[#1]

Hi all,

My daughter is 27 months old, her father has seen her the grand total of twice, once when she was 5 weeks old and again a week after her first birthday. He has 2 boys from a previous relationship whom he sees every second weekend. He has never bought her Christmas or birthday presents and non of his family have been involved in her life!

We split up when I was 3 months pregnant and endured a lot of abuse (text messages telling me to F off and die), this started up again at the beginning if the year and I eventually called the police, he was warned not to contact me again.

A month ago he started getting in touch again but not asking how his daughter was but more interested in what I have been up to. I told him that the only thing he should be concerned about is his daughter! He then asked me to go down and see the place he has moved to (he lived with his parents after we split), I reminded him that it was not my responsibility to take her to him, if he wants to see her he has to make an effort, he said he no longer has a car so can't get here so I mentioned that there are such things as trains!! His response was he doesn't use public transport. WTF!! He said that I was not helping him at all - I'm hello you haven't bothered for 2 years!!!

Next message was saying the next time he has his boys he wants to take them to the beach and wants his daughter to go to, he must be mad if he thinks I will allow that, he is a stranger to her. I said no! He then said he would bring his boys and his mom and dad up in 3 weeks, I said no it would be too much for her. So he said he would bring just his mom and dad, I never replied. Today I get a text asking if 11th August is okay and he wants an answer, as I as at work I didn't answer and within 10 minutes I get another saying that he takes it as a no cause of my lack of response.

I don't want and would not stop him from seeing her, but I am not prepared to let him flit in and out of her life, he would need to commit to seeing her on a regular basis (not alone). I can not see this happening as he has no car, won't use trains and would need to bring mom and dad each time as there is no way I am going to him!

I don't want her to be let down and it have an impact in her as to be honest we are doing very well without him!

Your thoughts?

C x

[#2]

Hi all,

My daughter is 27 months old, her father has seen her the grand total of twice, once when she was 5 weeks old and again a week after her first birthday. He has 2 boys from a previous relationship whom he sees every second weekend. He has never bought her Christmas or birthday presents and non of his family have been involved in her life!

We split up when I was 3 months pregnant and endured a lot of abuse (text messages telling me to F off and die), this started up again at the beginning if the year and I eventually called the police, he was warned not to contact me again.

A month ago he started getting in touch again but not asking how his daughter was but more interested in what I have been up to. I told him that the only thing he should be concerned about is his daughter! He then asked me to go down and see the place he has moved to (he lived with his parents after we split), I reminded him that it was not my responsibility to take her to him, if he wants to see her he has to make an effort, he said he no longer has a car so can't get here so I mentioned that there are such things as trains!! His response was he doesn't use public transport. WTF!! He said that I was not helping him at all - I'm hello you haven't bothered for 2 years!!!

Next message was saying the next time he has his boys he wants to take them to the beach and wants his daughter to go to, he must be mad if he thinks I will allow that, he is a stranger to her. I said no! He then said he would bring his boys and his mom and dad up in 3 weeks, I said no it would be too much for her. So he said he would bring just his mom and dad, I never replied. Today I get a text asking if 11th August is okay and he wants an answer, as I as at work I didn't answer and within 10 minutes I get another saying that he takes it as a no cause of my lack of response.

I don't want and would not stop him from seeing her, but I am not prepared to let him flit in and out of her life, he would need to commit to seeing her on a regular basis (not alone). I can not see this happening as he has no car, won't use trains and would need to bring mom and dad each time as there is no way I am going to him!

I don't want her to be let down and it have an impact in her as to be honest we are doing very well without him!

Your thoughts?

C x

[#3]

I was a single parent after the birth of my eldest and my middle child and I handled each situation differently - with the eldest who was born when I was 17 yrs of age, I took him to meet him dad and his dads family when he was 18 mths of age.  I did not want them to say to me when my son was 16 yrs of age, you never gave us chance to see our grandchild. However they never followed up the relationship with their grandchild.  When he was 3yrs of age his dad saw him again (at my request due to my son been in hospital) but he decided not to follow up after my son left hospital (this was because I was in a relationship and about to get married) his dad contacted again when he was 6 yrs of age when he said he was now grown up (he 27yrs of age and his marriage had just failed) and wanted regular contact - he only turned up for 2 weekends!!

