[#1]

I am desperate for some advice from people who have experienced their partner fathering a child with another woman whilst being married/in a relationship. I have posted this on the advice section also but no reply yet & am desperate. someone please help me. Husband had long affair on/off for at least five years, with same OW. I have had suspicions about affair for five years but he denied it in the main but eventually admitted that there was someone he met 'occasionally for drinks'. 15 months ago, he suddenly admitted he had infact been seeing someone & she was pregnant. Well, it nearly killed me, knowing this information & keeping to myself. He didn't want me to tell our 11 year old child so I didn't. I was in denial & couldn't cope. Then OW lost the baby before 20 weeks. Luckily I didn't have to tell our child. Well to cut a long story short, despite Husbands proclamations to my Mother & me that he was sorry & things were over between him & OW, things have become a nightmare again. She is now just a few weeks away from giving birth. Husband told me about this second pregnancy a few months ago. Despite counselling, research, friends, family advice I still feel like I've been punched in the face. I am totally not dealing with this. My head is muggy & full. I am suffering from stress & can't make a decision about what to do . Furious with Husband & OW for doing this to me & our child. I feel our child must be told the truth but Husband insists on a fabricated story about us being 'separated' for a while & baby being result. I am not happy about this. My main problem is the worry for our child & my inability to make a decision as to whether I should remain married or divorce. I had an extremely loving & happy upbringing & all I wanted was the same for our child. I have put up with a lot of unhappiness & mildly emotional & manipulative abusive behaviour from an otherwise good man for the sake of my marriage & child. My self esteem is in shreds. I feel like I am damned if I do & damned if I don't as regards staying. The resentment I feel towards my Husband is preventing any kind of constructive conversation or action . I do still feel love & concern for him but cannot get past the feeling that I don't want to spend the rest of my life settling for marriage to someone who was capable of inflicting so much agony on me but I am torn because I have been with him 20 years & that is a long time regardless of how happy a marriage has been. We own a lovely home, have a good lifestyle, he has a good job. I work full time but it is very low paid, having had to start again after being a SAHM for over 10 years.
Husband is leading a double life currently as he has admitted he is seeing OW at least once per week. He has said he can not bring himself to tell her their relationship is over while she is heavily pregnant. She apparently is depressed & going 'mad' at my Husband because she wants him to commit to her & baby. He says he will end their relationship once baby has arrived! She doesn't know this yet. Obviously, he is a liar & I can't trust him really but why do I believe everything he tells me every time? He lies, I discover truth, I shout at him & then just get on with things. I am absolutely downtrodden by him. I have said I want him to leave, want a divorce etc but he just ignores me. Trouble is, I don't know what I want really. How do I deal with this? There must be someone out there who has experienced this? What do I tell our child? How will I feel when baby arrives? Husband says he will be at birth probably & ideally wants to be part if this OC 's life (providing money & seeing it once a month). I cannot get my head around how this would work . I don't feel anything much towards the OW. OC is obviously innocent in all this but I don 't want OW having anything to do with my child. I view OW as someone very selfish & thoughtless & naive . She is 12 years younger than me! Husband says he loves me & our child & doesn't want to be with OW. My friends & family want me to leave him & say he made his choice when he 'obliged' her with pregnancy for the second time. We are currently living a ridiculous 'keeping up appearances' lie where our child seems unaware of our problems other than an icy atmosphere at best civil. Husband stays away several nights per week but then again, he has often done this throughout our marriage because of work so child thinks this is normal. We sleep in separate rooms & have done for years (because if his affair I refused sex/share a bed with him). Child thinks this is because Daddy disturbs Mummy at night because he can't sleep. Oh what a dreadful mess! Please someone tell me what I must do ?! X

[#2]

