topic I need some advice in New Members

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Thu, 03 May 2007 11:32:32 GMT

Hello to all-

I have recently joined this board about a week ago, I had never gone down far enough to see the new member message board. I have recently found myself in a place where I don't know quite what to do... I have looked over a lot of the messages, this seems like a helpful place to get some answers.

I am a 24yr college student... Over the last six months I have really wanted to come out to some of my friend about my great relationship with my (first) gf. About a month ago I finally got the courage to finally tell two of my friends about us. It was such a relief and so empowering. Maybe a little too much. After telling my two friends I wanted to keep going. My gf didn't share the same enthusiasm as I. She hadn't told any of her friends or volunteer to tell her family, where I had told both by then.

So about two weeks ago I asked my gf to think about a question and let me know later on what she thought about it. I didn't want an answer right away, because I felt it would either make or break our fragile relationship(it didn't started out during the best of times, has always been a little rocky). I asked her to think about... in the future if she would ever be willing to come out about us to her family and friends. The difficult part is that we already live together and she has two wonderful children. I never felt right about sneaking around and lying to kids. I think it would be awful for them to find out about us the wrong way.

So she thought about it over a two day period, and told me that she didn't ever want to put her kids through the teasing and harassment of belonging to a lesbian couple (I'm sorry now if that offends anyone). She said that she also didn't want to loose the connection with her ex-husbands family because of them finding out about us.

So that left me with one thing to think... that our relationship was over with... the last two weeks has been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I had finally decided to give up on "us" and arranged to move out with another friend of mine. But I hadn't told my now ex gf that yet.

Tonight I got home late, she was mad at me because we had a miscommunication (again). It just stirred up all the emotions(again) *Finally getting to the point(I'm sorry, I'm trying to make it quick) We started a tense discussion about us... I told her that I was thinking about moving out(I didn't want to just drop it on her like a lead balloon). That's when she told me that she had been thinking a lot the last two days about us, that she wasn't sure that she had made the right decision. She suddenly wanted to think and try to come out no matter who it was... I'm not sure what to think about that. Then she said that she had never been so heart broken over a person before like she was over me...

I couldn't say anything... I just sat there overwhelmed, crying, and shaking my head in disbelief. Here I am finally trying to move on and now she wants me??? I felt like she wanted some sort of clue as to how I was feeling... all I could think of and say to her was that I had already lost hope in "us". She said she wanted me to think about this some more.

Now I am sitting here not knowing which end is up, just feeling so confused(again).

You know I love women, but why are there soooo many similar stories like this? I just don't understand... If you could help me please, all I can seem to do is just shake my head at all of this. I do love her, but she broke my heart. I just don't know if I can pull myself together again to be with her. I failed to mention earlier that we have been together for five years... I know minor detail, sorry.

please anything anyone has to say... say it all, you can be blunt. That seems to be working better for me these days. Thank you- FunLvnGrl

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Thu, 03 May 2007 12:36:01 GMT

Hiya Funlvgrl,

I can t reply the way I want to right now.....(should be working)

But I ll get back to you later, I had a similar dilema a few years ago and I didn t want you to think know one has noticed your post.

Catch you later

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Thu, 03 May 2007 16:12:39 GMT

Hello again !

Sorry couldn t reply earlier, Work n all that....

Anyway I can see both sides here as I ve been through it, (The coming out part bit anyway)

The difference being I was the one who didn t want to tell Family and Friends, I was living in My own apartment and seeing My now ex gf, She wanted us to move in together, After Me and Her really talking things through We decided to give it a go, She had Kids too, (that was never an issue) After I moved in She told Her Parents about Us, I felt ok-ish about that, Then She told Her Best mate, Her point being that was about Her and She wanted to be Honest with her Family and Friends, ok not much I could say about that really although I wasn t over the Moon about it. Then We got to My Family and as We wanted to visit My Parents She wanted things out in the open, She spoke to My Auntie, who spoke to me and said I should really tell them, I told them to tell my Mum, No problems Mum was cool (although she didn t tell my Dad). Why because She knew He wouldn t take it as well as Her, I ended up telling a few Mates & I lost a few as well through it, People can be totally fecking stupid and their opinions can change about You, I don t even to this day understand why We had to tell as many as We did, It wasn t any of their buisness, I loved Her, she knew that, Bottomline My point of view....... I didn t want to take the risk of alienating us and the Kids, Luckly She agreed with Me about the Kids, So they knew We were a couple but they didn t need to hear all the details, That made it easier for them to just accept We all lived together and were happy.

