[#1]

I’m really struggling to manage my time and get on top of my stress levels at the moment and I feel like I’m close to breaking point.

My diary seems to be constantly full and I never seem to be able to fit everything in let alone allow for downtime.  I’m always trying to fit everything and everybody in and I can’t keep it up.  But when I say no to things I get agro, e.g. one of my friends I’ve not seen for a couple of weeks text me to say I’ve made her feel disposable.  Looking back at my diary I’ve spent time with her nearly every weekend this year and have even taken time off work to help her out.  

It really upset me because a) am I being a bad friend because I haven’t made time for her and are other friends feeling like this or b) is she being selfish expecting me to put her before everything else.  I’m so frazzled I don’t know what to think/do.  The truth is I enjoy spending time with her but she can be quite needy and I can’t keep up this level of dedication to her.  I can’t physically be in 2 places at once or keep up doing something every night/day just to make sure I see everyone.  Spending time with friends has become a tick on my to do list rather than enjoyable and that’s not right.  Then when I back off or prioritise time with my other half, friends I’ve not seen in a while or just for myself I get told I’m a bad friend by those who want to see me all the time.  I constantly get comments about how I’m busy all the time and I don’t mean to be, my time just seems to get booked up.  I then reach breaking point and end up feeling unwell, worn out and not wanting to do anything.  I never seem to be able to catch up with myself.  Other friends seem to be understanding but then I worry I’ve made them feel ‘disposable’ too.  So then I overcompensate and start trying to fit everybody in again! 

It’s really causing me a lot of stress and upset as I feel like I can’t keep everybody happy all the time plus get priority things done like studying, chores, wedding planning etc.  I don’t want to lose friends and say no to people all the time but I can’t keep saying yes either. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

E xx

[#2]

I’m really struggling to manage my time and get on top of my stress levels at the moment and I feel like I’m close to breaking point.

My diary seems to be constantly full and I never seem to be able to fit everything in let alone allow for downtime.  I’m always trying to fit everything and everybody in and I can’t keep it up.  But when I say no to things I get agro, e.g. one of my friends I’ve not seen for a couple of weeks text me to say I’ve made her feel disposable.  Looking back at my diary I’ve spent time with her nearly every weekend this year and have even taken time off work to help her out.  

It really upset me because a) am I being a bad friend because I haven’t made time for her and are other friends feeling like this or b) is she being selfish expecting me to put her before everything else.  I’m so frazzled I don’t know what to think/do.  The truth is I enjoy spending time with her but she can be quite needy and I can’t keep up this level of dedication to her.  I can’t physically be in 2 places at once or keep up doing something every night/day just to make sure I see everyone.  Spending time with friends has become a tick on my to do list rather than enjoyable and that’s not right.  Then when I back off or prioritise time with my other half, friends I’ve not seen in a while or just for myself I get told I’m a bad friend by those who want to see me all the time.  I constantly get comments about how I’m busy all the time and I don’t mean to be, my time just seems to get booked up.  I then reach breaking point and end up feeling unwell, worn out and not wanting to do anything.  I never seem to be able to catch up with myself.  Other friends seem to be understanding but then I worry I’ve made them feel ‘disposable’ too.  So then I overcompensate and start trying to fit everybody in again! 

It’s really causing me a lot of stress and upset as I feel like I can’t keep everybody happy all the time plus get priority things done like studying, chores, wedding planning etc.  I don’t want to lose friends and say no to people all the time but I can’t keep saying yes either. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

E xx

[#3]

You're a friend, that doesn't mean it's your job to be a full time entertainer, hotelier, agony aunt or anything else.

Sounds like your friend sees you as a crutch and relies on you to look after her (in a social sense). Saying no to her and other people is fine, if they feel disposable because you decline an invitation once or twice is their problem to deal with not your problem to take on. If they don't respect that you have a life that doesn't involve them then they should be taking a look at themselves not chucking hurtful words around.

You've done nothing wrong. I think not being too available can be a good idea, you get to step back and think about when you do and don't want to socialise, and it is not worth making yourself ill over. It's like work, if you respond to an email immediately then people come to expect you to respond immediately and if you don't it's a big thing. If you wait and deal with the email when you can, when it's appropriate and in order of priority then people don't push to get an answer straight away. Building in a buffer and having time for yourself is just as important as being with friends. 

