[#1]

Hiya am new to this board but could do with a little advice.

My 6 year old sons behavior is driving me crazy and have no clue what to do with him. He won't listen or do as he is told, he has been breaking his toys when he used to look after them. When asked why he has done something she shouldn't have he either says 'I don't know why I did it' or 'so n so is allowed'. My partner and I have raised him quite strictly, he has to have manors, go to bed at a set time, eat sitting at a table with a knife and fork, be kind to others etc. We went to a friends BBQ yesterday and there child there was messing about in the bathroom with water at the sink and running about screaming really loudly (two things my son knows he is not allowed to do). When I told him no he said 'so n so is allowed' which I guess he has a point as the other child parents never correct him and make excuses for his behavior, my DP & I always correct asap. My son is no way perfect and ofc I don't expect him to be but I am sad as we have taught him well and sometimes when he plays with other children who's parents do not seem to care and he copies I often why I bother. Any idea's what to do?

Many thanks

Ally

[#2]

Hiya am new to this board but could do with a little advice.

My 6 year old sons behavior is driving me crazy and have no clue what to do with him. He won't listen or do as he is told, he has been breaking his toys when he used to look after them. When asked why he has done something she shouldn't have he either says 'I don't know why I did it' or 'so n so is allowed'. My partner and I have raised him quite strictly, he has to have manors, go to bed at a set time, eat sitting at a table with a knife and fork, be kind to others etc. We went to a friends BBQ yesterday and there child there was messing about in the bathroom with water at the sink and running about screaming really loudly (two things my son knows he is not allowed to do). When I told him no he said 'so n so is allowed' which I guess he has a point as the other child parents never correct him and make excuses for his behavior, my DP & I always correct asap. My son is no way perfect and ofc I don't expect him to be but I am sad as we have taught him well and sometimes when he plays with other children who's parents do not seem to care and he copies I often why I bother. Any idea's what to do?

Many thanks

Ally

[#3]

Hi Ally,

I do think they go through this phase sometimes when they have started school, particularly if they see other children getting away with bad behaviour. You just need to continue to be firm with him, if he is breaking toys certainly don't replace them, he needs to know he isn't going to get more and eventually I guess he will run out if it is something he is doing regularly. Have you tried a naughty step for when he is behaving badly? I know it works with some children and not others but it's worth a go if you haven't before.

I also see you have a young baby, has this behaviour only started since she was born? Could he be doing it out of jealousy for attention perhaps?

Ashlea x

[#4]

Have you asked his teacher whether he behaves like this at school?

The immediate response to the "So and So is allowed to do it" is ask their parents if he does it  when they are outside your son's company.  It could be a peer pressure thing, even at the age of 6. 

If you have raised him strictly, now that he is on the verge of being able to rationalise (hold two thoughts at once ) he may be doing this as a rebellion for being treated to strictly; particulalry if he has been shouted at. 

Has he seen you and your partner have a heated argument and slam things, if so he may be copying you; even if he was out of sight at the time, say in his bedroom?

The other thing that crosses my mind is that he is stating that he "doesn't know he is doing it"; then ask him, "when did you know that were doing it?"   It is deliberately reversing the question to make him realise that he must be thinking that such behaviour is unacceptable, to draw attention to himself and get your attention as well.

At the friends house, it is a bit difficult since if his friend is splashing around, he will assme that because the other child is allowed to and he is not in his own house then he will be allowed.  If he continues to disobey you, then just tell him that you are packing up and taking him home.   Then do so.  

Is this behaviour occured only recently and again have the teachers at the nursery school noticed it?  If so ask them for feed back as to what may have triggered the out burst while in thier care.  A thought that comes to mind is that he is drawing attention to himself or being bullied by other children.  That in turn can make him have outbursts.

When he throws a stroppy, grasp his wrists together with one hand,  and ankles with the your other hand. that way he can't strike out, and you are safe, more to the point tell him that you won't let go until he stopsm and if he does it again you are going home.

What you need to do here is to set boundaries, and that he knows that if he does something contary to your rules, he will be put to bed, or told to stay in his room.  I am not a great believer of putting children in to rooms as this can move in to the realms of false imprisonment; but leaving the door ajar will allow him to see away out, but you make it clear to him that if comes out of his room and causes more problems then you will have to take him to the Doctor.

Whilst the latter is a bit harsh, children who have behaviour issues will suddenly dislike the idea of another person  asking why they are doing things, particularly if the doctor is wearing the proverbial white (lab) coat.  If you have asked the other people who look after him for feed back, then that in turn can be given to the Doctor, before he meets the child. To that end you will need to make a seperate interview with the Doctor to express your concerns and what you have observed, and then when you and your son are seen by the same Doctor, he will be able to pick up on the issues.   As an aside, how is behaviour in front of a Doctor, even if it is a ordinary check up?

One of the things that is going through my mind is that if one minuet he is happy and playing around, and then starts getting stroppy for no apparent reason, this could be a sign that he is developing bi-polar syndrome, which is a nervous disorder.  A hospital doctor would be able to see this if left  with the boy  in a room with a two-way mirror for a couple of hours. SInce the doctor will not be seen by the the boy, but the doctor may be able to see what is triggering this behaviour.

These are just thoughts, but worth investigating.

[#5]

Lovey, stick to your guns. Your little one knows there are rules that have to be kept. A bit of leeway in the case of a party maybe but not to the extent of doing damage to a home which is what the other child seemed to be doing.

More than likely your DS is very aware of the new baby demanding some of your time. My DS was the same age as yours when his sister was born and I always made sure that the hour or two after he came home from school was his time. If baby sister cried she was told " it is your brother's turn now" Of course she didn't understand but her big brother did.

Another trick is to reward good behaviour. Gold stars on a chart, young schoolchildren love that sort of thing. Then, when he has been awarded an agreed number of stars he gets to have a special treat. Needn't be anything expensive, a chocolate bar or similar. 

And please don't worry. From what you have said your son is behaving in a perfectly normal way and being a perfectly normal and  exhaustiing 7 year old.

hugs
Tabbs

[#6]

Hi Ally,

Your son is at the age now where is is starting to notice what others around him do. I think starting school has a lot to do with that. They try to test their boundaries a lot at this age (and then again when they get to teenagers!)

I think you need to carry on as you are. No child behaves all the time but if he is behaving the majority of the time the it sounds like you have cracked it. :-)

[#7]

I think the gold stars on the calander is a great idea (better than mine: (smileyvery-happy as it is a visual measure of approval by you that he has been a good boy.  A nice large calender so that you can stick more than one star per day, so that gives him an idea how good he was.

As an extention of that idea, and I am open to criticism here, but would a dark blue dot sticker on the day he wasn't good, also motivate him to have more gold stars than dark blue

[#8]

Hi Ally,

I have taught children for more years than I would like to admit to ( way over 30) and my thoughts on reading your post were that, at six, your son is developing an identity away from associating himself as part of mummy and daddy. This means he will notice and followe the behaviour of his peer group especially if other children have a very strong personality. Best thing to do, imho, is to continue with your own format of raising him. Praising good behaviour lavishly and expressing 'sadness' at bad behaviour. Children generally prefer praise over being corrected. They also like to be 'big children' so that helps too.

HTH

Hugs

Jillxx

[#9]

Great advice Jill. I don't think there is a need at 6 years old or any age really to use negativity to motivate.