Suppose what Am saying here is just because Shes doesn t want to shout it from the roof tops DOESN T mean She doesn t love You,

Oh and TBH after living with Her for 5 years I really think anyone close Family ect will have more than likely guessed anyway.

HTH

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Fri, 04 May 2007 02:17:06 GMT

Thank you Gemma-

Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated!

-Funlvngrl

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Fri, 04 May 2007 03:14:43 GMT

Thank you again Gemma

I haven't thought a lot about that aspect, but I can see where you are coming from. I am struggling because she went from one extreme to the other, I'm not sure if she is saying this just to keep me from leaving or if she is even really ready to come out. You know what I mean?

I am kind of to the point where I don't want to have to hide anymore, I've done it for soo long, that I feel now that I'm not happy with keeping it quite. I want people to see who makes me smile and laugh... see the person that I love and that it's not "just friends". One issue I have with this is in the past she has allowed some people to cross the of friendship with her infront of me. Nothing has ever set me off more watching something like this and not being able to say something about it. If the other people knew maybe they wouldn't of done some of the things... maybe they would have still, I don't know for sure. She had also allowed it to happen as well so she is not innocent.

Because she's older than me, some of her friends don't take me as seriously as maybe I would like. I just think that it might be different if they knew.

When I moved in with my gf or ex... we were just friends at that point. Then we grew closer and one thing lead to another one afternoon... now here we are. I guess I wish I would have opened my eyes a lot sooner than I did. But then again I am not the same person I was five years ago either.

But I struggle because I don't know if I can trust the fact that if I do stay will she be able to live with being out, because I think that has become important to me. The other thing is I don't know if I can pull myself back together to try to make this work anymore. I've tried soo long and so hard that now I'm tired. Tired of feeling like I'm competing for her attention, tired of holding in the frustration when someone makes a sexual verbal advancement to her, tired of sneaking around and worrying that if I kiss her will the kids see... I guess I could go on. I am tired, tired of trying... is that wrong of me?

Gemma or if anyone else has any input, please I'm listening.
-Funlvngrl

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Fri, 04 May 2007 09:30:53 GMT

Morning FLG,

I really do see Your point of view, The bit about other People making comments/coming on to Her, Bang out of order, Even if She doesn t want to tell them about the both of You She should tell them to Back off, (personally that did happen to me and My Ex did tell them No, when they didn t I couldn t sit back so I dealt with them)

I really belive You need to talk with Her, Explain how you feel, Don t force her to come out But tell her She needs to make You feel secure/loved enough not to feel like this.

Its society I blame for people not being able to be honest and upfront, Not You GF, As I share Her fears......Talk, Be Honest thats all You can do.

Take Care

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Mon, 07 May 2007 07:23:27 GMT

Thank you Gemma for your time

Over the last few days, I've done a lot of thinking... I have pulled on my relationship tonight.

I feel really horrible for breaking it off... but I truly don't believe (strongly) that my girl friend was really ready for all of this. It is going to take some time... I on the other hand need some time to heal. I just couldn't muster up anymore emotions or effort... I've got nothing else to give... So I didn't know what else to do besides to end it.

So I hope all goes well for you, and I do appreciate your words and wisdom.

-Funlvngrl

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Mon, 07 May 2007 18:06:22 GMT

Hiya FLG,

Am sorry to hear things couldn t be resovled, Its always sad when things come to an end but Am sure You ve done whats best for You, So I congratulate You for being strong and taking control of Your life, Time is a great healer, I know everyone says that, but it is true,

I wish You all the best

Love & Light

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Mon, 07 May 2007 19:02:28 GMT

Hey Gemma-

Thank you for the support... I don't feel great right now. I feel like I've failed my relationship. I just want to be happy... time is definitely going to have to take a part in this healing. I just hope I made the right choice, I hope I don't regret this down the road... I would feel soooo bad if that were the case.

Hope all is well with you.

Thx Funlvngrl

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Mon, 07 May 2007 20:20:47 GMT

Hiya FLG,

Your welcome, I can imagine Your not feeling to great now, But it will get better, The questioning Yourself if You ve done the right thing ect is only natural, Basically none of Us like to feel hurt and the easiest way to stop it would to go back, That would stop the hurt, But if its the right thing I don t know, I know Myself I ve gone back and it hasn t worked out, its hasn t been the same, The same old problems where never resolved.

So for Me I just felt like I prolonged the agony of it, Don t think of this as a failure, Its not its just life, Every relationship happens for a reason and I feel you learn something from each one, Loving someone for no matter how long or short in Your life is a great thing, Take something positive from it.

Take care Lass

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Tue, 08 May 2007 03:05:46 GMT

Hi there Gemma-

I want to say that it is nice having someone respond to me as quickly as you do.

