[#1]

Hi everyone, I'm somewhat of a lurker on these boards but recently I found myself needing some advice and not really sure which way to turn.

My boyfriend and I are both in our early to mid twenties, we have been together 18 months and we live together. I wouldn't consider myself to have a low sex drive, but his has always been higher than mine until recently.

It all started about a month ago when he turned me down for sex. Now this might not seem like much of a big deal, but it was the first time this had ever happened. He has said to me previously that he's never "not in the mood" and he's never "too tired" and would just stay in bed with me all day just going again and again if he could. Now after the first time it happened, it's just been happening more. He'll give me a few kisses but when I try and take it further he'll say he's tired and roll over. This happens about 50% of the time. Bear in mind it is not very often I will turn him down for sex, but it has happened throughout our relationship. But with him it's just happened very suddenly and it's really throwing me off.

We do live together and sometimes get in each others pockets a little bit, so sometimes he or I will visit friends or family out of town, just for a couple of nights, and when we return we've realised how much we missed each other, and it's like pressing a reset button, and of course normally he cant wait to get me into bed.

But this week I went away to visit family for a whole week without him, and when I came back I got a kiss and a cuddle, then he went to bed. Then the next night, he gave me a kiss goodnight, and said rather than come to bed he's going to stay up and play video games for a bit. WEIRD. This now makes it 10 days since we have had sex and I don't think we've ever gone that long, and it's really upsetting me cause it just makes me feel so close to him.

And it's putting me off trying, I feel self conscious, I don't feel sexy. I dont feel like getting into my really sexy undies because I'll just feel like a fool if I get turned down again. It's having a real knock on affect on my self confidence which has never been particularly high anyway.

I get that people, even men, aren't always in the mood, it's just that its happened to suddenly. Also this is my first proper relationship so I don't really know what is supposed to happen after you have been together a while, so of course I keep over reacting, and have come to the conclusion that he is either cheating on me or going off me. He says neither of these are true, my gut feeling knows he'd never cheat on me, and he breaks down at the thought of losing me. I don't think he's under any stress, He has a really laid back, low responsibilty job. We dont argue. He is going in the army but that's still early days yet. He has started spending more time at the gym.

He says just because he's not in the mood sometimes doesnt mean there's anything wrong. But it's most of the time, and its happened so suddenly.

Can anybody shed some light on this for me?

Thanks

TK

[#2]

Hi everyone, I'm somewhat of a lurker on these boards but recently I found myself needing some advice and not really sure which way to turn.

My boyfriend and I are both in our early to mid twenties, we have been together 18 months and we live together. I wouldn't consider myself to have a low sex drive, but his has always been higher than mine until recently.

It all started about a month ago when he turned me down for sex. Now this might not seem like much of a big deal, but it was the first time this had ever happened. He has said to me previously that he's never "not in the mood" and he's never "too tired" and would just stay in bed with me all day just going again and again if he could. Now after the first time it happened, it's just been happening more. He'll give me a few kisses but when I try and take it further he'll say he's tired and roll over. This happens about 50% of the time. Bear in mind it is not very often I will turn him down for sex, but it has happened throughout our relationship. But with him it's just happened very suddenly and it's really throwing me off.

We do live together and sometimes get in each others pockets a little bit, so sometimes he or I will visit friends or family out of town, just for a couple of nights, and when we return we've realised how much we missed each other, and it's like pressing a reset button, and of course normally he cant wait to get me into bed.

But this week I went away to visit family for a whole week without him, and when I came back I got a kiss and a cuddle, then he went to bed. Then the next night, he gave me a kiss goodnight, and said rather than come to bed he's going to stay up and play video games for a bit. WEIRD. This now makes it 10 days since we have had sex and I don't think we've ever gone that long, and it's really upsetting me cause it just makes me feel so close to him.

And it's putting me off trying, I feel self conscious, I don't feel sexy. I dont feel like getting into my really sexy undies because I'll just feel like a fool if I get turned down again. It's having a real knock on affect on my self confidence which has never been particularly high anyway.