My son was able to remember the visit when he was 6 yrs old.  My son as a young man and when he was drunk (aged between 22yrs and 25yrs) would ring me and ask why his dad never wanted to see him or provide for him etc (the only time he would discuss it was when he was drunk) - I found his dad again last year and they managed to speak to each other.  My eldest son (then 25yrs) has now decided NOT to have a relationship with his dad because he met him as a man and did not like him as a person.  His father has lost out. My son hated the fact his father was a single dad to his youngest child but totally ignored him when he was given opportunity to see him because he knows I would have not stopped his dad from seeing him.  He says I was 17 when he was born and had to be a parent - his dad was 21yrs at the time and should have been old enough to be a parent (bearing in mind this is my son at 25yrs talking to me)

my middle child, I encouraged (even bullied my childs father to have a relationship with him) I would drop him off every other weekend at his paternal grandparents house (they lived in the same town as me at the time) so that he could have contact with him.  His dad was very hit and miss with his contact and for over a year did not visit him at his grandparents home.  My middle son is now 12 years and is now making up his own mid about his father and has admitted he wants to see his grandparents and not his father and his new family (he has now married).  I have told my son that he does not have to continue to visit if he does not want to - his response was he will go to make him happy because he knows his dad now wants to see him.  But he is frustrated that his dad does not really want him because he feels that is new wife's family is more important to him than his own son

each time I see it as the dads that have messed up. Each time I encouraged contact because I did not want my kids to turn round and say you kept my dad and his family from me.  The hardest think I find to deal with is that the grandparents want to see their grandson more that his own father.  But that is his fathers fault and not mine. 

for your own well being as a parent you do not want your child to say you prevented them from having a relationship with their father and his family.  When I made initial contact with grandparents / fathers I did it in writing to advise when and where we would meet. The fact I would not leave my child (18mths in respect of my eldest son) with people that they did not know. However when my eldest child was 6 yrs I did leave him with his dad for 2 hrs due to my sons age on the two times he visited

if dad makes its a regular contact visit and you are confident that he can care for your child then you will feel more confident to allow him to introduce your child to their elder siblings.  I think that father and child need to bond before he introduces his other children to the youngest member of their family.  After all the elder siblings have not been in your childs life from day one.

you need to take it slowly for yourself and your child emotionally because their will be a lot of mixed and messed up feelings coming your way relating to how he parents his other children  (why he was there for them and not your child etc) and how you want him to parent your child (punishments etc).  It is a hard road to travel either way - with or without a father around because of different issues that come your way on the journey to adulthood but it can have a very negative impact on the child if they believe you kept their father from them especially if dad wants to be involved (because you can be SURE HE WILL SAY will say "it was your mother you kept me from you - it is all her fault you did not see me" and as a parent you have enough worries and stresses without that one) . 

you just need to control how and when that contact takes place and be there to pick up the pieces when and if he lets your child down.  And if he does let you down you can tell your child then the father did not meet his end of the contact agreement and not you - he failed and not you

my eldest son knows that he met his dad when he was 18mths / 3yrs (even though he cant remember and his father confirmed when they chatted) and 6yrs - so I did my bit and I was his father you failed and that is how my eldest son sees its

going on and on now

sorry

[#4]

To be honest it just sounds like he's a bit bored and wants to show off his daughter to his family. I agree that you need to make sure no one can blame you for his lack of contact, though. I think you should explain to him that your daughter needs to get to know him first. He'll probably see her twice and then make more excuses not to see her again.

I also think you should keep a record of all contact involving your daughter though, in case he decides to be difficult later. My father spent 4 years trying to get more time with me and my siblings, even though he didn't turn up on the days we were supposed to spend with him. Obviously I hope this won't happen to you, but it's possible that his parents are pressuring him to see her and he's trying to blame you.  If you write it down when he says he won't visit her because he doesn't use public transport and when you say he can't take her out because she doesn't know him, then he can't use these things against you and you'll have a record of his lack of interest.

You could also go to a solicitor to arrange regular visits. Tell him that's what you're going to do before you do it and see what he says. There is a chance that he really wants to see her and doing this gives you a lot of control. Based on what you've said though, he'll strat making more excuses.  

[#5]

It's a difficult one really, as things did get so difficult.