I am desperate for some advice from people who have experienced their partner fathering a child with another woman whilst being married/in a relationship. I have posted this on the advice section also but no reply yet & am desperate. someone please help me. Husband had long affair on/off for at least five years, with same OW. I have had suspicions about affair for five years but he denied it in the main but eventually admitted that there was someone he met 'occasionally for drinks'. 15 months ago, he suddenly admitted he had infact been seeing someone & she was pregnant. Well, it nearly killed me, knowing this information & keeping to myself. He didn't want me to tell our 11 year old child so I didn't. I was in denial & couldn't cope. Then OW lost the baby before 20 weeks. Luckily I didn't have to tell our child. Well to cut a long story short, despite Husbands proclamations to my Mother & me that he was sorry & things were over between him & OW, things have become a nightmare again. She is now just a few weeks away from giving birth. Husband told me about this second pregnancy a few months ago. Despite counselling, research, friends, family advice I still feel like I've been punched in the face. I am totally not dealing with this. My head is muggy & full. I am suffering from stress & can't make a decision about what to do . Furious with Husband & OW for doing this to me & our child. I feel our child must be told the truth but Husband insists on a fabricated story about us being 'separated' for a while & baby being result. I am not happy about this. My main problem is the worry for our child & my inability to make a decision as to whether I should remain married or divorce. I had an extremely loving & happy upbringing & all I wanted was the same for our child. I have put up with a lot of unhappiness & mildly emotional & manipulative abusive behaviour from an otherwise good man for the sake of my marriage & child. My self esteem is in shreds. I feel like I am damned if I do & damned if I don't as regards staying. The resentment I feel towards my Husband is preventing any kind of constructive conversation or action . I do still feel love & concern for him but cannot get past the feeling that I don't want to spend the rest of my life settling for marriage to someone who was capable of inflicting so much agony on me but I am torn because I have been with him 20 years & that is a long time regardless of how happy a marriage has been. We own a lovely home, have a good lifestyle, he has a good job. I work full time but it is very low paid, having had to start again after being a SAHM for over 10 years.
Husband is leading a double life currently as he has admitted he is seeing OW at least once per week. He has said he can not bring himself to tell her their relationship is over while she is heavily pregnant. She apparently is depressed & going 'mad' at my Husband because she wants him to commit to her & baby. He says he will end their relationship once baby has arrived! She doesn't know this yet. Obviously, he is a liar & I can't trust him really but why do I believe everything he tells me every time? He lies, I discover truth, I shout at him & then just get on with things. I am absolutely downtrodden by him. I have said I want him to leave, want a divorce etc but he just ignores me. Trouble is, I don't know what I want really. How do I deal with this? There must be someone out there who has experienced this? What do I tell our child? How will I feel when baby arrives? Husband says he will be at birth probably & ideally wants to be part if this OC 's life (providing money & seeing it once a month). I cannot get my head around how this would work . I don't feel anything much towards the OW. OC is obviously innocent in all this but I don 't want OW having anything to do with my child. I view OW as someone very selfish & thoughtless & naive . She is 12 years younger than me! Husband says he loves me & our child & doesn't want to be with OW. My friends & family want me to leave him & say he made his choice when he 'obliged' her with pregnancy for the second time. We are currently living a ridiculous 'keeping up appearances' lie where our child seems unaware of our problems other than an icy atmosphere at best civil. Husband stays away several nights per week but then again, he has often done this throughout our marriage because of work so child thinks this is normal. We sleep in separate rooms & have done for years (because if his affair I refused sex/share a bed with him). Child thinks this is because Daddy disturbs Mummy at night because he can't sleep. Oh what a dreadful mess! Please someone tell me what I must do ?! X

[#3]

Hello my love.

What an awful situation to find yourself in, i cant imagine how you must be feeling. I apologise in advance if my advice seems a bit 'tough love' but sometimes its the only thing that works.

Ok, lets start with you. You feel downtrodden by your husband. Thats because you are, and teh reason you are is becuase you allow yourself to be. I have a favourite quote "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". Basically i dont know why you're so surprised that this is continuing when from the looks of things you have done very little to try an dchange the situation yourslef. Don't get me wrong, i understand you must be feeling hurt and heartbroken, but you're going to feel that way whether you stay with him or not, so why not at least give yourslef a fighting chance of finding happiness with someone else? By the sounds of it he has no respect for you, and the lnger you stay with him the less respect he'll have, and that will gradually turn into hatred and resentment.

