think it's a good idea to go out with a learner no matter how confident you are. I'm a confident driver but I bet I've picked up bad habits along the way that I don't want to pass on. Also being able to drive is different from teaching someone to drive.

I know lessons are very expensive but then so is the whole motoring experience. :-( My DS is 21 (yesterday!) and has chosen not to learn to drive yet. Insurance is so expensive even if he could afford a car the insurance would cripple him. It's so unfair for youngsters today. I was lucky in that I passed at 17 and insurance was a lot more reasonable then. It's not the same today.

How are things with your DD now?

[#8]

It sounds like your daughter is more upset about something to do with your fiance than you saying no to her. She might feel that you do care more about your fiance than her, even if there's no justification for it, because at her age you think everything is, and should be, about you. In my opinion, though, it's difficult to believe that people who try to keep everybody happy, as you say you do, really care about you. They just seem to avoid conflict at all costs, so it's like they have no opinions of their own, which of course means they don't really care, or that's how it comes across. I'm not sure if that applies to your situation though.

I don't know how things are with your daughter now, but this sounds like a normal arguement for a teenager and her mother. I know I had similar arguments with my mother when I was younger. I do think whether your daughter knew you're scared is important though, because if she did she was being very immature and insensitive and you should expect her to apologise. If she didn't, she probably felt like you don't care about her because you're not willing to take part in something important to her.