(Sigh) I just re-read all the posts on this thread... I could just see it happening in slow motion... Reading every thing again has made this become so real, the breakup that is... Today I was in the book store at school laughing(surprisingly), a song came on by her fav group... I could just feel myself drain from my head to my toes; like someone pulled the plug.

You said at one point that maybe we wouldn't need to come out; that it's become an issue partly because of society... all that someone might need is to feel loved and confident in the relationship... I agree... I've thought about it and she has told me for 3+ yrs that I am a needier person than she when it comes to affection; that she doesn't have to feel the same way I do... hello! red flag!! I guess I should have see it coming. Yes she is probably right to an extent and it is a true statement... but I don't think that I am quite as bad as she sees it.

I used to get so mad at her about getting my time with her. She had stipulations on when we could do certain things; often contradicting herself. She told me that the night time would be our time (due to kids being around, I understood). After a day spent doing our own things, pretending we weren't together, I would go lay down with her for "our time", until I was ready to go to sleep in my bed(I know sad, huh? Or is it more sad that I went along with it for years). Anyways... I would get so mad at her because she often didn't want to cuddle... I felt like I didn't get to touch her all day, I didn't get to say the things I want to when I came home.. like hey babe or try to get her aroused for a "fun/great" night... then come to bed and still not be able to be affectionate. I had felt confident in myself and in my love for her that it might have shadowed the facts.

I just shake my head... that's all I can do when I think about us... I even do in without thinking... what do you think that means???

I've lost track of what I was intending on telling you...

I have a couple of questions for you if you don't mind... if you want to answer them that is. How long have you been out? What did you do after your first break up or relationship with a woman? Were you nervous about being to be out and going to gay bars?

I want to try to go out somewhere in town to meet new people... not a gf, just a lesbian friend. I haven't ever been "out" here at home, we always went to straight bars or drove up north to my cousins house and went out with her and her gf.

Sorry I haven't made much of my responses(short and vague)... everything has been going around in my head. I'm sure you know that though.

I'll talk to you soon, take care!

-FunLvnGrl

I need some advice

yoyo999 — Tue, 08 May 2007 15:43:18 GMT

Hi FLG and welcome aboard

can't stop
it's the work thing lol

gemma has answered so well

when i get my time back i'll try to come back
break ups are hard and can linger much longer than
you need or want
Grrr!

for now, take care
Yo
xx

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Tue, 08 May 2007 15:54:48 GMT

Hiya FLG,

Looking at what You ve wrote today, I think You are just confirming in your own mind You did the right thing, And I think maybe you feel a little angry with Her, Thats a normal emotion to feel btw So don t be to hard on Yourself :) I think the "coming out" part brought alot of things to a head from what You ve said, trying to make sence of things is just a part of the process.

Right Your questions for me, How long have I been out,About 7yrs, Well My close Family and Friends know only because They needed to know, I don t tell Work Collegues, Basically I think My Sexuality is My personal Life and them Knowing is irrelvant, I don t need anyone to approve Me or My life choices.

What did I do after My first break up with a Woman, Well lost the plot a bit would be an understatment, I let it put Me in a place I will never go again, it knocked Me very hard, knocked My faith in other People, I built a wall around myself and made a lot bad decisions, some I will regret for a long time to come, BUT I have learnt from it and learnt a lot about Myself.

Was I nervous about going to Gay bars, YES but a few Voddys help sort that out, I tried to think of it as no different to any other Club/Bar, Which it isn t ! Just new People and new adventure, Just go and have Fun, enjoy Yourself.

HTH

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Tue, 08 May 2007 21:42:56 GMT

Hello Gemma-

I wish this didn't hurt so bad. This moring I took my ex to the airport so she could go help her parents with family issues for ten days. We had agreed that it would probably be best for both of us if I moved out while she was gone. So I will... just thinking about it saddens me. I can't beleive that I ended the relationship... I can't beleive that I allowed myself to get to the point of no return or no turning back. I hate giving up and that's what I feel I did.

Yes, I am a little angery and disapointed. I wish she would have shown me the affection that she has shown the last week more often in the past... we may not have been here today. She changed... when I said I couldn't go on anymore the way we were... a month later she changed. A lot of negative things happened during that month that I just can't forget. It makes me upset that it had to come to that for her to relize what I really meant to her... in the process I became more bitter and hurt. I am disapointed that I can't pull myself back together emotionaly + forgive her, in order to be back with her.

We stayed up all night last night talking and crying... and crying...
I feel like this is my fault, I feel so guilty. I know it's not all me, but it feels like it.