Ok, this brings us on to your child. I'm not surprised he doesnt want his child to know, what he has done is despicable. But thats HIS decision not yours, he knew that was the risk when he set out to have his affair. People often stay together in unhappy relationships for the sake of their children, often believeing it is in the childs best interest. This is not awlays the case. Children are very perceptive and your child knows that things aren't right an dthat mummy is unhappy and will strongly suspect that daddy is to blame (the "daddy keeps mummy awake" story will only wash for so long) do you really want your child to grow up thinking that unhappy relationships are the norm? Cos all that will happen is they will go on ot repeat that pattern in their adult life.

Enough is enough, for both your sake and your childs. Don't be tempted to use your child as a weapon against him (ultimately the only one to suffer is the child) but i do think now is teh time for you to move on. Arrange a time when hubby can see his child, i know its tempting to refuse access, ut this is not your childs battle.

best of luck

[#4]

Hi Torn in two, 

I think he is what he is and will be this way with anyone he gets involved with. He will be saying things to keep her happy because it suits him just as he's said things to you. Both of you are hoping for something better while putting up with a less than ideal situation. 

Both of you will have a long wait because this man isn't thinking of anyone but himself, even down to what your son gets told to save him looking bad in his eyes. 

Your choices are to leave or to settle. There isn't going to be a perfect solution to ths that makes you happy. You might decide that youd lose too much if you split the home up so you coukd live with this situation knowing you are his wife when all is said and done. You are his next of kin no doubt which could be taken into consideration as to what you would stand to gain or lose if you separated. In some circumstances and weighing everything up it may not be in your best interests to separate but mentally it might be beneficial to switch off from expectations and live your life under the umbrella of the security you currently have. 

You know yourself best and the effect this is having. Taking control would reduce your stress and this control coukd take the form of physically separating or mentally and emotionally separating. 

Owly x

[#5]

Hi

You asked for advice from a person who has gone through a simular experience.   I have but Ill tell you now there was no happy ending for me.

My ex of 20 years went abroad to work and I guess from the minute he was away he started messing about.

I sort of knew something wasnt right when he was home on leave but I put it down to my insecurities.  Then I found graphic images on his laptop (myself and 2 sons had access) of him and a woman.  I went balasitic, our sons who were teenagers at the time could have just as easily found them.  He said she didnt mean anything to him but he cut his leave short  without having the chance to talk it through and went back to work. We continued to talk on the phone but it was really difficult. Then one day not long after I went into his bedside cabinet and there right in front of me was a pregnancy test .  I honestly didnt know what it was at first, never used one, thought it might have been to test for STD's.  I asked a friend at work and she said  it sounded like a pregnancy test, look in the little window if its red its positive she said.  I was a wreck all day.  As soon as I got home ran upstairs and sure enough it was exactly as my friend described it.  A positive result.    I immediately called my ex and he confirmed the woman in the pictures had been pregnant.  He said dont worry its sorted.........  I just couldnt believe it how flipant he was about the whole thing while I was falling apart.

We carried on talking.  I didnt want to throw our 20 year relationship away without having the chance to work through our obvious isses.  We agreed that we would try again and he would stop working abroad.  He came home and to be honest he wasnt the man Id married.  He refused to talk about it was distant, didnt want me anywhere near him and worst of all I became totally paranoid everytime he left the house.  I dont know to this day why he left the test in the cabinet draw where I could find it.  I can only guess he wanted me to find it.   After about 6 months of hell he was talking of working away again.  I was tired had given up and was an emotional wreck,  I let him go.  In fact it was a releif.  Three months later he came back for a months leave and while emptying his bag found evidence of another affair.  I was as cool as a cucmber and totally unemtional.  I told him to go, he packed just one holdall and left.  I never looked back

I always think that we have to get to the point when we know in our heart of hearts that we can do no more before we can let go.  Noone can tell you when that time will be only you know.....you will though and you wont look back.

