[#1]

Hi Ladies,

I'm really feeling it at the moment and I need some advice as to how to make life easier!  I am feeling quite trapped and exhausted and like I need to come up for air.  I work Mon - Weds and this involves dropping off DS at school and DD at a childminder (DH does drop off and I go to work early) then I pick up around 4.30pm get home dinner, homework, bath bed etc then our dinner etc... Thurs and Fri are usually spent catching up with washing, cleaning house etc then weekend is the usual trying to do family stuff but each of us have the things we want to do ...

But you know, I know that millions of families do this every day and some with little support and more children! It really is tough working as well as you dont build the relationships at work like you do if you were full time and then you also dont build the relationships with mum's groups as you're only free on the 2 days.

Guilt is a huge deal too as if you do go off on your own at the weekend, I feel guilty for not having 'family' together time and always desperately trying to maximise our time together, feeling guilty for not spending as much time with DS as possible, as he is quite a mummy's boy (in a nice way!)... There is just always endless amount of things to do.  My mum is coming to visit in 2 weeks and it cant come soon enough. 

As for our marriage - when on earth do you get time to work on that!? we are not getting on great at the moment and this is causing probably the greatest stress for me right now.  I can't ask him to help out more as he actually does loads and really does help out more than lots of other husbands I know.  It's me that needs to let go a bit more and not take so much responsibility on my shoulders to do everything, in that respect I wish he did more - like I do all the bill paying and any house things that need sorting.

Agh - anyway - I dont really know what I'm saying I just really needed to vent to ladies that understand.  Oh and also the constant feeling of whether we should move back to the Uk or not - I've never really felt settled here and having support of family in the early years with children is crucial I am now beginning to realise!

Anyway - that's ladies and GO TEAM GB!!!

Lisa x

[#2]

Hi Ladies,

I'm really feeling it at the moment and I need some advice as to how to make life easier!  I am feeling quite trapped and exhausted and like I need to come up for air.  I work Mon - Weds and this involves dropping off DS at school and DD at a childminder (DH does drop off and I go to work early) then I pick up around 4.30pm get home dinner, homework, bath bed etc then our dinner etc... Thurs and Fri are usually spent catching up with washing, cleaning house etc then weekend is the usual trying to do family stuff but each of us have the things we want to do ...

But you know, I know that millions of families do this every day and some with little support and more children! It really is tough working as well as you dont build the relationships at work like you do if you were full time and then you also dont build the relationships with mum's groups as you're only free on the 2 days.

Guilt is a huge deal too as if you do go off on your own at the weekend, I feel guilty for not having 'family' together time and always desperately trying to maximise our time together, feeling guilty for not spending as much time with DS as possible, as he is quite a mummy's boy (in a nice way!)... There is just always endless amount of things to do.  My mum is coming to visit in 2 weeks and it cant come soon enough. 

As for our marriage - when on earth do you get time to work on that!? we are not getting on great at the moment and this is causing probably the greatest stress for me right now.  I can't ask him to help out more as he actually does loads and really does help out more than lots of other husbands I know.  It's me that needs to let go a bit more and not take so much responsibility on my shoulders to do everything, in that respect I wish he did more - like I do all the bill paying and any house things that need sorting.

Agh - anyway - I dont really know what I'm saying I just really needed to vent to ladies that understand.  Oh and also the constant feeling of whether we should move back to the Uk or not - I've never really felt settled here and having support of family in the early years with children is crucial I am now beginning to realise!

Anyway - that's ladies and GO TEAM GB!!!

Lisa x

[#3]

((((HUGS)))) Lisa

It's so hard trying to juggle everything isn't it? Now Sam's at school I'm just beginning to feel that I'm winning - and with Katie going to pre-school next term 4 mornings a week I'm hoping that I'll start to remember who I am too!

I know that it's a cliche but I think it does all start to become a little easier after a year - I know that I thought at about this stage with both of mine that I was sinking more than swimming, and when they were around 15 months suddenly thinking that actually, things were looking up.

Personally I can't imagine being as far away from family as you are. I think you're amazing to do it!

As far as the housework etc is concerned I know that I have found that the way I deal with both getting it done, and not worrying about what isn't done is having a routine: Mondays are kitchen, Tues - bathrooms Wed - kids rooms, Thurs hall and stairs, Friday siting room and music room Weekend our room. It means that I'm not 'bugged' by the fact the bathroom needs doing on a Monday because I know that I'll be doing it on Tuesday. Obviously the broom might need to go round the table more often or whatever, but it gives me a framework for doing the chores. It's planned too so that the days I'm busiest I have least to do - except Friday but Katie's in pre-school in the mornings so I can do it then!

It's hard isn't it when although DH is great and helps out, perhaps there are things that you feel he should do but doesn't? My DH is like that too. Perhaps there are things that he does that you could 'swap'?