I get that people, even men, aren't always in the mood, it's just that its happened to suddenly. Also this is my first proper relationship so I don't really know what is supposed to happen after you have been together a while, so of course I keep over reacting, and have come to the conclusion that he is either cheating on me or going off me. He says neither of these are true, my gut feeling knows he'd never cheat on me, and he breaks down at the thought of losing me. I don't think he's under any stress, He has a really laid back, low responsibilty job. We dont argue. He is going in the army but that's still early days yet. He has started spending more time at the gym.

He says just because he's not in the mood sometimes doesnt mean there's anything wrong. But it's most of the time, and its happened so suddenly.

Can anybody shed some light on this for me?

Thanks

TK

[#3]

Hi TK,

I wanted to reply as the post was looking a bit lonely!  Has anything changed in his life recently for example work or family?  I am trying to think of reasons why people go off sex and it could be:

-stress/depression, cheating, lost interest in partner, illness.

How is he outside of the bedroom?  Is he still acting the same and being affectionate or are you just getting the odd kiss and hug?  If he is the same as he was before not wanting sex then I don't think he is cheating.

You say he is spending more time at the gym. Has he got reasons to do this e.g. needing to lose weight or get fit for the army? Maybe going in the army is affecting him. He might be worried about that.

Can he talk to you about this easily? I find writing things down is sometimes easier with men as they aren't as good as us at talking about feelings.

It must be making you feel down as I know how it feels to not feel wanted. It turns you off completely as well. My advice is don't leave it and just hope it will improve. Communication is the key to this and even if he insists there isn't an issue, there will be an explanation. He just needs it dragging out of him!

Let me know how you get on

xx

[#4]

Hi there, thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think falls under the stress/depression category! He;s just not himself. He's still very affectionate, a little more needy than usual. Just not as smiley. He has said he doesn't know what's up with him, he just isnt himself and will get back to normal soon. I just wish I knew how to help him

[#5]

Hi TK,

I'd say just keep being there for him and keep talking to him.  If he doesn't get any better I'd suggest he goes to speak to his GP.  Even if he can't put a finger on why he is feeling down he may be able to get some help.

xx

[#6]

Hi TK,

I have only just come across this posting, and I sincerely hope that things have got better over the Christmas and New Year period.

For a man to suddenly drop off the edge as you describe indicates to me that he has been subject to a trauma (in the strict sense).   Has he lost a close friend, whetther that be male or female, say a school friend or someone he has known for along time; even his parent(s) or a sibling?

This needs to be handled very carefully in a quite room as in the psycological sense you are now deal with what is know as a "Parent-Child" situation.   Children go very quiete when they are frightened or insecure about something, and in this case it could be something medical he has discovered but too frightened to discuss in case you react sharply.  Equally it could be that he has found out something about his work, for example he has been served with a redundancy notice.   For a man loosing your job is very traumatic, particularly if you have been in that job for a long time and thought you were well thought of.   Sometimes redundancy is not to do with short commings and as a Manager who has had to make redundancy decisions, it is no easy decision to make which member of staff is to be removed from office.  However, the immeidate reaction for anyone being made redundant the usual feeling is rejection and lack of worthiness.  If that is the case, I would look at moving away from where you live to find a new job, unless you are employed locally and that would cause a problem with being in completly different areas.

For some reason, girls/women seem to bounce back from things like redundancy a lot easier than men, in part I suppose to the subliminal macho element of being the "bread-winner".  

I think you need to sit down in a quiete room together and slowly find out what is up setting him, and be as supportive.         The phrase: " I still love you, no matter" will always positive particularly if they are said calmly. f it is trauma you are dealing with it needs to be handled carefully, and like a child expect tears.  Yes, men cry too, and let him realise you accept that.

With very special huggs, and hope that you get to the bottom of this quickly; and also hope that I have not intruded too much.

Love

Patsy  (())

xx