Northernstar54

[#6]

Hi Northern Star. Thank you so much for your long, detailed reply. It really helps to hear how others in similar situations have coped & ultimately what happenned. I think you are right when you say that you always think that people need to get to the point where they know for sure they can do no more in a relationship. I have a couple of friends who are divorced & they have both said that they did not file for divorce until they were 120% sure. & they had nothing left to give emotionally or otherwise. Unfortunately, I am stuck in painful limbo because I cannot decide whether I want to stay & 'settle' to a degree as Owly above suggested may be an option or to divorce. This is difficult because its stopping any movement from happening in either a make or break direction. I realise I am doing this & not helping myself or anyone else & I just keep waiting to wake up & 'smell the roses/coffee!' Or whatever the expression is! But it isn't happening. If only I could wake up & know I'd had enough - then I would deal with it just as I would if I knew I wanted to stay. I am emotionally damaged & that scares me. How old were your boys when they knew about the affair/baby? What did you tell them & how did they react? I am so worried about my child's reaction. I do not want to burst the bubble on his happy childhood & I am frightened about how I will cope with a full time job & a sad, angry, teen at the same time as facing divorce, house sales, sorting, solicitors etc...
I was very sorry to read your sad story. What a terrible thing to go through and I sympathise from the bottom of my heart.
Many thanks x

[#7]

Hi Owly & many thanks for your reply. I agree with everything you said & found it particularly helpful when you talked of making a decision to leave or 'settle' to a degree. If I am not 120% sure I want to divorce him but am stuck in painful, hellish limbo unable to forgive either, what do I do in your opinion? I am in my early forties. I have sufferers for 5 years. I have not had sex in 5 years!!! Yes, my child definitely comes first but what about me? There is no way I am going to be rushing back to the marital bed after all this ! I guess the best I would be experiencing would be companionship (civility at least), staying in home, child's happiness. What do I tell my child about baby/affair? I feel he needs to know but I'm not looking forward to it & fear I have left it too long. If I am still undecided, what do I tell him about what is going to happen between his Father & I?
Thank you! X

[#8]

Hi Lolabeth & thank you for your observations & advice. Ofcourse you are right & it does help to read your response . It is odd though because I hear everyone's advice & opinions & I know this is all wrong but it's like it's happening to someone else . I get upset & worried but ultimately just brush it under the carpet. I suppose I will just plod along in misery until something happens that spurs me to make a decision one way or another. What worries me is that I suspect I will 'cave in' when we eventually tell our child & his distress will no doubt make me stay in this unhappy situation . I hate myself for not being stronger about this. I am not happy but this is a painfully complicated situation. Pressure is on. Baby due in a few weeks.
I just wanted to say that Ofcourse the affair child is innocent. Ofcourse I couldn't/wouldn't prevent my Husband from having a good relationship with either of his children. I have no problem with him having access. It's the trust issue which is the problem. I don't want the OW spending anytime with my child however . No way! X

[#9]

Hi

Can I ask you something what are you getting out of this situation?  Your husband is wielding all the power and is holding all the cards.  He is and is being allowed to, hold two womans lives to ransom.  How can you say he loves you?  You arent happy and from what you say the OW isnt either.  Youre both playing his game.  Youre entitled to a life filled with happiness laughter and joy.  How can you do that when you are not living....youre existing.  For as long as you put up with your husbands disgusting behaviour hes going to carry on.  Although you think you have no control over whats happening...you have all the control  You have to get real..not stick your head in the sand believing that someone else is going to sort out all your problems ......its not down to anyone else its up to you!!!! Take control and get your life back. 

I bet you spend lots of time thinking about what the outcome would be if you did this or do that.  Noone can know what the future holds but one thing, if you dont do something nothing will change. Can you sustain emotionally what youre going through now for the next year,  2 years?   Thats what pushed me to make that massive decision...I couldnt cope with my exs behaviour any longer...I got angry!!!!  

Northernstar54

My sons were 14 and 16.  There was no hiding anything.  

[#10]

The baby has arrived. I have told our child. Husband was at the hospital all day & when he returned late I just said the lies had to stop. He wanted me to tell our child that he was at work today I said no. I told our child to ask Daddy where he had been .
I told our child straight. He was shocked & upset but ultimately appeared ok.

Husband I'd now trying to make me look bad. He doesn't approve of some things I said to child.

[#11]

Hi Torn in two,

Be careful and honest with yourself over your motivation for telling your child. The last thing you want in bringing out secrets is to cause damage to someone who doesn't have the ability to deal with the information as fully as an adult would.

Watch your motives carefully. Your understandable desire not to cover things up nor make things easier for your husband shouldn't be done through your lovely innocent child. 

Owly x