One thing that really really helped me with all this when Katie was tiny: A friend from church (retired, house always immaculate despite them having a dog! Never a speck of dust etc) dropped by unexpectedly. Embarrased I said "mind the toys all over the floor" (and excuse the general state of the place...!), and he looked round at it all and said "I remember when MY house used to look like this!" and it was said with such obvious fond memories and quite a whistfulness that it didn't still look like it that I suddenly realised that they are only tiny once, and that they are the priority NOT the housework etc... !

And we are all here to sympathise and understand...

H.

P.S. I've got a Mummy's boy too - very cuddly and lovely but does need time with just him and I which is hard to find.

[#4]

Hello, you have my sympathy!  I worked 3 days a week after DS1 was born and spent all my free time trying to make up for it.  Everyone at work thought I was a slacker and the mums groups got all cliquey when I wasn't there....  If it's any consolation, I'm a stay at home mum now and I feel guilty for not working and spend my entire time trying to get five minutes to myself..... you can't win!  I'm hoping the marriage-not-quite-working thing (it feels like I'm married to a grown up version of my five year old) is going to fix itself when the kids get older - everyone's going to be tired and grumpy when they're rushing around like crazy people.  I don't have anything helpful to say though, other than it sounds like you need to move home :-)

[#5]

Lisa, I can't add much more that what has already been said but wanted to send a hug.

Being a parent is hard. That is an understatement! But it's doubly so with no support. I geel it with my parents being only an hour away as I can't just get in the car to go see them. It is a major factor in our decision to move.closer to them. I can't imagine being as far away as you are!

Be kind to yourself. Recognise what an amazing job you are doing. Remember time for yourself is not selfish it is wise as a happy and rested mum makes happy children! And as for your relationship, well it's hard when you have young kids but it wint always be this hard and until then can you maybe set a "date night" once a month where you get a babysitter and you can go out as a couple, even if that is a dimple stroll around the park?

Xx

[#6]

Thank you all so much for your words of support.

I like the idea of the routine for the housework H and it also got me thinking about a routine for dinner too - Maybe doing a menu on Sunday for the week ahead, rather than thinking every day 'what on earth are we all going to eat tonight'...

I appreciated your comments Mollen too and makes you realise the grass is never greener - it even made me laugh so thank you!

Take good care of yourselves

Lisa x

[#7]

sorry I havent responded Lisa truth be told Ive been struggling quite a bit too the last few months. My mum lives only a few miles away and usually see her everyday she would help me with a little housework and maybe take one of the kids for the afternoon. bUt my gradma has fallen ill about 2 months ago and my mum is by her bedside in lincolnshire. I really miss her and didnt quite appreciate how much she did for us. So Ive drastically fallen behind with the housework and things. It is so hard. Steve doesnt really mind though as he understands.

But I have used Hazels advice this week and after breakfast every morning Im cleaning one room a day. Yesterday was the bathroom, today was hall, stairs and landing and my bedroom. tomrrow the kitchen! it seems like I really achieve something when doing it like this.

so please dont beat yourself up, lots of mums are in the same boat and one day it will get easier xx

[#8]

Hi ladies,
Glad the 'routine' idea is helpful. I find that i just don't stress so much about it all this way. And it's easier on me if I 'miss' a day as I know how to pick up again.

Lisa, one other thought with that familiar 'what do I cook' dillema. I do find planning what we're going to eat all week helpful - but I also tend to do big batches - for example it really doesn't take much more (especially with my food processor to do the chopping! ) to make an enormous batch of bolognaise sauce - so we have that on maybe a Monday - then on Wed the kids have it again (just a portion reheated) and DH and I have a little chilli powder etc added to make it chilli. And then there's some left over for the freezer too for the days I'm tired, inspirationless, or don't have any food in the house! And I always freeze in 1 person portions too.

I do the same with stew too - which makes a great starting point for meat pie... and anything with a portion left over goes in the freezer so that I end up discovering that I do have enough portions of whatever for tea. I find that I tend to do better knowing what we're eating all week too - I buy the right stuff rather than having to make up something with what's in the fridge, and I waste less. I also plan that, for example on Wed I'm short of time after toddler group so I leave a casserole in the oven, and when I'm chopping veg on Tues I chop a little extra and leave it in the casserole dish ready to simply have the meat added on Wed morning and then throw it in the oven.

Just a few more things I find help to cut corners.

I think the others are right too - there are no two ways about it, being a parent is really really hard work. Whatever you do you feel guilty that you're not doing everything. There is so much pressure to be 'perfect' and 'super mum' and everyone else makes it look so easy. I remember it being pointed out though that we only ever see most other parents at their best - we don't see what their house looked like before they blitzed it before we came round - and we assume it's like this all the time. Most mums just 'get by' with everything.

And as for marriage - being a parent is tough. I think as long as you both realise that and make time for the little things to show you still care that's important. For example DH has always made me a cup of tea first thing in the morning - without that I'm sunk! And every morning when I come down stairs (he's got the kids their breakfast while I've had a shower) there is the cup of tea by the kettle.

And it does get better as they get older I promise...

H.