You say that you don't want to stop contact, so things need to be set up to arrange this.

As for not wanting him to flit in and out of her life, I understand this. 

You could refuse and then see if he wants to take things further to establish contact.  Do you think he would take things to court?

Any texts you receive that don't regard your daughter do not reply to. You have replied to personal texts which mean he'll be getting under your skin again.

How did you get on with his parents?  As you know I'd have been lost without the support of my ex-in-laws (my FiL died recently and I miss him incredibly).

The Git does flit in and out of the lives of this lot.  They're older and really I don't think that makes things easier for them.  He saw them twice last year, and so far twice this year (for his Father's funeral and his wife's daughter's graduation). 

However, my lot have had the security and support of their grandparents.

I was married for 20 years.  Each child was planned - yet they do not have birthday or Christmas presents or cards.  My daughter was 18 this year and didn't even get a phone call.

Yet they love him.

I just feel C that if you do want to allow contact then it needs to start somewhere.  His parents there would perhaps be a chance of a frank and child focused discussion. 

Also, as your daughter does not know them from adam, you have absolute right to refuse them time alone with them.

As he does have a relationship with his sons, it does seem that he could well be a reasonable Dad.  It would be a case though of moving on from the hostility that went on.

Mediation might be a reasonable suggestion though, if he does seem committed, with gradually building up time so father and daughter get to know each other.

Just my thoughts...

Meanwhile I hope you're doing ok, and all your family are too.

[#6]

We are all so very different in how we approach this subject of children.

Women here have identified the situation with their own situation and, for me, to be honest, every situation is different, with similarities.

The first thing that is of concern is your child and how no contact/some contact will impact on her. So no matter how you look at this there will be impact.

Although he hasn't seen his daughter for 2 years; he, as a father, still has rights to see his child.  You can control this situation with supervised contact and ensure that your child is protected.

1) Inform him that he can have contact, supervised i.e. with you present and only him initially so that you don't feel intimidated.

2) If he really wants to see his daughter, he'll make that effort and travel. Tell him that you'd love his daughter to establish a relationship with him, but it has to be comfortable and easy for your baby.  Unless you have a vehicle children travelling can be tetchy on arrival of any destination. Remind him that it was his decision to remove himself from his daughter's life and now he has to make up some grounds on trust with you and his daughter.  If he is reasonable, he'll understand that you have your daughter's interests and heart and that this is not about how you feel.

3) Explain to him that you need consistency and reliability in your daughter's life and he has to prove that he can be trusted to provide this. Again, if he argues the case, explain that it was his decision to remove himself from his daughter's life and you are protecting her as your daughter's 24/7 carer.

4) Explain also that you have no objection to his family having contact with their grand-daughter, but it must be positive contact with the same trusting pre-requisites.

5) Finally, time alone with your daughter comes in time, providing that a) they've established a POSITIVE relationship with your daughter over time and that b) your daughter is not privy to negative commentary about you - ultimately this is about your daughter and how she fares in all of this.

I don't envy your position.

I am a grandmother and can identify with the father's position in some respects.  My son's breakup with his girlfriend was very similar to yours.  I took a different path.  I could see that all was not well prior to my grandson being born but made the decision that my grand-child would be part of my life no matter what happened - even if that meant through the legal process.  I took the grief that my son should have taken from his girlfriend (it wasn't a good situation and my son didn't behave particularly well), but every weekend I presented myself to his ex to establish a relationship with my grandson and his mummy. I kept out of their personal grievances and kept my opinions completely to myself.  It was a hard road, but I had one focus in mind - my grandson. Four years on I have a wonderful relationship with my son's girlfriend, who I call my daughter in law; the relationship is based on trust and honesty.  I have my grandson every weekend and have had for the last 4 years.  She can ring me at any time and she has my full support.  My grandson and I have a beautiful relationship.

You may not know how your ex's family feel about their son's behaviour; he may have given a distorted view of events.  What you can possibly do prior to any access to your daughter is arrange to meet up with all parties concerned and explain how you feel, where you stand and how much you would love your daughter to know her father, but due to past events you have reservations and that they have to take things slowly and with purpose.  Explain that you are not denying access but that you have to be assured of a positive, consistent and reliable access.

Hope my comments help you.