She asked me last night in the misted of all talking and cring, that she wished we could be "together" one more time... My jaw dropped... maybe yours did too. I thought about it and told her that I would love to, but it would make things that much harder to walk away from... My brain kept telling me that yes that's right don't do it, my feelings were telling me to share one last time with her... It was so hard... I didn't know what to do, so I thought if I could kiss her than it would give me an idea on what to do. So I kissed her passointly like I normaly do when I get the rare opp... with in a few seconds of kissing her I lost it. I started balling. I want so bad to make this work again, but I don't have any control over myself and my emotions anymore.

It's been a bad day... I've been up thirty seven or somethings hours. I feel like I could go crawl into bed and not get back up. I keep crying out of no where for no certain reason; can't quit thinking about her and what she's doing or thinking. I've lost my appiteit haven't felt like eating the last two days. I feel like I am falling apart... that I am all alone. There I go crying again... this sucks so bad... I haven't even gone home yet because I know it's going to be worse there!

I don't know... I think I know what I'm doing one minute and the next it's all a mess. I think I want everything to be okay in my mind and that's why I keep saying all this stuff. I don't feel everything is okay in my heart... then I start to think maybe down the road we could try again, but a larger part of me is nervious about even having thoughts of getting back together with her... would it be the same? Or am I just reaching for a rope that shouldn't be climbed (sorry, poor analogy)?

About your answers... 7yrs thats great. As for which people knowing, I agree... that's all I wanted with my ex... is close personal friends and family. As for work collegues... I agree, over here there isn't supposed to be any discrimination... but there is. I don't think it is as bad as it used to be. I have kind of adotped one of my friends way of thinking... lol... "if you don't like it, than don't be my friend", I laugh because she seen some of the crap I put up with from my famiy; with the way they handle and treat things. It may come acrossed pretty abrasive, but it has helped me be okay with myself and my choices even if my family doesn't support it.

You said you lost the plot a bit? Does that mean you lost our mind? Sorry, I'm from the states and I haven't learned some of the slang terms that are said on this board. I love to learn and be informed. I'm guessing that's what it means by re-reading the whole paragraph.

I can see why a person would fall so hard. I never knew that REAL love could hurt so bad and be so detromental to your mind and spirit. The sad part is that I can see myself going down hill already, I've been there before... I'm not saying that I am going to end my life or anything like that; so please don't think that! I guess I see that and that's why I'm reaching out.

As for going to Gay bars, it would be fun. I don't really have any gay or lesbain friends to go with me here... I did everything like that with my ex. I would be scared to go by myself. I guess I could try to meet someone localy on the web, that makes me a little nervious too.

I'll be looking forward to hearing from you... theres not many people I have to talk to... thank you- FunLvnGrl

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Wed, 09 May 2007 12:15:49 GMT

Hiya FLG,

Just wanted to give You a quick reply (on my lunch break)

I know right now this feels like Your whole world is falling apart and I wish I could say "do this" or "do that" and it would go away, But I can t Its something am affaid You ll have to go through it, BUT YOU WILL BE FINE !!!!

I just wanted to say something really positive to you albiet it short, YOU were fine and Your life was good before you met Her, it will be again, Hard to see now, but it will, You got sometime alone to think through things,cry most important TALK, Don t bottle this up, Have You got a Friend You can Talk with, get things out in the open with ? Don t worry if You can t think of anyone, Talk with me, My Cyber door is always open :)

I ll pop back tonight, Take Care

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Wed, 09 May 2007 21:17:58 GMT

Hiya FLG,

Hows things tonight ?(or today,I can t work out the time difference DOH!)

I ve just re-read Your earlier post and I just wanted to hit on something, If You think that You want to go back with Her and try again, Whats stopping You? You said Shes changed? Lay some new ground rules out together? Maybe still move out and try again from the begining, an old fashioned word Here in The UK, Start Courting again, Do You think that all this coming to a head may have helped resolve issuses, Only You know the answers suppose Am just trying to help You see things from all angles,

What I will say is Do one thing EAT real food, No matter whats going on Your life You must look after Your Health, Don t neglect that for anything, Conquer the Body, Conquer the Mind, Right now with all the stress Your under You need to keep strong physically!!!

Take Care

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Thu, 10 May 2007 05:45:42 GMT

Hello Gemma-

Thank you for being here. I didn't get to come on-line earlier today... had class 11am to 5pm. I do appreciate you coming back to see if I had made a post.