[#4]

Thank you for your support and advice - it's very assuring!

I've been mulling the situation over in my head all week (going slightly crazy!) and go from feeling frustrated and annoyed one minute to upset and guilty the next.

I think it's because I don't want to lose her as a friend completely but really need her to back off and not give me agro when I'm busy, want time to myself or seeing other friends etc.  She's definitely a Dependant character and I know she's pushed other friends and even family members away because she's so demanding and needy.  

I'm meeting up with her tomorrow night to talk things through and I'm actually quite nervous.  I'm not sure how to go about making my point without either letting her walk all over me or flying off the handle at her (totally out of character for me) because it's been stressing me out so much!  I think I'm going to just try to stay calm and explain that when I'm busy etc it's nothing personal and I have a lot going on right now.  I don't think she'll accept this and am expecting to be put on a guilt trip and not really sure how to handle this, will just have to stand my ground I guess.

All this agro is ridiculous!  I'm such a people pleaser and I'm annoyed at myself for getting into this situation.  I envy people who can stand up for themselves and not worry what other people think all the time.  I'm usually so laid back but right now I feel like I'm going to snap and may end up being too harsh and regretting it.  I seem to be one extreme or the other.  My brain is obviously still frazzled....

Anyways, will let you know how it goes!  

E xx

[#5]

Thank you for your support and advice - it's very assuring!

I've been mulling the situation over in my head all week (going slightly crazy!) and go from feeling frustrated and annoyed one minute to upset and guilty the next.

I think it's because I don't want to lose her as a friend completely but really need her to back off and not give me agro when I'm busy, want time to myself or seeing other friends etc.  She's definitely a Dependant character and I know she's pushed other friends and even family members away because she's so demanding and needy.  

I'm meeting up with her tomorrow night to talk things through and I'm actually quite nervous.  I'm not sure how to go about making my point without either letting her walk all over me or flying off the handle at her (totally out of character for me) because it's been stressing me out so much!  I think I'm going to just try to stay calm and explain that when I'm busy etc it's nothing personal and I have a lot going on right now.  I don't think she'll accept this and am expecting to be put on a guilt trip and not really sure how to handle this, will just have to stand my ground I guess.

All this agro is ridiculous!  I'm such a people pleaser and I'm annoyed at myself for getting into this situation.  I envy people who can stand up for themselves and not worry what other people think all the time.  I'm usually so laid back but right now I feel like I'm going to snap and may end up being too harsh and regretting it.  I seem to be one extreme or the other.  My brain is obviously still frazzled....

Anyways, will let you know how it goes!  

E xx

[#6]

Hope you got on ok with your friend, and even if it didn't, you're not responsible for her feelings about it. You're doing nothing unreasonable. Hope you're enjoying your weekend 

[#7]

Thank you Sam.

The meet up actually went better than expected I'm relieved to say!  After avoiding the situation over dinner I plucked up the courage to say that her text earlier in the week (about her being a disposable friend) had upset me.  I said that I value our friendship but can't dedicate all my time to her and then be made to feel guilty when I'm busy doing other things.  I also said that right now I'm not up for going out every weekend etc like she wants and actually enjoy staying in and getting jobs done or just chilling with a DVD.  

She seemed to get it and explained how she was finding it hard because she is single and feels very alone and wants someone to want to spend time with her etc.  I said that this was perfectly natural and completely understood and that doing stuff with people is great but that she should try not to take it to heart when people can't do things all the time.

So we had a good chat and I think I got my point across without being nasty (like I was worried about).  I think it helped her to be told straight rather than pandering to her needs and we ended up putting together a list of things she could do to help her be happier and keep her busy so that she doesn't have to rely on people so much.

I went to bed with a massive headache from the stress of the week but it is such a relief to have done it.  It actually felt really good to be honest and address the issue rather than ignore it like I have been doing and hopefully will help our friendship in the long term.

For the first time in what seems like ages I've done exactly what I've wanted to today and not felt bad about it or like I was letting anyone down!  Let's hope I can keep it up.

Thank you!

E xx

[#8]

Fantastic, glad it went well.