Hi Dell,
I am sorry to hear your son has encountered this issue. The jump from primary school, even a large one (the one I went to was JMI had seven classes and a total of 120 children full time, with another 60 in "infant" classes) and both my brother and I had a bit of a culture shock when we landed in a school with 600 pupils plus 50 Boarders. So the jump for your son from a small village school of may be 50 children in total, must be collossal !
Boys and girls joining a new social network, having had long friendships at primary school often do find it difficult to fit in immediately, particularly if none of those friends go to the same school as he/she gets transferred to. The fact that he was bullied and withdrawn from the last also causes issues as he may be worried about a repeat performance. It may be best to get him to tell you immediately if there are any problems, and more to the point what they are as soon as possible. Then report the matter to the Headmaster/Mistress, and ask them to monitor the situation.
Regrettably children in senior school do quickly develop a social heiracrchy and can start to move around in groups and moving from one social group to another, and can cause issues. These days peer pressure is collosal even at primary school level, let alone secondary school. You need to tell him that he should not put up with the situation and that if he is having problems relating to bullying, inforn his Year Head or if things get really nasty to the Head Master. That does not mean that he has to walk away, but if he needs to defend himself then he should have no fear to strike back at the agressor; but if he does and is still able again report the matter to the Year Head or Headmaster.
You can teach him non physical manouvres such as shouting " BACK, BACK, BACK" and moving towards the agressors, that will :
a) surprise them
b) they will actually move back as a result of the surprise he can the effect his escape.
If the same children are causing the problem then the matter needs to be escalated. Bullying is recognised more as a problem than it was 30 , even 50 years ago; when it was just brushed off as "part of growing up".
If it is a question of a loss of self-confidence, and he does indeed feel threatened, have you thought of enrolling him in either karate or judo classes?
Remember that the lower ends of both disciplines (and they are disciplines) are self defence and self-confidence. It could turn in to a full sport; or just a confidence builder for the time being. By three months he will know which way he wants to take it, and also the people bullying him will be surprised if he does retaliate and probably back off, particularly if he trips one on the floor.
I would suggest that you keep notes of whether it is certain days that he is having problems with, and check his time table. Do the subjects that he is either not very good at, or the members of that class the same ones who are bullying him?If iy is bullying in the Gym or after football/rugby in the showers, there could be other issues, which I hope is not the case (I don't mean to worry you, but boys and girls are more sexually aware than us adults like to think !), but things like his pubic region is not as well developed as the other boys' ; in the case of of girls it can be breast development, or whether they are the first or last to start their periods.
If it is he needs to tell his Year Head or Form Teacher .These days they take these things more seriously than 30+ years ago. If he gets nowhere, you can write to the school informally asking them to keep an eye on things as you think they may be getting out of hand.
He needs to be aware that he will have to (physcially) fight his way out sometimes, it is part of youth growing up and a system of providing boys with a "pecking order". Girls do similar things but more in a psycological way as not talking to eachother or excluding a girl out the usual social group. At least boys, its a "punch on the nose and that's it", but if it gets out of hand then again you need to take action- albeit from a distance, and again the Year Head or Headmaster, may discipline the other bullys. If you intervene too much, you may make him seem to be "mummy's boy" by the other bratts but you need to be kept informed.
The more subtle and tactful you are, the less of a problem it will be for him to refer the matter himself to the Headmaster, without your intervention, in turn giving him confidence to deal with "senior" people, which regrettably he is going to have to do when he jumps from school to business, since the etiquitte in business is getting that way too.
Tell him that you will back him, and for him to walk away if it is feasible, but always report serious incidents. Taking from one school to another is something you want to beware of since he will never learn to put up a resistance or where to take the matter if it is beyond his means.
It is rather like in grown up life, knowing when to run and get a police officer, or stand up flatten the other person, then run and report it to the Police. Bear in mind that it might not be just bullying in the school playground but "ganging up" by members of other schools, with the ones already causing problems. Boys will usually fight "one-to-one" and rarely get in to the "head-kicking" mode that TV often portrays: they may watch, but rarely only one person carries out the fight.
Sorry that I have gone in to my usual essay type reply, but you do have a potentially awkward situation here. Do not make light of it to him, as he will become even more withdrawn, and that is the last thing either of you need. Equally watch out for signs of serious withdrawl, particularly if it carries on over to the week-ends, or he dreads going to school on the Monday.
The bottom line is you need to discuss it with him quitely, but directly so that you can get the full picture and help him regain confidence that you can be turned to, and if you feel it is getting out of hand he has your 100% support.
I wish you every luck, and if you need to come back for some more help, you know we are all here: similar to the message you need to be sendting out to your own child.
Patsy
xx
As a foot note, you may want to borrow a copy of " About a boy" which is a comedy film, relating to a boy in exactly the same situation as yours, but with the twist that an older man happens to see him being bullied and fends off the other children on one occassion. He then gets more deeply involved with the mother who turns out t be a depressive, and he manages to dig them both out of the situation, as well as by accident getting emotionally involved himself with the principal Bully's mum.
There is a link: www.about-a-boy.com which may give you a preview.
Patsy.