You and littlelady are really the only two I've got to talk to. My ex called last night and she tried to talk to me, but I just cut the conversation short... too hard. As for other people around me... ummm... well my family will just jump up and down with happiness when they hear (they have not supported us sense the day they found out). Our (mine & ex's) mutual friends haven't been told outright about us... even though I AM SURE they have figured it out by now. For my new friends at school... some are too immature for me too share my sorrows with, and the others are kind of busy with their own lives. Soooo... this computer in front of me, and the wonderful people connected to it are all I've got. It's sad I don't have good friends here at home. My good friends I used to have either moved away/school/grew apart.

As for things tonight... (sigh). I didn't cry at all during my classes today! I did yesterday, and I should have just gone home. Today I made it through all of them; then when I got to my truck the tears came. So I guess that is an improvement! It is hard... that's all I can say. I’m feeling low. There’s not much I can do about it, other than what I am already doing.

I am a little bummed because my friend that was going to help me move out this weekend is going home for the weekend (mothers’ day). So now I am trying to muster the strength to do it all myself. I was hoping to be out by this weekend, but it doesn’t look like that will happen. I still have eight days till my ex comes back home from N.C., so I have a little time yet.

The time difference is that you are eight hours ahead of me. : ) What does DOH mean?

I know my health is important. I ate something small last night, and I did eat today. My ex and I always ate dinner together every night; that was my main meal of the day. So I guess I was just avoiding more depressing thoughts.

As for getting back together with my ex… I don’t know if that will ever happen. We have had so many things go wrong between us, I just don’t know if I could or want to go through that pain again. I just really wished she had taken me more seriously when I asked her about us. We both have a lot to work on… she’s got to work on not being as jealous and putting her guard down and trusting in people when they have not given any reason for the lack of trust. I need to work on being okay with me, being okay with being a lesbian (you would be surprised, I have a hard time just saying the word). This may sound bad but I just want to have some fun, and I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to show her affection for me. Granted I know that there is a time and a place for it all, but not at all is not okay anymore.

For now I think I just want to work on me and not have to think about someone else. I have a tendency of being co-dependent; it started because of my childhood and it’s starting to get kind of old. I want to try to help myself instead of someone else. That’s where the guilt comes in towards my ex, she needs someone but now I need to focus on myself. Don’t get me wrong, I do love my ex, but I have to start putting me first. That’s something that I have not done in the past.

We are on the 16th message on this thread; you’ve really stuck by me. Thank you. You can e-mail me instead of message board if you want. Or not, I don’t mind either way… I just thought I would throw that out there. E-mail address is on my profile thing.

Well it’s 10:30pm here and I am getting really tiered, it should be 6:30am there… you are probably getting up soon or already up. Crazy isn’t it!
I’ll talk to you later- Amanda

I need some advice

gemma3000 — Thu, 10 May 2007 09:27:38 GMT

Morning FLG,

DOH...Think Homer Simpson ;)

I have dropped you a quick Email, Will chat later!

Gemmaxxx

I need some advice

yoyo999 — Thu, 10 May 2007 15:41:34 GMT

Hi FLG
No work to get in my way
Only me dashing about the boards playing catch up

no two people cope with a break up in the same way

I am still angry despite getting along ok with
my ex.
still parts of me wanna grab her and demand an apology for what she
put me thro
I apologised to her for my part but feel there are other things
taht could be said
And i guess i want her to admit her part in the whole thing.
It's gonna take me a while to forgive her. maybe i need to forgive
myself in some part.
We all have a responsibility. Sometimes we think we've taken that
on board but maybe we fool ourselves. maybe i have fooled myself lol.

talk to any of us.
You'll find a good sensible (almost lol) ear with Gemma.

I never thought it would take so long to move on but i am in a situation
that meant moving on was/is significantly harder.
Out of sight out of mind - what i need but couldn't have
But i did move forward when out of sight was made possible. I just
wish it had come sooner.

((Amanda))
a big brit hug for you

Maybe we'll have to all meet up in SF?
whaddaya reckon? lol

Yo
xx

I need some advice

funlvngrl — Thu, 10 May 2007 18:10:45 GMT

Hi yoyo-

I agree no two break up are the same... us women can be very complicated sometimes(lol... I know I a one of them). I guess its makes it easier if I see that I am not the only one... which I am sure everyone has felt like I do at one point in time.

If I hadn't heard an apology I think I would have a harder time like you. My ex see's now what I have been trying to say to her. Your may never see it, I don't know. You may not get an apology it sounds like at least you get to move out and move on... unless I read your message wrong.

I'll talk to anyone who will talk to me. lol... even if they are almost sensible or even out of their mind. I know I am right now... I am accepting that its okay for now.

Thanks for the bit hug... lol... I've never had one quite like that before. As for us all meeting up in SF? lol... you will have to elaborate a little more for me on that one!

Take care- Amanda